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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

He called me a 'fat cunt', then said 'just reacting to you'.......

200 replies

oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 16:24

So, followed some advice and told my OH how I was feeling about some stuff, hoping for a chat to resolve -

He went totally on the defensive and saw me as 'attacking him' (apparently), started the name calling, and I walked away -

I have put on some poundage recently, and he knows it's upsetting me, so this has really hit a nerve............

I'm not one to take offence at 'words', never have been, sticks and stones and all that, but this killed me, it was so nasty and ill placed, obviously there's never a right time to call someone this, but i'm quite hardened to certain things -

Needless to say, told him to do one, not answering the phone, nothing, I really tried with him, I did, but do not want him here right now, possibly ever, just out of order.............!!! sad, but not so much, prick!!

OP posts:
livingzuid · 04/12/2013 11:18

God! Just read this thread with increasing horror.

He cannot empty out your account like that, especially with dependents. It's joint so also yours so it's theft. It must be terrifying now but please know that it will be OK. Keep the texts too you need it all as evidence. So glad to hear you have friends and mumsnetters on your side helping you through.

I'm so angry for you right now. Karma is a bitch for a reason and this will rebound so badly back on him.

He also sounds incredibly stupid. Only a total moron would be so incredibly abusive on text then clear out the account after you say it's over. What an idiot. But blustering bullies are not renowned for their intellectual prowess I have found.

Are you OK? Do you have legal advice/called the police etc?

Lweji · 04/12/2013 11:18

I'd be tempted to put his stuff on ebay and send him the link, but it might make things worse...

SteppedOnaFrog · 04/12/2013 11:20

My ex husband did this. He had is salary paid into a new account, withdrew everything from our join account and cleaned out the children's savings (he had done this overtime and I had never thought to check) a week before Christmas. It was such a shock.

He currently owes me £80,000+ in CSA payments. He is self employed (puts everything in his partner's name and etc and moves around a lot) and is getting away with it. He has also had nothing to do with our two children since my son was 6 months old (my eldest child is disabled and he 'can't be doing with it'). What I am trying to say is be prepared for more shitty behaviour and be prepared to not expect any decency.

My exh called me a fat cunt too and then the shoving and throwing things about started before I left.

He is abusive make no mistake and protect yourself. Freeze all accounts so he doesn't try and go overdrawn -as you will be equally liable. I'm sure your friend's husband will sort this mind.

Best wishes

MumofYuck · 04/12/2013 11:24

Do you need help with food etc op? Where abouts do you live?

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 04/12/2013 11:43

Morning everyone,

Thank you to everyone who brought this thread to our attention. As we usually do in these situations, we do advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

So sorry you're in this situation OP, you might find some useful information in our legal webguide Flowers

Kwitter · 04/12/2013 19:15

Well, OOps

I trust you have had a busy day getting your legal position straight and putting plans into action?

Have you heard from him?

SweetSeraphim · 04/12/2013 21:04

Where is the OP? I'd like to know if she's ok.

cantheyseeme · 05/12/2013 07:18

Op are you still there?

SweetSeraphim · 05/12/2013 16:26

Strange.

cantheyseeme · 05/12/2013 16:34

Strange?

SweetSeraphim · 05/12/2013 20:15

That she hasn't come back when there are so many people here that could support her, and I thought she needed it. I still think she needs it.

TheCatThatSmiled · 05/12/2013 20:51

OP may well be back, but my guess is that currently she is trying to sort out her problems in real life. The moral support and guidance given on here is great, but sometimes actually getting on with practicalities takes a front seat.

SweetSeraphim · 05/12/2013 20:53

Yes, I agree, TheCat. I'm just being selfish, just hoping she's alright.

Sleepyhoglet · 06/12/2013 17:19

Has this thread died?

SweetSeraphim · 06/12/2013 22:22

Apparently.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 14:37

Hello! Have just read all your lovely posts, thanks so much for all your advice and support x Sorry not posted before now, been staying away at friends for a few days, so much I had to do, but with her help, everything getting rosier so to speak, I'm v v v lucky to have her xxx

Sweet I'm here x sorry not replied sooner xxxx TheCat you were right, had so much to sort, and have spent some lovely days out with my friend and all the kids and family, no internet, no phone, nothing - and it's been great to be honest (there's alot to be said for just wrapping everyone up warm and walking through fields, feeding the ducks, and talking to a lovely friend, putting the world to rights!!)

We're going to join forces this xmas too, so really looking forward to it now!!

Thanks again, everyone xx

(I'm a bit confused by 'mumsnet' post, did I say something wrong on thread???)

OP posts:
JugglingUnwiselyWithBaubles · 07/12/2013 15:32

Hi Oops - it's just a standard post from MNHQ - they did put a nice friendly bit to you at the end?

Glad to hear you've had some good quiet days with your friend feeding ducks and such like - I love that sort of thing with the DC.

Glad all is well with you and you're able to look forward to XMas with your friend.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 15:38

(oh, and after turning on phone, I'm still a 'fat, useless cunt' who no one likes and I'm going to grow old lonely and sad)!

But hey, we're going to have a happy xmas this year, and I have to say, me and kids loving nice times at the moment, no, can't afford all I wanted to get, but we'll manage, and we must be far better off than alot of people at the moment, so he can keep money,we'll manage, and start again, with no 'cloud' so to speak -

This is first day back at home, so am feeling a bit 'arrgghh' but sod it, budget central, but I'm ok with that, and we will be better xx

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 15:41

Juggling ahh, didn't know that, that's nice really nice then x

OP posts:
UmpireOnCall · 07/12/2013 15:45

enjoy the peace of not having him around Flowers

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 15:52

Umpire It like the 'quiet after the storm', so to speak, just seems alot more settled right now - I know it probably wont last, early days, but totally reinforcing some important things that I knew were wrong -

I'm a bit overwhelmed by some very lovely comments of support from Mumsnetters, I know it's 'just a discussion' site, but totally helped me through a really, really horrible day -

So thanks to you again x

OP posts:
UmpireOnCall · 07/12/2013 18:32

He has no way of knowing that you mean it. He thinks he's swung a break from you orchestrating this last fight. Wait 'til it begins to sink in that maybe maybe Confused you have the self-esteem to draw a line in the sand and say no more.

That's when things will get 'stormy' again.

You'll be accused of being a cold-hearted bitch, chucking him out, you'll be reminded of all of your faults (ha! this usually means your refusal to tolerate his shortcomings with good humour) and you'll be made to feel that you have no right to make the decision to end the relationship when you're as flawed as you are!!

so, when the shit hits the fan, so many people will be able to advise you. Best course of action is to just decide what you want and not to seek his approval. You want a divorce? see the solicitor? you want him out of YOUR house? bolt the doors. or change the locks if it's yours.

Don't get sucked in to justifying your decisions to him from now on.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 18:40

umpire maybe as difficult as you stated - coming home and putting my phone back on tonight has been v difficult -

Holiday with friends was great, being home proving to be a bit difficult right now. Not changing my number on advice, but not replying is v v v difficult -

OP posts:
MumpiresRedCard · 07/12/2013 18:47

I know. It is difficult at first not to respond to insults. You feel like a door mat for not defending yourself. You feel like you're taking it.

But there is nothing that will frustrate him more than NOT getting a rise out of you. Nothing will send him the message that you're over and out, you're done than your not replying. Cos when you were 'in', you wanted to justify yourself, and defend yourself? and to reason with him? and to seek his 'blessing' and approval for the things he disapproved of??
So, nothing will send him a more powerful message than not responding at all. No matter how high he ratchets up the insults (and he'll go some way to provoke a response from you) nothing will send the message better. YOU are done with him. Not the other way 'round. Not that it matters. But it's good to end the 'you said she said he said' merrygoround. Just be the first to step off it.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2013 18:52

I think you should try to get a new phone, even a really cheap one so he can't contact you any more, but fair enough, if you have good advice to the contrary and you know what you're doing, but I hope you're saving his messages, and also hope very much that you're not replying no matter how unjust and crazy the accusations and the insults are. He will want to get you involved in a slagging match, and he will also try to wheedle his way back. Don't accept any apologies -- they will be false.

You should also bag all his stuff and just get rid of it. Bring his clothes and personal effects to a nearby charity shop. He deserves that since he wiped out your account. You could tell him if he wants his stuff he can buy it at X shop. Don't leave anything in your house that he will have any reason to come back and get. You don't want him setting foot in the door again for reasons of your own personal safety.

Also, the house is yours -- please, please change the locks. I know you have no money, but maybe your friend could help you with this one. Otherwise there is nothing to stop him letting himself in and refusing to leave. Be careful - this is an angry person you are dealing with.

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