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Original poster

Discovered wife's affair - advice please

583 replies

husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 10:59

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 11/12/2013 11:58

Are you on a wind-up?

I'm sure she washes the sheets FFS.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 11:59

"Foreigners" = cash in hand work

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 11/12/2013 11:59

I think its a wind up, bored now.

gaygirlwales · 11/12/2013 12:00

I feel sorry for you. You must have really low self esteem to be putting up with another man having his hands all over your wifes body.

I'm sorry but your way is cowardly, man up.

I would tell her that you have caught chlamydia somehow, that would force her to confessing and probably want rid of him.

Flangeofmingetown · 11/12/2013 12:04

Oh the indignity of inspecting sheets for evidence.....

and you are just accepting this so casually. How long have you known? It must be a while since you have repeatedly checked the sheets for evidence they are fornicating in your bed.

He has been over when your children are in? He does coke?

I think your primary concern should be keeping this behaviour away from your children and how you go about that- not saving this marriage. I mean come on....

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:05

Honestly, this is not a wind up. Ask me a question to prove it (if poss)

OP posts:
tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaRegina · 11/12/2013 12:10

Um - how does that work exactly?

tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:12

Look, it began when we had the work done in our house end of October. Following weekend, she was telling me all about him, the weekend after that I found some texts, the weekend after that (or the weekend after that, not sure now), I saw him give her a lift home from a night out with the girls. Yes, it's indignified to spend free time at the weekend going through the washbin and looking at gussets, inspecting sheets, yes, looking underneath the bed for boots.

He has been over when my children are in bed. I dont think he's been on coke at the time. Not taking it in the house anyway. At least, my wife told me that she thought he'd taken it once in the house and she told him not to do it again. That was the first week when she was telling me about him being a friend. I didn't approve, but saying so just made her cross.

I thought chlamydia had no symptoms?

OP posts:
AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 11/12/2013 12:13

She's taking your money, sleeping with another man (in your house on your couch), possibly transmitting STDs to you, exposing your children to drug use and most likely laughing her tits off at you. And you want it all to fizzle out and go back to normal?
Hmm

You've fucks chance mate. Honestly.

Have a word with yourself and then go and save your marriage if thats what you really want. It isnt going to save itself.

Either that or you're winding us up.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:14

Look, tombakerscarf, I don't think threatening to inform the authorities about his authorities will do any good at all. Seriously, are the police interested in casual drug users? (I mean, I don't even smoke, but I've always assumed they can't be bothered about assigning resources to that sort of thing unless they actually catch someone doing a burglary and find drugs on them)

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:16

(So, she's just been on the phone to me, she's been tidying the house, and has had a look at my mobile phone bill which was more expensive than she thought, but she can't find her phone bill to check. Sounds like she thinks I may be checking up on her.)

OP posts:
LaRegina · 11/12/2013 12:16

What exactly are you thinking you could find in a gusset?

I'm bowing out now. If this is genuine then best of luck to you.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:18

LaRegina. Stains. Yes, this is genuine. Yes, there were stains in a couple of pairs of knickers that looked a bit like semen or female emission. Sort of on the knickers as well as on the gusset, on one of the.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:19

I feel so lost. I'm looking for clues. I want everything to be all right again. I suppose it never can be the same, can it? But it can work, it can work.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:19

Albert, you're probably right when you say that it's not going to save itself.

OP posts:
bestsonever · 11/12/2013 12:21

Look here, your wife by your own description is displaying signs of having an STI and you ask if you really need to get checked? Are you serious? Do you realize what a sap you are sounding, this attitude is more likely to get you to lose your wife, but you are not able to objectively see this.
Get yourself tested, then tell Bob that you know, that will be enough to scare him off and stop it now in its tracks rather than waiting for it to fizzle out, you could even ask him to not let your wife know why he's cutting and running at the time.
However, if you are proved to have an STI, then how could you stop your wife knowing that you know, unless you are happy to live forever with the infection between you ?- depending on what it could be you may both end up infertile and in poor health. Doing that would be totally, off the scale immensely stupid.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:21

Thanks for the book recommendation, person whose name is on the previous page, and yes, other person whose name is on the previous page, she arranged for him to do some work at my Mum's house. My mum is happy with the work that was done.

OP posts:
tombakerscarf · 11/12/2013 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:23

No, you're not supposed to work cash in hand, I hadn't thought about that.

I agree that I DO NOT want my children associating with him.

My elder has said he's heard creepy noises at night, like footsteps, he thought it was the younger one out of bed, but apparently when wife looked she was fast asleep. It could just be the elder one having dreams.

OP posts:
AlbertGiordinHoHoho · 11/12/2013 12:23

The only thing that is 100% certain is that if you dont say anything, nothing will change.

Can it ever be the same? - No
Can it work again? - Yes

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:24

Sorry, not my wife being fast asleep, my younger son.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 12:24

Albert, thanks.

OP posts:
gaygirlwales · 11/12/2013 12:24

He's probably doing your mum too