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Original poster

Discovered wife's affair - advice please

583 replies

husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 10:59

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:42

(I'd just automatically assumed that they were using protection, like you do. She's on the coil, though).

OP posts:
LaRegina · 11/12/2013 11:43

This man is coming into your house, screwing your wife and he's a Class A drug user. Seriously, I am in awe of your self-control here.

Personally I would go home and calmly tell her she needs to end this now because the alternative is that she is will be leaving the family home - without the DC. And he will be reported to the Police for his drug use. Because the partner of a (proven) drug user is not going to be granted residence of children.

This isn't going to go away and I suspect your wife is using the fact that she knows you too well and assumes she can get away with taking the piss the way she is. Honestly - what do you actually love about this horrible sounding woman?

MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 11:43

how do you know he is a cocaine user ?

LaRegina · 11/12/2013 11:44

Hmm X-posted.

Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 11:46

You aren't fighting for your marriage now though are you?You are doing nothing and hoping it all goes away. You are afraid to confront the reality of the situation because she might leave.

That is no basis for a marriage. She has already broken her vows so it is already in serious trouble.

You need to accept that part of trying to solve this crisis is that your wife may have already decided that she wants out of your marriage. That's what the inertia is about though isn't it?

bundaberg · 11/12/2013 11:46

of course you can fight for your marriage... but it helps if the other person knows you're fighting for it.

you have GOT to confront her.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:47

LaRegina, my self-control is burning me out from the inside. But there's no way I could take the kids away from her. (Is there? They wouldn't want that.) And someone who is shagging or has shagged a recreational drug user is not going to be denied residence, surely.

What do I love about her? Her sense of humour, her body, her love for the children, her love for us as a couple (I know, I know). Yes, I know other people have wit and wisdom, other people have curves, other people are kind and loving. But other people are not married to me.

OP posts:
Tiredemma · 11/12/2013 11:47

'white lies'???

White lies are pretending that that the brand spanking new shoes you have in the wardrobe have been there years.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 11/12/2013 11:48

I am very sorry. Are leaving through this.

I would go for honesty and confrontation at home (and STD checks for all), claim illness and default at the work to concentrate on the home situation. The cynic in me thinks that being jobless at home would also up my case as a joint carers and increase my chances of shared custody further down the line, but it could be wrong. Do check in legal matters.

The more details you give the more worrying it becomes.

I am so sorry.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:48

Flange, I'm going on what she tells me when she tells me that he uses coke, that at the moment all his wages are paid to his mother though he lives in his own flat, he does "foreigners" at the weekend which pays for his drug use.

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 11/12/2013 11:49

If my OH was cheating my first thought would be for the children.

You do know she could end it now and you would be an every other weekend dad in an instant.

Before you do anything seek advice.

Check out Families Need Fathers they have Meetings and an Online Forum

This will not just go away, you need to make plans for your childrens sake at least.

SandyDilbert · 11/12/2013 11:49

even if she does dump him how would you ever trust her again. If she gets away with it once, she may do it again.

You can sit around and wait for ever, it isn't going to make her want you. I cannot understand why you won't confront her over this.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:50

Frequent Flyer, if I gave up the job we wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage. My wife works part time but it's only just over minimum wage.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:51

Do we really need the STD checks? Oh God.

OP posts:
LaRegina · 11/12/2013 11:51

OP I was thinking from the point of view of what could happen in the future - that you could find yourself in a situation where you wife and children are living with a cocaine user. Would you say there was 'no way you could take the kids away from her' then?

It might just help to give her a little wake up call...

Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 11:51

Your confronting your wife will not break the marriage. It is her actions that have put the relationship in jeopardy -so stop assuming fault. You won't drive her ino his arms as she is already involved with him.

I think you need to stop being a coward frankly. She will have more respect for you whatever your future may be.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 11/12/2013 11:52

He's not necessarily a down and out. Bob is plainly recreational, doesn't mean he doesn't have a few birds on the go any of whom could bring something else to your health table.....

Your wife will not be the only one. He will have others. I'm guessing flirting for her has lifted her confidence. She's gone too far. Whether that ties to your work changes is anyone's guess.

You need to talk. Book extra holiday. Can you stop working away? Can you alter too to meet halfway? If you mean this it's as much about you working at it as hopefully her.

LaRegina · 11/12/2013 11:52

'Families need fathers'? Really?

I would go to a solicitor, or failing that, the CAB for some advice.

ComingtoKent · 11/12/2013 11:53

Why would dropping hints be acceptable, but not a proper conversation? You're obviously considering letting her know that you know, but only want to do it subtly. Surely, the end result would be the same - she knows that you know and makes her next move.

I really can understand your fear of that next move being the end of your marriage. It's easy for me to speak with hindsight, but at the time I was terrified too. Looking back now, all I did was buy myself a few more years of a damaged marriage. I didn't trust him at all, I was making loads more effort than him to get things back on track. The 'prize' I'd won wasn't the one I wanted - I wanted the 'old' him, the one that would never have done this. That person didn't exist, and never had.

Now that the terrifying thing (our split) is a few years in the past, I wish that I'd saved myself those years of struggling.

Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 11:54

Look mate, at the moment you're a cuckold who could well have the clap and you're standing by while another man shags your wife in your bed, ingratiates himself with your family and possibly exposes your children to illegal drugs.

If this marriage ends, as long as your kids are not going to be exposed to drugs or other abuses, neither of you will lose the kids and the kids won't have to lose either of you. It doesn't work like that. You can be co-parents sharing residence just like millions of other people.

If you want to save your marriage, keep your sexual and mental health, stop this affair and prevent your children being at risk though, you've got to confront this situation head-on.

If you don't want any of those things though, you'll follow this madcap head-in-the-sand approach, with inevitable consequences.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 11/12/2013 11:54

And yes of course you could if you plan it be primary parent.

HootShoot · 11/12/2013 11:55

When you say "her MIL" do you mean your mother? And what does doing foreigners at weekends mean?

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:57

Levenheath, the one thing which I don't think he's done is shag her in my bed. Believe me, I've inspected the sheets. Plus the living room sofa is very comfortable and downstairs when the children are asleep upstairs. Other than that you're probably right.

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 11/12/2013 11:57

I tried to save my marriage after my H's affair. I couldn't, but the book by Shirley Glass called Not Just Friends was really helpful at the time. I recommend reading it.

Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 11:57

It means cash-only jobs that defraud the tax system. What a catch eh?