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Original poster

Discovered wife's affair - advice please

583 replies

husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 10:59

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 11:14

She is taunting you to see how far you will let her go.

He will be moving in next. Expect to see his Bob The builder boots under the marital bed next time you come home for a weekend with the family.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:15

I am not going to ask her to leave! For a start, it would be me doing the leaving! She's not taunting me. Not deliberately, anyway. Yes, she's lying to me. But at the moment it's white lies.

OP posts:
higgle · 11/12/2013 11:16

Affairs don't usually last very long - I read somewhere 3 months is about average. Could you keep calm and wait for it to fizzle out? If you were to talk about it when you were sure it was over it might be better, for want of a better phrase she would realise "the error of her ways"

I know you are getting the advice usually given re unfaithful husbands but if she is infatuated and pig headed and he is single if you challenge her now you might just find she leaves, then all the family will find out and you will have longer term problems when she does want to come back.

It is a very difficult time of year for this sort of thing - don't let it all blow up over Christmas.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:16

Yes, I must talk to her parents.

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MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 11:17

I fear a martyr of such epic proportions cannot be helped.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 11:17

It's easy to say you can live without trust but you asked if anyone had been through this. I have. I took back a cheating exH, and let me tell you it was the worst time of my life. I thought I loved the guy and that love would conquer all but, as time went on, I hated him. I hated how he made me feel... a little bit anxious and pathetically grateful that he'd chosen me over her. Above all I hated myself for having sunk my self-respect so low that I was happy to be the consolation prize in his sick contest.

Splitting was hard but at least I got my self-respect back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 11:19

"But at the moment it's white lies."

White lies are 'no dear, your bum doesn't look big in that'. She's spinning you big, fat, black lies with baubles hanging off them.... and she's LAUGHING at you. They both are.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 11/12/2013 11:19

You are not a fool for working away, plenty of people do that. However it would be foolish not to confront your wife and the situation head on. Yes she might leave you, but she might do that anyway.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:19

Higgle, I prefer your advice. I precisely do NOT want everyone to find out (OK, her parents have got a clue what is going on, but don't approve. But she has had problems with her MIL in the past (MIL disapproved of us, because I'm the favorite youngest child, tried to split us up) and it would be catastrophic if MIL found out).

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:23

Thank you Cogito. I don't want to say I failed to try and reconcile, though. Laughing at me? What does piss me off is that she arranged for him to do some work at her MIL's house.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 11:28

It's got fuck all to do with you working away. That just provided the opportunity and doubtless a bit of self-justification that she was 'neglected' or somesuch bollocks. There are millions of couples who cope with a partner working away from home and they aren't all unfaithful with the first chancer handyman who offered extras.

Don't blame yourself. That way madness lies. This isn't your fault.

I think it's hardly likely she'll up sticks to go to this bloke, as it's as obvious as an obvious thing that he'd run a mile if she left you.

Just as it's obvious that she'll have nothing but contempt for you if she gets away with this affair. Her feelings for you will never recover- you'll forever be the patsy who she managed to hoodwink and all the taboos will have gone.

Both of your lives will be miserable to an extent. People who have repeated secret affairs while deceiving a partner are never happy, fulfilled souls. Their lives are sad and hollow. It's worse for their partners and children of course, but you're lucky in that you know and now have a choice about the sort of life you want to lead.

Use that choice wisely.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:28

Err...extra point which I didn't want to mention at first.

He does cocaine. I think she thinks her love can be an alternative drug. She won't do cocaine, I'm as sure of that as I can be.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 11:30

So you've got a coke head coming into your house where your children live and you plan to do nothing?

Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 11:31

I think you need to tackle this head on but leave relatives out of it.It is none of their business unless the relationship is over. Just leaving it may mean the affair continues, the attachment deepens and it becomes more likely your marriage will end.

If you love your wife and your marriage then it wouldn't be respectful just to let this drift on. You need to face up to the fact that, for her, your marriage may be over.

The sooner you know where you both stand the sooner you can move to repairing your relationship or moving on with your separate lives.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:31

Thanks, Levenheath. There will never be a right time to talk to her about it, but there will be a time when it needs to be done. I just don't think that right now when she is so much in love with him is the right time (even though it means I have to grin and bear it when I know that he's sending her email messages not to wear knickers tonight etc.

The life I want to live is a life with my children and with my wife. With my wife and children.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:32

Incidentally I don't think I have any more revelations to make about him...not that I know of.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:33

Why should I face up to the fact that for her the marriage may be over? Why can't I fight for my marriage? It's just knowing the best way to do it.

OP posts:
Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 11:33

I think you both need to go for STD testing. She may have exposed you to something dreadful.

Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 11:35

You can't MAKE someone want to stay married, they have a choice in the matter too.....

ComingtoKent · 11/12/2013 11:35

I agree with Leavenheath - this isn't about you working away. This is the person that she is. Pretending it isn't happening or hoping it will stop on its own is a path to misery. I know. I took back a cheater and tried for years to make everything alright again - it never was. Eventually he met someone else and left me anyway.

Only recently you would have said your wife was faithful, so I can't see how you can be sure about the cocaine thing.

I echo the advice above. You must tell her that you know.

Please don't waste years thinking that your love for her is the answer.

Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 11:36

She should be fighting for her marriage, having had an affair.

When the cuckold's the one fighting for a prize who's a chat and a liar, that 'prize' ends up being tarnished and one that no-one in their right mind would want to win.

You seem set on this flawed course of action though, so look after your mental health mate and protect those kids from being exposed to drugs...

Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 11:36

a cheat, not a chat!!

Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 11:38

I hear a lot about what you want but you aren't willing to hear what she wants it seems by confronting the issue head on.

You think your wife is in love with this other person?

MoominsYonisAreScary · 11/12/2013 11:38

You dont want to say anything now as she is so in love with him? Well that could seriously bite you in the arse.

What happens in a couple of months time if shes still messing around with him and even more in love? You could leave it too late to even try.

Although I think this man would run a mile if he knew you had found out or if she told him she was leaving you

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:39

Leavenheath, I really like your advice. I hope she will fight for her marriage but I can't do anything to break the marriage myself! The prize may be tarnished but it's still the best prize in my life.

Comingtokent, what about dropping hints rather than saying outright that I know?

Flange, Of course my wife has a choice in the matter, I don't want to drive her into making what I see as the wrong one. I realise you may be right about the stds, we have had unprotected sex a few times, weekend before last, weekend before that, weekend before that, not last weekend, and I had noticed that it felt different, that she was wet without the need for foreplay. (I'm putting this down to her thinking about him, not saying she's got anything. Although she did have a slight brown discharge last weekend.)

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