Bizarre situation with neighbour and DH - is this inappropriate or am I being silly?

[kiwiwiki]

Hello,

I had to name change for this one, as I feel like a complete prat asking for help with a sweet old lady. I need a bit of perspective so if you think I'm being ridiculous, feel free to say so and I won't take it personally.

Here's the story. I got married quite recently (I'm 27, DH is 34). We moved into our flat several months ago. There is an older lady (I think in her 60s, though I'm not sure) who lives alone down the hall and I think she has a bit of a crush on DH. That would be completely fine with me, but it's getting a bit too much. Initially she just went out of her way to chat with him every time he was around. Now, though, she has moved on to asking him for help with things in her flat. Sometimes she'll say that she's feeling unwell, other times she desperately needs help getting something fixed. It started to get a bit irritating after a while, but I still didn't mind until she started knocking on our door later and later in the evenings.

She completely ignores me. She's been to my flat multiple times now and knows who I am, but goes out of her way not to say hello to me when we see each other. This week DH was away on a business trip and I was alone. She came by the other day, claiming to be feeling ill and faint and asked if DH was around. I told her that he wasn't but offered to help her myself. She declined and said that she would be fine. I actually insisted (if she was really ill, I didn't want that on my conscience) but she refused my help and left.

Well, he came back tonight and so did she. Knocked on the door about 30 mins ago, claiming to be ill and he went to her flat and is still with her now.

I started getting annoyed so I complained about her behaviour to a friend who I was chatting with online. The friend said that the situation could be much worse than a simple annoyance. She said that the neighbour could cause a lot of trouble, accuse him of assault, or anything she felt like if things turned sour.

I think this is taking things a bit too far but it scared me a little too. Is my friend being completely paranoid or do I have something to worry about?

My neighbour was like this with exH. I think she thought she'd located a handyman she could butter up with compliments and attention and get her house looked after for free. She had him steam cleaning her patio, fixing her leaky tap, fence... He sussed very quickly that she was a) lonely and b) thought he was a free service.

All of that would be fine and community spirited except for the fact that he left me struggling at home with 3 DC, no money, working full time and doing DIY myself on the old ram shackle house we'd bought to do up. She is a wealthy widow of a business man with lots of family living in walking distance and has a cleaner and a Gardener.

Snurk at "Saving her life"

Next time she comes round claiming to feel ill insist she comes in and call a doctor. Do that every time. I would be over the top concerned, 'oh my gosh you poor thing, come in, sit down, I'm calling the doctor, you're having a lot of dizzy spells i think they should be investigated' type thing. Don't take no for an answer, just keep talking over her insisting you're concerned/she needs medical care etc. I guarantee she'll feel better in about 3 seconds. Repeat until she stops coming round.
As far as fixing stuff goes, I would tell her your dh is too busy and hand her the number for a.local handyman. You need to get your DH on board though, he's being well and truly sucked in and very naive.

any special reason why your husband thinks this is all ok??

So you've been married just over 3 months, your H works away all week and upon his return he would rather spend the evening with his neighbour than his wife.

If this woman wasn't 60 I would not be the only person on here thinking he's shagging her.

Firstly, she isn't a sweet old lady. She's hostile towards and trying to 'win over' your husband. How would you react if the 30 year old down the hallway was acting like this? Treat her that way. Do not allow her to get your husband alone. I might even be tempted to remind her of the boy who cried wolf next time she comes round with something 'broken'.

She sounds very manipulative.

I doubt they are shagging but your husband sounds like a nice, considerate person who finds it hard to say no. She almost certainly enjoys knowing you are at home waiting for him, that he is giving HER his attention.

If she really is lonely there is no need to be horrible. Going over there with him is a good idea.

Could you call in today saying that your husband was concerned about her and that he asked you to pop in and see if she was all right?

I think you're going to be very sociable in the next few weeks and months both going out and having friends round. Tickets to this, tickets for that, meet the in-laws, colleagues, festive drinks elsewhere, etc. Rendezvous in town after work. A second honeymoon phase.

60's isn't what I'd consider 'sweet old neighbour' territory. She sounds a right sort. My mum is 73 and more than bloody able to do all that she needs too, no frailty in 60's.

I would speak with DH, tell him that you would like to deal with it together. Get stuck in with her 'needs' tell her you'll help, really lay it on thick, suggest appointments etc.

Or just blatantly say 'do you mean to be so rude in ignoring me?' each time she does

How are things this morning?.

This woman is trouble and you need to move as of now before she does further and serious damage to your marriage.

Does your DH always act like a knight in shining armour to other damsels in distress?. On some level he may be flattered by the attention she is paying him.

I think your husband needs to be seen to deal with this. If he won't it's obviously not a problem to him and you'll have to accept their friendship to some extent.

Gosh... I really don't think you need to move at this stage! Surely, if you both handle this together, it will be fine. I wouldn't be seen to be the one 'stopping' your OH going to see her. She might think he wants to pander to her, and you are the one stopping that happening. Your OH has to be the one to say "come in and Kiwi will ring the Dr for you whilst I put the kettle on" or "I am in the middle of some business calls at the moment, Kiwi will pop round". This way she won't think you are the one coming between your OH and her.

BTW 60 is not old old boiler talking here.... Meryl streep, Goldie Hawn and Jane Seymour are all in their 60's. Gorgeous sexy women... just sayin'...

Imagine the genders reversed OP. If your DH was a woman going round to a man's flat you would see how potentially awful this could be.

Go with him next time if he absolutely can't avoid going. Call nhs direct if she pretends claims to be ill. Don't ask her, just ring them, and then make as much of a performance out of relaying all their questions on to her as possible.

And make sure your DH wises up! In her mind, he's encouraging her

Oh, and update us, obviously

Morning OP. How are things this morning?

I lived in a place where I had a couple of single older neighbours who would come to the door for help 3-4 times an evening. I learnt a lot about boundaries and enforcing them in the time I lived there. I get that you don't want it seem unfriendly or unhelpful (I put up with it for far too long myself), but you have the right to have your home life in peace. From now on, when she comes over, it's you who goes to help. If she is ill, then call the doctor. No matter what, your husband is too busy to help her. I suspect she will stop knocking after a week ir two of that.

You need a serious chat with DH, whats gonna happen if you have kids and you need him with you and shes at the door crying wolf.

Start going with him and dont leave til he does, shes gonna get your company, like it or lump it.

when you get a knock, make sure only you answer the door, not him. Stick your head out a crack and ask what she needs. Then either give her the number of handyman or 111/ooh gp. Only way to deal with this is to cut her off entirely. Your DH must not be available any more full stop.

Oh dear, alarm bells started ringing when I got a few lines down on OP's original post. The old lady may have certain mental health issues (obviously can't help that, poor soul) BUT your husband is putting himself in a vulnerable position, in that she might take it into her head that he's made advances or something. She may be delusional, thinking he 'fancies' her ... whatever it is, it really ought to stop. I'm all for being a good neighbour, but there are limits.

Do you know if she has any family, or friends, that you might contact? Or local Social Services (OK, don't really know what I'm talking about regarding SS, but you could say you're worried about her?) She may just be terribly lonely but even so, your DH should back off now and when there is contact, you should be there too.

Erm, okay, I've debated about about posting but decided to share what happened with me to give one (extreme) perspective.

I lived in a semi-detached house with my partner and a lodger. The other semi was an elderly couple. After the husband died, the wife started coming round asking for help with things or saying that our radiator on the wall that backed onto their lounge was leaking into their house (it never was) etc. We both wanted to be as kind to her as possible and help where we could so partner used to go round to try and help and would be there for a long time as she was lonely and looking for someone to talk to.

This degenerated over time and she started accusing me of sitting up all night banging on the water pipes with something to keep her awake (sounds ridiculous now but when you're involved in the situation it's quite frightening to be accused of things you haven't done by someone that is utterly convinced that you have) so my partner would go round to try and smooth things over.

During all this, I split up with my partner and eventually my new partner moved in. She never had a problem with either of my partners or the lodger (he had moved out by the time things got really bad), just me (even though I'd always been polite to her; I was brought up to respect my elders and am naturally deferential to the older generation). I honestly don't know why this was. Things escalated and she would alternate between coming round to the house and being 'nice' (e.g. offering me some curtains she didn't need in case I could make use of them or something) or putting threatening letters through the door for me, or hammering on the door until I answered and would then threaten to have me beaten up / killed etc. I was a nervous wreck as I never knew what she would be like or what would happen when I opened the door. We ended up having the call the police who agreed she had mental health problems and tried to involve her family to get her the care she needed. By the end of things we sold the house at a loss and moved as I was on the verge of having a breakdown.

To those outside the situation, I'm sure it sounded ridiculous that I was being bullied / targeted / threatened by a little old lady. It had ramped up so gradually from a 'normal' neighbour we rarely saw to regular abuse and threats that I didn't really see it happening - I just realised I was living in hell. I ended up terrified and mentally scarred - over 10 years later it still affects me and I'm not the person I was before and never will be. My only consolation is that the last time she hammered on my door and gave me abuse when I opened it, I screwed up my courage, overrode my upbringing to be respectful and told her 'get the f*ck off my property, you psychotic old bitch' . Inelegant, but made me feel a lot better after the years of abuse coming in the other direction.

I'm well aware that this is an unusual and extreme case, and is unlikely to happen, but all I want to say is, if you're not comfortable with things don't leave them as they are. Deal with it now. Resolve things in a way you're comfortable with and that leaves everyone clear on where boundaries are. It may be worth keeping a note of dates / times of her actions. Just in case.

Apologies for the length of that - it's something I try not to talk about as it still makes me so angry, but I find I waffle when I do!

northeasterly poor you. That's terrible. I think people underestimate the amount of distress neighbours can cause, be it noise, intimidation, intrusive behaviour etc.

OP - take heed of northeasterlys story, and don't let your situation get out of hand. Get you DH to take the issue seriously, and he needs to start saying "no, it's not convenient" to her.

I agree with:

a) taking it seriously and
b) getting dh to take the lead on it eg. inviting you to come with him, or inviting her into YOUR house

But not going around alone to hers anymore. No. More.

Don't let her age lull you into a false sense of security, she is being rude to you and very manipulative.

Agree a united front approach is good so she knows your DH is on side.