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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bizarre situation with neighbour and DH - is this inappropriate or am I being silly?

209 replies

kiwiwiki · 29/11/2013 22:51

Hello,

I had to name change for this one, as I feel like a complete prat asking for help with a sweet old lady. I need a bit of perspective so if you think I'm being ridiculous, feel free to say so and I won't take it personally.

Here's the story. I got married quite recently (I'm 27, DH is 34). We moved into our flat several months ago. There is an older lady (I think in her 60s, though I'm not sure) who lives alone down the hall and I think she has a bit of a crush on DH. That would be completely fine with me, but it's getting a bit too much. Initially she just went out of her way to chat with him every time he was around. Now, though, she has moved on to asking him for help with things in her flat. Sometimes she'll say that she's feeling unwell, other times she desperately needs help getting something fixed. It started to get a bit irritating after a while, but I still didn't mind until she started knocking on our door later and later in the evenings.

She completely ignores me. She's been to my flat multiple times now and knows who I am, but goes out of her way not to say hello to me when we see each other. This week DH was away on a business trip and I was alone. She came by the other day, claiming to be feeling ill and faint and asked if DH was around. I told her that he wasn't but offered to help her myself. She declined and said that she would be fine. I actually insisted (if she was really ill, I didn't want that on my conscience) but she refused my help and left.

Well, he came back tonight and so did she. Knocked on the door about 30 mins ago, claiming to be ill and he went to her flat and is still with her now.

I started getting annoyed so I complained about her behaviour to a friend who I was chatting with online. The friend said that the situation could be much worse than a simple annoyance. She said that the neighbour could cause a lot of trouble, accuse him of assault, or anything she felt like if things turned sour.

I think this is taking things a bit too far but it scared me a little too. Is my friend being completely paranoid or do I have something to worry about?

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 01/12/2013 14:17

Because it is upsetting you.

FeisMom · 01/12/2013 15:47

Yes as caramelwaffle says, if something is upsetting you, then he should nip it in the bud

custardo · 01/12/2013 15:57

i have the cure to the situation

old woman " am feeling ill"
your dh answers door with just a towel to cover his modesty " call a doctor then love, I am making love to my wife, i was just getting up to get the lube"

beaglesaresweet · 01/12/2013 19:01

but what on earth was he doing there for 45 min last time - chatting? Isn't he very bored with it? surely once he saw she's made something up, he should have just got up and left? this pandering to what she wants and spending long periods of time there really encourages her! I bet she will soon be convinced that he is 'secretly interested', and then it's getting a bit dangerous.

crazyhead · 01/12/2013 19:31

@northeasterly - I once got punched on leaving my flat after a string of slightly insane complaints by my little old lady neighbour because she'd developed an elaborate idea that I was up banging the pipes all night to keep her up, so I sympathise. She was under 5ft so it wasn't painful but gave me a right shock.

Luckily, my flat was ex-local and my neighbour was a housing tenant, so I rang the housing office (I wasn't horrible about it, I just said I needed to mention it so they could monitor her mental health), and they came round to have a word. The housing office also told me to tell the police. Somewhere in her crazy state she got the idea I wasn't to be messed with and she never spoke to me again.

To the OP, I agree I'd draw a strict line here and I agree that only you should respond. In any case your husband isn't qualified as a doctor and there really is something wrong she needs to call a medical professional, not him

HollaAtMeBaby · 01/12/2013 19:48

Agree with everyone else. She is behaving very badly and you must not stand for it!

fuzzpig · 01/12/2013 21:08

Don't tell her DH is in the bath when she calls... she will probably say her toilet is broken and she absolutely must use your bathroom Hmm

bundaberg · 01/12/2013 21:30

feeling eversothankful for my neighbours after reading this thread!!!

Original poster
kiwiwiki · 01/12/2013 21:34

Don't tell her DH is in the bath when she calls... she will probably say her toilet is broken and she absolutely must use your bathroom

hahahaha oh dear....definitely won't be telling her that!

Well, DH and I are on the same page after talking about it a bit more seriously. We agreed that we will do our best to just give her a firm no. I thought about it and don't think it's a good idea that I keep going round there too, it might just be better to stop it all together? We'll see what happens.

The thing is, I've been thinking and she is quite manipulative. At first, it was just a few small innocent requests to help with something in her flat. She didn't start complaining until the health problems later on, which is when she started coming later as well. She is also quite dramatic as I've mentioned, so it did seem believable at first.

I actually saw her briefly today as I was coming back home. As always, she completely ignored me. So I made a point of it and said hello to her, then she did say hello back in a very flustered, out of breath voice haha..

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 01/12/2013 22:46

OP - you and your DH need to agree that you will give her a firm no, not just 'do your best'. I'm all in agreement with being a good neighbour and being there for people but from the sounds of it, your neighbour has taken this to another level, ignored you but is fine with your DH, and I'm sorry, but knocking on people's doors later and later in the evening is just taking the piss.

I would ignore her from now on and ask your DH to do the same. Do you have other neighbours that you can chat to? Have they experienced similar with her I wonder.

Botanicbaby · 01/12/2013 22:48

sorry OP that sounds like I am hectoring you, wasn't intended! I really meant that your DH needs to give her a firm no too (not just you), that's all. I think 'doing your best' is open to misinterpretation old cynic that I am.

Good luck with it, I hope you resolve it soon. Never nice to have 'issues' with neighbours at best of times, particularly when they're manipulative and end up making you feel like the 'bad one', which I suspect is the case here.

Original poster
kiwiwiki · 02/12/2013 02:07

Botanicbaby No need to apologise, I appreciate the advice!
You're right, I have to be firm, it's not the easiest thing for me since I'm not exactly the most assertive person in the world....but no time like the present to start.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 04/12/2013 09:39

Has she been round again? What did you do?

roadwalker · 04/12/2013 15:22

waiting for an update here too, hope she has been told!

LemonBreeland · 04/12/2013 15:45

Just read this whole thread. What a nightmare neighbour! I hope you and your dh manage to stand up to her.

I would expect the problems to become more dramatic if he doesn't go though. She will just ramp it up.

glasgowsteven · 04/12/2013 18:28

"I have a friend who was in a very similar position that you are in, although we all are confident that nothing ever happened between them, once he made it clear to the woman he had no romantic interest for herm she reported him to the police, said they had been having an affair and he had abused her."

Quoted ^^ Obviously found innocent.......his word against hers...Dangerous :(

glasgowsteven · 04/12/2013 18:29

"
Obviously, he was proved innocent very quickly but it was so stressful and embarrassing for my friends"

QUoted again ^^

sicily1921 · 04/12/2013 18:48

Whatever the old lady's needs are the signs to me are that this is getting a bit out of hand. She is playing you both like a 2 year old would play their parents i.e. ignoring one and basically saying 'I want the other one. It's not really appropriate adult mature behaviour.

Neighbourly kindness is one thing but pandering to this lady (if that's what your DH is doing) is another. Plus, he shouldn't be going out of his way to help someone who can't make the effort to use basic manners to his wife. I'd be annoyed.

Norland · 04/12/2013 19:04

'old lady'

Surely the appropriate response to:

knock on door, '..I feel faint etc' is

'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, why are you here?'

'I thought could come round and make me feel better/aid me/help me..'

'Er, no. He's not a doctor/paramedic/first-aider/podiatrist..' (replace medical title with plumber/electrician etc. as appropriate)

Stand at door and stare at neighbour, with arms folded, not speaking.

ancelynthecraven · 04/12/2013 20:31

MNHQ should develop a 'help' button for situations like this. You could then press the button and a Mumsnetter would appear on your mobile devise to deal with this situation.
You could just hold the phone or tablet in front of this woman and your MN advocate would give her a look or damn stiff talking to.

Birnamwood · 04/12/2013 21:00

Craven, I want a like button for your post Grin

auntpetunia · 04/12/2013 22:30

I want a button like that craven! Would love anyfuckeron my phone to tell people off.

Original poster
kiwiwiki · 04/12/2013 23:20

The mums net button sounds like a great idea!

So, I feel like she is a mind reader or something because she hasn't been round at all since. I haven't even seen her around.

Maybe when I went round last time to get DH, she got the message? That's probably wishful thinking, though!

Also, DH didn't know she was being rude to me, he was surprised when I told him. I suppose it's because when she sees us together, she's a complete angel. It's only when we've been alone that she has been rude to me.

OP posts:
GiraffesAndButterflies · 05/12/2013 02:19

Maybe she's a MNer Grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/12/2013 06:57

The power of MN!!