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Original poster

He called me a 'fat cunt', then said 'just reacting to you'.......

200 replies

oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 16:24

So, followed some advice and told my OH how I was feeling about some stuff, hoping for a chat to resolve -

He went totally on the defensive and saw me as 'attacking him' (apparently), started the name calling, and I walked away -

I have put on some poundage recently, and he knows it's upsetting me, so this has really hit a nerve............

I'm not one to take offence at 'words', never have been, sticks and stones and all that, but this killed me, it was so nasty and ill placed, obviously there's never a right time to call someone this, but i'm quite hardened to certain things -

Needless to say, told him to do one, not answering the phone, nothing, I really tried with him, I did, but do not want him here right now, possibly ever, just out of order.............!!! sad, but not so much, prick!!

OP posts:
LedaOfSparta · 03/12/2013 16:30

I don't know your back story but he sounds utterly vile. LTB

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 03/12/2013 16:30

You should take offense at words, if they are offensive.

Name-calling is unacceptable. It has no place in any relationship.

It is classic for abusive and controlling people to feel they are being "attacked" when told their behaviour is not ok. And then to feel justified in "counter-attacking".

It's not a healthy relationship, is it? His is not a healthy frame of mind.

What are your next steps going to be? Are you quite resolved that this is over, or still hoping for something from him?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 03/12/2013 16:35

But the difference is us wimmins what are carrying a bit of timber can (if we so desire) go on a diet but he will always be a name calling low life twat for saying that to you, no diet will fix that. What a turd!

Jan45 · 03/12/2013 16:36

I'm afraid this just shows you what he actually thinks of you and how he views you, there's pretty much no respect there, what you do with that information, is, of course, up to you.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 03/12/2013 16:45

^ What Jan said.

You can do something about your extra pounds when you're good and ready (if you wish to) but he'll always be an ugly and vicious arsehole inside.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 16:48

Hot no next steps at present, and certainly don't expect or want anything from him, he can do one right now, and if he expects anything from me in terms of talking to him, there better be a damn heartfelt apology and a total understanding I'm never, ever going to be upset by anyone, ever, by name calling -

That aside, I'm liking him not being here right now anyway, so have some time to think things through -

I hate the term 'abusive', I'm really not 'abused', so to speak, he's just being a total arse, and I'm really not putting up with it now!

I'll agree with 'controlling' tho, but then I'm not really one to put up with that either, so as for healthy, no, it doesn't seem to be right now, hense, he can go away!

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 16:51

Jan and Any, I can't disagree, I'd also say the same to someone else aswell -

But my phone now off, and enjoying it, time to think - x

OP posts:
Joysmum · 03/12/2013 16:52

I have been guilty in the past of saying things I didn't mean to hurt my husband when he's hurt me before. He hurt me, I hurt him.

It was childish and complete the wrong thing to do. Didn't make me controlling or abusive, just reactive. It wasn't right but there was nothing sinister in it.

pictish · 03/12/2013 16:52

Of course it's abusive. It is the very definition of verbal abuse! What do you think abusive means?

I am horrified that your husband would speak to you that way. If my dh spoke to me like that, I'd think he had taken leave of his senses!
We're no prissy prudes btw - we both swear plenty...but to be spoken to like that by the very person who is supposed to be on your team, is totally unacceptable.
How dreadful.

BOF · 03/12/2013 16:57

Have you thrown him out then? Or do you not live together? He sounds just awful.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 17:04

joys I agree with you, but he's saying he 'reacted' to me being 'nasty', when I in no way was being, I sat him down for a discussion on how certain things are not going right in our relationship, and he took it as a total 'attack', and started 'name calling' -

At first, I just thought 'how fucking childish', (He's 14 years older than me btw!!), but after him spending a night away, got a phone call this morning with 'just shut up you 'fat cunt''

I called him 'sick' on a text, and said unless he has anything nice to say, stay away'....

And for the foreseeable, that's exactly what he can do, I'm not doing arguments like that, and this is actually the first time he has been so utterly offensive in a 'chat' - after 6 years (there has been bits and bobs, but hell no, this one is ended right now, and (it seems) he's still totally unapologetic -

So, Ice cream it is!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 17:05

BOF oh, he has been thrown out right now - he has plenty of places to stay, so not really bothered about that one -

OP posts:
Jan45 · 03/12/2013 17:19

So after spending the night to think about things, he phones you in the morning to call you a fat cunt....seriously, he sounds about 12 years old. As I've said, you now know what he really thinks of you.

ApocalypseThen · 03/12/2013 17:21

Not good. Nobody needs someone who lashes out with offensive personal remarks of that kind. I would also describe it as personal, verbal abuse which shows a very nasty side and a lack of self control.

Why have someone like that in your personal life if you can help it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2013 17:23

Thanks the stars you have gotten rid of him. Keep him gone from your life and if you ever waiver and think of having him back then you need to re-read your previous threads on him along with all the responses.

This was also the person who didn't want you to have an epidural, when you went into labour because it was 'his weekend' with his other kids, so was told it would 'pro-long' my labour. When you were 12 hours in and finally couldn't cope with the pain I asked (begged) for one, and when the midwife left to get, he called me a 'selfish cow'.

Re your comment:-
"I hate the term 'abusive', I'm really not 'abused', so to speak, he's just being a total arse, and I'm really not putting up with it now!"

Why do you hate the term abusive and why do you deny that you were abused here?. What is your definition of abuse and abusive behaviour?. BTW denial is commonplace when abuse does happen because you think you are strong and capable enough not to put up with it. Of course you were abused by him, perhaps you will realise that given time.

He was not just being a total arse, he was showing his hate towards you as a human being. He saw you basically as his younger trophy woman.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2013 17:24

BTW you call him controlling. I would remind you that controlling behaviour is infact abusive behaviour.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 17:25

Jan yup, again, I can't say your wrong (btw, I'm sorry if I coming across a bit blahzay, so to speak) but this one killed me, but I'm damned if it's making me cry anymore, -

(Can I also just say, I'm 5'8 and 12 stone now, I have had various eating disorders from the age of 14, which he knows about, and usually I'm 9.5 stone, so being 3 stone heavier, I'm now a 'fat cunt' - he's said this to me to hurt me, I do know that)

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 17:37

Attila but I allowed and ignored alot of things, so I have to accept some part of responsibility for this relationship going on too long -

Tbh, chatting on MN made me sit him down finally and talk some things through I just wasn't happy about, his reaction was this, which has just made me think 'ah, to hell with you' -

Denial, maybe, also I'm not a 'victim', maybe I 'enabled' for a long time, put up with his divorce and financial troubles, supported without complaint - that is my fault -

But that's a 'growing' older thing and 'live and learn' thing - and I have, both -

I'm not a quiet person btw, but have put up with alot, or maybe just ignored alot, either way, I'm liking my phone being off and him not here a present, so I think my heart has gone out of this relationship -

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2013 17:45

Hi Oopsadaisyme,

I would now suggest that you enrol yourself on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is specifically for women who have been on the receiving end of control and abuse. It could really help you hence this suggestion. Also such men can and do take some considerable time to actually recover from because they can and do attack self esteem and worth.

You'll manage really just fine without him, all he was really doing here was dragging you down with him into his pit. You were and remain too good for him. You just now need to properly believe that for your own self.

pictish · 03/12/2013 17:46

You made an attempt to have an adult, non confrontational discussion about things that are going wrong in your relationship, and that's how he responded is it?

So...how would you feel about broaching the problems in your relationship in that manner again? Not good, I'm going to assume...

So that shut you up didn't it? Job done as far as he's concerned, and reinforced with an extra nasty sting in the tail the following morning just to hammer it home.
It says "Do not stand up to me. Do not expect anything from me. Do not express your opinion to me. You will shut up and put up with whatever I choose to fling at you. If you try to discuss my shortcomings again, I will attack you."

And he accused YOU of attacking him!!
It would be laughable, if it weren't so deeply disturbing.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 17:52

Attila oh god, I'm really not abused, just been with a tit too long, that's all xx

And he's not attacked my self esteem or worth, I'd be damned If it let him or anyone do that, he may have tried with what he's said, but no chance - and having 'black bagged' him, feel right with my decision!!!

Bless you for your lovely post though, but got a feeling in my stomach towards 'my life better without him' right now' - so he can go do one!!! xxx

And here's to a lovely christmas!! xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 17:55

Pictish pretty much, but don't think he was expecting me to come back with 'get lost then' - which I've done, and don't feel bad about it at all -

OP posts:
pictish · 03/12/2013 17:56

And neither you should. Please stick to it, because believe me, this guy's a waste of your precious time matey!

PiperChapman · 03/12/2013 17:57

oh you're already talking in terms of taking him back when he gives you a heartfelt apology etc

this is sad. it's really really abusive and abnormal to name call like this. I wish you could see that

PiperChapman · 03/12/2013 17:59

and yes you're all blasé because you're conditioned to think it's normal and that couples actually interact in this way. they don't

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