Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

I suppose he'd just have to declare the work done cash in hand, wouldn't he. That's all.

Gaygirlwales. If my Mum was to do anyone other than my dad then I know precisely who that woman would be. That's another matter.

And there's nothing going on there, that was just a joke about two very good neighbours.

..and yes chlamydia can have symptoms as can others, or not so the only way to be sure and protect your health is to TAKE A TEST.

arrrgghhh get a bloody grip. Without trust, there is no relationship. You're just co-habitating with someone who has sex with other people. The only way you can start again is to confront her. If she doesn't want to fight for the marriage then there's nothing much you can do. She needs to know what is at stake.

Look, to summarise the advice so far:

Leaving aside anyone who thinks that I should just get out of it, people seem to think that I should say something, that I can't let it fester. Some people seem to think I should threaten to leave. Some people seem to think I should threaten to report him to the authorities. Some people say I need to think about whether I really do love my wife. And just about everyone says I should have an STD check. Which is so unfair.

rpitchfo. That's good advice. Every word of that is good advice.

The only question is whether I can bear to hear her admit to it.

I would consider a work holiday. Speak to the bank, arrange for a repayment holiday. Trying to address it without being here is close to impossible. People have breakdowns, illnesses, etc. why not take a week off and confront at home?

You do not need clues, you KNOW. Stop playing sleuth. You are wasting your energy/time. Start thinking consequences: health, relationship.

I don't understand why you are inspecting gussets etc when you already have solid evidence that they are having an affair.....

It doesn't make sense and neither does your reaction.

Frequent flyer. You're right. I don't need clues. I don't need to find out anything except where I stand. I'm taking a week off at Xmas, of course. But what sort of bastard would I be if I spoiled the kids' Xmas with a row over this!

Flange, it makes sense to me, I know they're having an affair, but I can hardly believe it, I'm looking for evidence and hoping there's none.

Yes, it's possibly the sort of obsessive behaviour that would make you think twice about someone, but - it's not something I used to do!

I don't understand why youhave even posted this on here, you seem deterrmined to follow your own advice and have just completely disregarded all the advice given.

Happy knicker inspecting

I haven't disregarded all the advice given. I will digest it. There's some advice that it may be unpalatable to accept but that I still need to accept.

I need to get a job up nearer home asap and then talk, that's what I think.

Well you need to confront now before Christmas so everyone knows where they stand. Playing happy families will be nonsense in light of this. Do it on the phone or book time off work but for goodness sake just get on with it and stop faffing about and this endless navel gazing.

You have had good solid advice on here all saying confront with other suggestions on managing the situation/fallout.

I also think you need to visit your GP for physically and mental health checks.

husband - you need to be realistic - you have to get yourself checked for stis at the very least. I just cannot understand why you won't confront her - if you are frightened she will say it is over, then so be it. She has already left you long ago emotionally - this is just like ripping off the plaster.

You have to confront what is happening - ignoring will not make it go away. Your children even hear him creeping around at night FGS!

so sorry.

badly timed - but is there ever a good time for this?

You have two choices. You could ignore this, hope she gets fed up or dumped and that it all goes away. Or you could talk to her (as calmly as possible), say that you know and find out if she wants to stay married to you. And of course, if you want to stay married to her given that she has sex with other men.

I wish you luck.

I suspect that the young, single builder is not looking to steal your family but looking for some quick thrills. I suspect that the emails saying not to let you find out is because he doesn't want to be saddled with a ready made family.

Tell her you know, tell her you want to try and work through it (if you indeed do) and tell her that if she sees him again it's over.

You cannot go on like this, it will tear you apart.

Fairness does not come into it. Do you believe that life is always fair? It's a childlike word really, and means nothing, depending entirely on a point of view. Your wife may feel it's not fair that she is with you ? So just be mature and responsible because it's not fair to ignore and spread STI's to others either.

You are not ruining your children Christmas. Your wife has decided to have an affair. You are two adults, you can talk without massive rows. Alternatively, arrange for the kids to go to GPs and then have talk.

Your kids wake up to a strange man around the house. That is their sleep and pre-Christmas ruined? Who knows. You are hiding behind them to avoid rocking the boat. Something nasty is going on, despite yourself.

Speak to your wife after bedtimes. Take them skating / walking / etc. in the day. Consider taking more time off.