Bizarre situation with neighbour and DH - is this inappropriate or am I being silly?

[kiwiwiki]

Hello,

I had to name change for this one, as I feel like a complete prat asking for help with a sweet old lady. I need a bit of perspective so if you think I'm being ridiculous, feel free to say so and I won't take it personally.

Here's the story. I got married quite recently (I'm 27, DH is 34). We moved into our flat several months ago. There is an older lady (I think in her 60s, though I'm not sure) who lives alone down the hall and I think she has a bit of a crush on DH. That would be completely fine with me, but it's getting a bit too much. Initially she just went out of her way to chat with him every time he was around. Now, though, she has moved on to asking him for help with things in her flat. Sometimes she'll say that she's feeling unwell, other times she desperately needs help getting something fixed. It started to get a bit irritating after a while, but I still didn't mind until she started knocking on our door later and later in the evenings.

She completely ignores me. She's been to my flat multiple times now and knows who I am, but goes out of her way not to say hello to me when we see each other. This week DH was away on a business trip and I was alone. She came by the other day, claiming to be feeling ill and faint and asked if DH was around. I told her that he wasn't but offered to help her myself. She declined and said that she would be fine. I actually insisted (if she was really ill, I didn't want that on my conscience) but she refused my help and left.

Well, he came back tonight and so did she. Knocked on the door about 30 mins ago, claiming to be ill and he went to her flat and is still with her now.

I started getting annoyed so I complained about her behaviour to a friend who I was chatting with online. The friend said that the situation could be much worse than a simple annoyance. She said that the neighbour could cause a lot of trouble, accuse him of assault, or anything she felt like if things turned sour.

I think this is taking things a bit too far but it scared me a little too. Is my friend being completely paranoid or do I have something to worry about?

Goodness, if I were you I would nip this in the bud by going over to chat without your husband.

I would knock on her door and tell her you are concerned with her frequent dizzy spells, if she has any adult children you can call or maybe offer to call social services for the elderly to help her.

You nosy people. The OP is too busy making up for lost time when her DH was away to update you.

NorthEasterlyGale
Thank you for sharing your story, I'm really sorry all that happened to you
Although my situation is nowhere near as extreme as yours, I do see the same patterns with my own behaviour. I was also brought up to be referential to my elders (I know she isn't old but appears to be older than my parents), so I even encouraged this for a while. I just wanted to be nice. The escalation in her demands just crept on up us, where she would start coming round later and later in the evenings or even multiple times a day. If she had our phone number, I'm sure she'd be calling too.

I know the comment about him saving her life is funny, but she is very dramatic. I've seen her interact with other neighbours and she can make quite a scene out of little things. One of our neighbours has a little DS and he was running around and bumped into this woman, she then complained to his mum that he almost murdered her

Lweji

haha

I'd be bloody furious with my DH (not that I have one) for constantly going round there. I would say no from now on and tell her to call an ambulance or say that DH is busy and that you'd come round which will soon stop her.

She sounds manipulative and is very much after your husband.

And look into moving away from the old bat.

I asked DH what he thinks and he says he finds the situation to be funny at times and sad at others. He is particularly amused now because he thinks I'm jealous

Anyway we agreed that we'll just have to be more assertive and say no. And if she claims to be sick again, we'll call the NHS. I think it'll be a bit harder in practice though, because she is such a drama queen...

Well, it does seem that he prefers her company to yours, even when he has been away for a week.

His reaction is strange. Does this flatter his ego much?

I'd be pissed off that my new husband would rather spend 45 minutes with another woman after being away all week.

Just because shes in her 60's doesnt mean, he wouldnt think about it or act, if she came onto him, grosser things have happened.

If she's such a loon that she accuses a child of almost murdering her when he bumps into her, you really need not to get too close to her.

Also your DH needs to take your concerns seriously, because he needs to take you seriously.

Thinking about it, its sound like you should give SS a call, shes obviously not coping and has a lot of health issues.

What a kind concerned neighbour you'd be.

Also, can you find out if she has form for that, previous occupiers or something?

She sounds like a letter-sender. I lived beside a woman in her late sixties who was retired and had not enough to do with her time, so she wrote letters to her neighbours pointing out their failings to them. She also sent copies to all the other neighbours, so we knew what was in them. No idea what she thought she was going to achieve with them apart from making herself seem strange and vindictive, but they did keep me in amusement.

Pippi, thats just weird and quite frankly unhealthy, curious as to what type of things batshit sent to the neighbours.

kiwi if hes so fucking amused at you being jealous then he wouldnt mind you announcing on fb (jokingly of course ) that hes a "romancer of the elderly"

If it was me i would be making it VERY clear that that as he finds it so fucking funny ,not to expect any support from me if she does accuse him of anything. Am appalled that he finds it funny. It shows a real lack of respect for you.

He is particularly amused now because he thinks I'm jealous Wow. With that reaction I'd tell him to get ready to laugh his socks off and that he could spend the whole weekend with her 'cos he certainly wouldn't be spending it with me.

More calmly, it's beginning to sound as though you're the only one with a problem with this friendship (not that I blame you). I don't think you should try solving a problem for your husband that he obviously doesn't think exists.

My advice would be that if she comes round with these symptoms again, you get her to stay in your house, and you phone 111.

Look if she does have a medical problem then you need to act on her behalf and get medical help. If she is not coping alone then again, you need to get a dr or nurse in there to make appropriate referrals, if necessary.

Pls op don't be too trusting. Only thing which is stoping me from accusing your dh from having affair is fact that she is 60 yrs old.
She is invading your privacy and it's on you to draw the line. Yes, I am very respectful towards everyone including elders but she is crossing every boundarie . It's you who needs to stop ( you and dh) and its up to her to deal with it.
Sorry, very straight advice but I really dont like when people enter in my private space that are not invited. Hth

My sympathies, OP. It's hard for nice people to be tough, and hard to overcome conditioning. I do think this situation is potentially very messy though. Good luck.

He is amused and thinks you're jealous, and would rather spend time with a neighbour than with you when he has been away for days? This man is not a good husband as he has no respect for you.

I am so sorry OP; if he can't see there is a problem here with him pandering to a manipulative neighbour who is rude to you then your marriage is going to take a hit.

Imagine if this woman was 30 years younger, you know he would still pander to her. If he cant say now to a pensioner who "needs him" he will for sure not say no to any other woman wanting his time that he will come across in his life.

Spineless.

To be honest, my friend had a fling with his mums best friend, when he was 21. She was in her sixties. It is not unheard of!

I would go with him. Every.single.time.

I'd have no problems telling g her to fuck off, either. Or my husband that the next time he fucks off to spe d hours with her after just back, he can stay fucked off.