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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He called me a 'fat cunt', then said 'just reacting to you'.......

200 replies

oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 16:24

So, followed some advice and told my OH how I was feeling about some stuff, hoping for a chat to resolve -

He went totally on the defensive and saw me as 'attacking him' (apparently), started the name calling, and I walked away -

I have put on some poundage recently, and he knows it's upsetting me, so this has really hit a nerve............

I'm not one to take offence at 'words', never have been, sticks and stones and all that, but this killed me, it was so nasty and ill placed, obviously there's never a right time to call someone this, but i'm quite hardened to certain things -

Needless to say, told him to do one, not answering the phone, nothing, I really tried with him, I did, but do not want him here right now, possibly ever, just out of order.............!!! sad, but not so much, prick!!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2013 18:00

You may well waiver in the next few days or weeks and he may well try to worm his way back in with all sorts of promises to change along with "apologies". He may not let go of you all that easily.

He's already abused you verbally today. He verbally abusing you also was a further attempt to wreak your self esteem and worth. This was and remains about power and control; he wants absolute over you really.

I still think the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could well help here though.

You are worth a million of him, you just need to remember that fact constantly and truly believe it for your own self.

mathanxiety · 03/12/2013 18:02

Yep, it is.

Umpire · 03/12/2013 18:02

oh this is classic

My own x used to respond very aggressively to any suggestion that he behave better. I might say 'can you help more with the children' and he would retaliate with verbal abuse on the grounds that I had been nasty to him.

He would claim in these arguments to see no difference between my asking him not to be so dismissive of my needs and his calling me a fucking hairy midget (or whatever rolled off his silver plated tongue that day).

Like the OP I didn't see myself as abused per se, because I didn't believe the actual insults. Eg, "you are too fucking stupid to cook a ready meal". I knew that I was not too stupid to cook a ready meal so I felt that I was not a 'victim' of verbal abuse.

But.......... here's the thing OP, whatever you label it, his abuse, or his behaviour, or your being a victim or you sticking around to endure it with no plan to leave him, the effect to your self-esteem will be massive. I thought that because I believed in my conscious rational mind that he had no right to insult me verbally, that I was 'untouched' by his insults.

Anyway, the thing is, if every time you approach somebody with a reasonable request they react with a slew of insults and verbal abuse then the net result is that you pick your battles more and more carefully right? so, in effect you're being trained to accept their way. Their way or the high way. You challenge that, you get a tirade of verbal abuse. so, you don't unless it's really, really, really important, or you're feeling brave, or both. And in the end you never stick up for yourself because it's not worth it, nothing's worth it.

And yet,,,,,,,,,,,astonishingly, it's not "abuse" because you're strong right???????????? :-|

pictish · 03/12/2013 18:09

Great post umpire and oh so true.

Umpire · 03/12/2013 18:09

this is a really good ad in my mind

a lot of women will watch more dramatic adverts and think "at least my husband is not THAT bad'' and almost feel comforted in comparison. Their denial reinforced. this ad really really sums up my life for about 7 years. just endless criticism and insults. only violent if I challenged his right to insult and criticise me.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 18:10

piper no chance am I talking about taking him back, I refuse right now to even talk to him on the phone, and that's what I meant by heartfelt apology, then I'll listen to it, on the phone! x

OP posts:
SteppedOnaFrog · 03/12/2013 18:16

Life is too short to bother with this sorry excuse of a partner. You don't need the stress or the drama.

Take yourself out of this. x

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 18:18

Umpire, I hate to admit your post seems remarkably familiar..................... x

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 18:47

Turned my phone on, bad move - can't do this one, so upset -

OP posts:
pictish · 03/12/2013 19:21

If you need to get it out, we're here xx

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 19:27

Pictish he's saying 'I'm not dictating to him anymore(when have I ever????!!) (amongst other serious putdowns') and he wants to come back to the house!

No chance, and have told him so, house (luckily) all mine, so not on your fucking neelly x

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 19:32

Oh, and my 'miscarriage' at 8 weeks a year ago was totally down to me, I'm a 'baby killer'................and maybe I should 'have some cake to make me feel better'.......

Don't think he got the reaction he was expecting when he called me a 'fat cunt', so thought he'd try a new tact......

Believe me, this has ended, properly,

OP posts:
BOF · 03/12/2013 19:32

If you're not married, and the kids aren't his, then you're home free. No reason to have any more to do with him.

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 19:38

BOF we are, and my youngest is -

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 19:39

BOF what made you think different?

OP posts:
catcatcat · 03/12/2013 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cloudskitchen · 03/12/2013 19:42

I can't believe he said those things to you. what an awful awful man. I hope you manage tp stay as strong as you are currently sounding. pack his bag, leave it out front and tell him he can only communicate with you via a solicitor or friend and only about his child Wine

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 19:44

I'm now struggling, the miscarriage comment has hit me in the gut........how dare he say that to me, in bits

OP posts:
Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 19:47

This is just me sounding out on MN, obviously going through a breakup, I apologise if I'm ranting, and god, thanks so much for the support your giving -

OP posts:
wordyBird · 03/12/2013 19:48

Take care of yourself oops Flowers
It was a truly terrible thing for him to say

FreakinAllAboutSugar · 03/12/2013 19:48

I'm so sorry, how utterly vile.

Plenty of people on here will have more legal knowledge than me, but is there a way you could take these texts to the police/a solicitor and have an injunction served preventing him contacting you and entering your home?

Original poster
oopsadaisyme · 03/12/2013 19:50

clouds every horrible text just brings home that I'm doing the right thing -

Now just got another saying 'if your nice, I'm nice, sort yourself out'

He needs to get lost, my phone off again

OP posts:
catcatcat · 03/12/2013 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOF · 03/12/2013 19:53

Because you refer to him as OH rather than husband/DH, and I remember your recent thread where you talked about making Christmas special for "my" kids. Apologies for getting the wrong end of the stick.

It's unfortunate then that you will still have to tolerate his presence in your life to a degree, but you don't have to take him back to live in your home.

You don't sound ready to get practical yet, but when you are, do post in Legal Matters for advice about division of assets in the event of divorce etc. As far as I understand it, it hasn't been a long marriage then, and with the house in your name and the children living it, I doubt that you will be made to give it up. You will need a solicitor.

I'm not surprised you are upset- he sounds vile. But you don't want your kids growing up to see their mother being treated with such disrespect, so I hope you can stand firm and start to get angry.

cloudskitchen · 03/12/2013 19:54

You sound out as much as you like. I am so shocked that one person could say that to another and then expect a relationship to carry on. You know it's not true. Keep believing in yourself and stay strong x

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