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Original poster

Discovered wife's affair - advice please

583 replies

husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 10:59

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

OP posts:
Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 12:46

...or you could move all your family nearer to work and wait for the next handy man to put in an appearance......

It is not going to resolve he fundamental issues in your relationship.

KristinaM · 11/12/2013 12:48

I don't understand why you are not going home for weekends? it only takes 2 hours to drive from Edinburgh to Carlisle . Why do you need to want until Christmas to discuss this with your wife?

Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 12:51

Is it really only two hours? He could drive home after work and get back again having had the conversation frankly.

There is a lot here that is...odd.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:54

Thanks everyone. And to the latest messages, is it really worth everyone having a lousy christmas when it could just wait until January and be just the same?

Sandy, that's a horrible thought the STD check. It's not like I'm sleeping with any third parties, though, so I'm not going to be infecting anyone. I'm frightened she'll say it's over. At the moment I feel I'd rather go through the next twenty years with this hairshirt than spoil things for the children.

Specialsubject, it is very appealing, particularly as I am working away and just can't stop anything from happening in the week, to wait until this affair fades (if it does). And, yes, I want to stay married to her. She's the best thing in my life, even if I'm not the best thing in hers at the moment.

OP posts:
Tiredemma · 11/12/2013 12:56

Two hours??

My DP travels to Uxbridge from Sutton Coldfield everyday. You could be at home more surely????

Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 12:56

Have you considered counselling?

SandyDilbert · 11/12/2013 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:57

Yes, I could get the train home midweek (wife has the car). But I'd have to take time off work. And that would mean the mortgage not getting paid. And there wouldn't be time for a proper discussion.

OP posts:
ComingtoKent · 11/12/2013 12:58

I think people here are getting a bit frustrated with you now, because you seem to be procrastinating. Particularly when you say you'll get a job nearer home and then have a talk! I imagine that finding a new job won't be done in the next few days.

Honestly, you need to get this out in the open as quickly as possible. If she thinks you're checking up on her (your comment about the phone bill), she's talking to Bob about it and getting her story/plans in place. As someone else has said, you need to talk to her and THEN decide whether you BOTH want to fight for this marriage. Sadly, I don't think you're planning to do that.

I'm afraid I also agree about the STI checks.

Please take more than a week off over Christmas! Go sick now and drive home. Talk to her today.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 13:00

I'm not a journalist. This is not some wind up. My head is defiinitely in the sand, I know I need to take it out of the sand but it's so hard to do. At least I know - at the moment - that I can go home on a Friday night, have a pleasant weekend with my wife and children - yes, I know that my wife has other entertainment during the week, and yes that makes me a cuckold, but at least the family is together.

Have I considered counselling? I'd have to persuade my wife to go. And we couldn't go while I'm up here and she's down there.

There is no easy way, no magic wand.

OP posts:
ComingtoKent · 11/12/2013 13:01

Sorry - crossed posts.

Get the train home as soon as possible. Today or tomorrow. You will drive yourself mad letting this continue until you arrive home for a 'happy family Christmas'. That won't end well.

Why won't there be time for a proper discussion? Take as long as it needs.

As others have suggested, talk to the bank for a mortgage holiday. Talk to your employers.

Good luck.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 13:01

I do feel that a lot of the people posting just don't understand, haven't been in this kind of position. A lot of the people posting do understand and are trying to kick my arse into gear.

OP posts:
Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 13:03

I meant counselling for you only.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 13:03

That's a good point about the phone bills. They can't get a story together, though, to make up for the phone messages. I photographed them onto my phone before they were deleted. All they can do is agree to become a couple together, living in my house and looking after my children. And I just don't think he'll go for that. I hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 13:05

I'll come back and look at this later. I am procrastinating. There is no doubt about that. (But I have already got two job interviews arranged nearer home in the New Year).

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 13:07

But my notice period at work is 3 months. I don't think they'd hold me to it.

I've already told my wife and parents that I'm going to get a job back home, because the original plan of my family moving closer to my work isn't going to happen. They're telling me not to hand in my notice until I've got a new job. And I can't let my parents know because that really will put the knife in to the marriage and childcare. Whatever I do, I have to do it on the quiet, between me and my wife alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 13:08

Thanks everyone. Please put more comments on if anyone comes new to this thread.

OP posts:
SandyDilbert · 11/12/2013 13:10

you will find people are making comments because they do flipping understand and have been in exactly in your position! People aren't posting to be nasty or upsetting - they are giving you the benefit of their own experience. You need to grow a backbone and find your self respect - and fast.

Tom543 · 11/12/2013 13:13

I've just read this thread; sorry but I cannot see any man acting this way - this has to be a wind up.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 13:14

Tom, it's not a bloody wind up. You try being in my position, away from home and knowing what's going on.

OP posts:
ComingtoKent · 11/12/2013 13:18

I would say that a younger man who has to have his wages paid to his mother (because of his coke habit, or general uselessness?) is unlikely to be looking for a position as a head of a household.

You need to speak to your wife.

higgle · 11/12/2013 13:19

I have never used a recreational drug in my life, or even smoked a cigarette, so no vested interest. If everyone who had ever used coke was viewed as unsuitable to be in contact with children then Social Services would have melted down aeons ago. "Proven" ? there is no proof this man has used drugs from what I have heard on here, only rumour. He is an appalling prospect - why does he give all his money to his mother? this is very odd.

Shirley Glass has been dead for just over 10 years now, she was educated in a Catholic university and much of her writing is about the dangers of workplace and internet friendships. It is much praised by the partners of adulterers because it requires the ritual humiliation of detailed confessions, down to intimate details about sex. I strongly suspect that adhering to Ms Glass' ideas might make a marriage less likely to survive in the long term.

Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 13:25

Why did you read that book Higgle?

delilahlilah · 11/12/2013 13:36

I think that if you speak to her, she needs to think it is over as far as your concerned. Otherwise it is her green light to continue having affairs for the foreseeable. He is likely to run a mile when he realises that you know, especially if he thinks that she may want more from him. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but for as long as you behave like a mug / door mat, you will be treated like one. Stand up and be counted.
The 'for the kids' excuse is crap, kids are far more aware than we give them credit for. They will know things aren't right. Fix it properly. The worst case scenario is that it is over, that will not change things for you with your children as you are not at home full time now. If that does happen, at least it means you are free to meet someone to treat you with some respect. I think you will find that you have more respect for yourself when you call her on this....

Tom543 · 11/12/2013 13:42

Well if it's not a wind up you have my sympathy.

In that case I'd suggest you tell your employer, right now, that a family crisis has arisen and that you have no choice but to leave work to return home & address it.

Most employers would be sympathetic to a genuine family emergency (as they have families themselves) - you do not have to specify what the emergency is; advise them that you will aim to return to work on Monday & that you'll confirm this by cop on Friday.

Arrange for your kids to go to their GP's, another family member, a trusted friend this evening and then tell your wife that you have arranged this because you are coming home to talk with her.

You need to address this, take the 1st step, even if this is merely informing her that you know of the affair and that you have come home to talk.

Aside from the other points that other people have made, many of which are valid, you need to preserve your self-respect & mental health, which could both be compromised by this situation.