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Original poster

Discovered wife's affair - advice please

583 replies

husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 10:59

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

OP posts:
gaygirlwales · 11/12/2013 11:02

I can understand you wanting your marriage to work and to get through it but I can't see that happening without you confronting her.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:02

A bit more information: neither of us has been unfaithful before. There's never been any mental or physical violence on either part. Obviously we have had arguments, particularly when money was tight, but always made up.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 11/12/2013 11:03

So sorry to hear this :(

You seem very calm about it all! I agree, you need to 'confront' her about it.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:04

Thanks gaygirlwales, what I want to do is get home to live, so that the opportunity to stray reduces; hope in the meantime that the affair somehow fizzles out.

OP posts:
bundaberg · 11/12/2013 11:04

so, at the moment she doesn't know that you know?

you need to talk to her.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 11/12/2013 11:05

Hi, I am so so sorry. You must be feeling bereft. I think you need to tell her what you say here. Calmly, plainly. That you have found something that you are worried suggests an affair (be careful incase I wouldn't accuse right off) that you love her and your family and don't want that.

You won't clear it all in one conversation, you know that yes? It will take multiple. Counselling an option?

I'll keep lurking. Wish you all strength and hope.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:05

Thanks folkgirl, at the start she started telling me about what a great guy he was, he came round with a bottle of wine after he'd done the job a couple of times...I acted jealous, because I was jealous, and then she stopped talking about him so much.

OP posts:
beachyhead · 11/12/2013 11:06

Are you planning on confronting her about it? At the moment, or sounds like you are hoping it all just goes away, not surprisingly.

It will take both of you wanting to save your marriage Hmm

There's so much advice on here in Relationships about life after infidelity, but I think you need to know what her plans are first and foremost.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:06

Thanks bundaberg and minnie, I don't know WHEN to talk to her because I don't live at home. Over Xmas I'll be back for a week, but...then I'll be working away again. And we can't chat about it over the phone, I don't think.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 11:07

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Do I read that right? She doesn't know that you know what her relationship is with Bob the Builder? So she's chatting about him in front of you and taking you for a fool?....

I'm sorry but she needs a wake-up call. You have to confront her about the affair and ask her to step out of the family for a while to consider her behaviour. Sad fact is that she's already in his arms.... nothing you do or say is going to make that any worse than it already is. Give her some cold, hard consequences of her actions and you might... just might... get her respect and commitment to try again. But saying nothing, keeping her secret and being taken for an idiot, all you gain from that is her contempt and mockery.

Time to be very strong.

ComingtoKent · 11/12/2013 11:07

Why don't you want to confront her about it? I understand that you fear driving her closer to him, but perhaps realising that you know would shock her into realising what she has to lose.

Does the other man have a wife/partner and children?

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:07

One email that I saw was from him saying to play it easy with me so I don't suspect because they want it to last as long as it can. In a way that gives me hope.

OP posts:
bundaberg · 11/12/2013 11:07

well maybe it's worth taking some leave and going home for a little longer?

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:08

He's not married, he's single, hard-working, with a good trade.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:09

Why don't I want to confront her? Because I don't want her to say "I love him and I don't love you any more. Perhaps we'd better call it quits".

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:10

Has anyone been in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:12

I know that her parents told her that she was getting too close to this man - they asked her what I would think. She told me that!

OP posts:
MoominsYonisAreScary · 11/12/2013 11:12

You need to tell her you know, I agree with cogito. She needs a wake up call and she also needs to deal with the consequences of her actions and the pain she is putting you through

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 11:12

Having your head in the sand just means you can't tell when someone's going to kick you up the arse. I'm sorry and I know this is very distressing but, when are you ever going to trust her again? Even if you get a job closer to home and even if Bob the Builder disappears from the scene you'll never be able to look at her again without knowing what's gone on. It'll kill you.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 11:12

if you were a woman being treated like this I would say stop being a doormat

so, same for you

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:12

And she told me that her best friend had warned her not to get too close, but don't worry, they won't.

OP posts:
bundaberg · 11/12/2013 11:12

you can't just ignore it. i can totally understand why you don't want the confrontation.... but it isn't just going to go away

Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 11:13

Are you planning on doing nothing then in the hope that the affair fizzles out?

That doesn't sound like a plan.

She will have still had an affair, lied to you and dissed your sex life to another bloke.

A change of job might reduce the opportunities but it won't change the woman and anyone who's got away with one affair is far more likely to find a replacement affair when this bloke dumps her.

Is that the sort of life you want? For you and your children?

My advice is the same as I'd give a woman. Take some leave from work if you can, confront her about the affair and ask her to leave for a short while to give you some thinking time about whether you still want to be in a relationship with her.

She won't respect you ever again until she think she's lost you.

bundaberg · 11/12/2013 11:13

can you talk to her parents about it? if they've been suspicious>

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:13

Cogito, I can always love her, even if I don't trust her. If that means I was a fool to take this job working away, then I'm a fool.

Yes, I'm a doormat, but at least a doormat is inside the home!

OP posts: