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Original poster

Bizarre situation with neighbour and DH - is this inappropriate or am I being silly?

209 replies

kiwiwiki · 29/11/2013 22:51

Hello,

I had to name change for this one, as I feel like a complete prat asking for help with a sweet old lady. I need a bit of perspective so if you think I'm being ridiculous, feel free to say so and I won't take it personally.

Here's the story. I got married quite recently (I'm 27, DH is 34). We moved into our flat several months ago. There is an older lady (I think in her 60s, though I'm not sure) who lives alone down the hall and I think she has a bit of a crush on DH. That would be completely fine with me, but it's getting a bit too much. Initially she just went out of her way to chat with him every time he was around. Now, though, she has moved on to asking him for help with things in her flat. Sometimes she'll say that she's feeling unwell, other times she desperately needs help getting something fixed. It started to get a bit irritating after a while, but I still didn't mind until she started knocking on our door later and later in the evenings.

She completely ignores me. She's been to my flat multiple times now and knows who I am, but goes out of her way not to say hello to me when we see each other. This week DH was away on a business trip and I was alone. She came by the other day, claiming to be feeling ill and faint and asked if DH was around. I told her that he wasn't but offered to help her myself. She declined and said that she would be fine. I actually insisted (if she was really ill, I didn't want that on my conscience) but she refused my help and left.

Well, he came back tonight and so did she. Knocked on the door about 30 mins ago, claiming to be ill and he went to her flat and is still with her now.

I started getting annoyed so I complained about her behaviour to a friend who I was chatting with online. The friend said that the situation could be much worse than a simple annoyance. She said that the neighbour could cause a lot of trouble, accuse him of assault, or anything she felt like if things turned sour.

I think this is taking things a bit too far but it scared me a little too. Is my friend being completely paranoid or do I have something to worry about?

OP posts:
MonkeysInTheFog · 30/11/2013 16:46

Frankly apart from anything else I'd be pretty pissed off that he is so friendly with someone who is so rude to you.

BasilBabyEater · 30/11/2013 16:54

Actually Monkeys has a v. good point.

Where are his loyalties here? It is inappropriate for him to be so uber-friendly with someone who is so bloody rude to you.

ivykaty44 · 30/11/2013 16:57

nip this in the bud

TheCrackFox · 30/11/2013 17:04

Tell her to fuck off. How bloody dare she monopolize your DH whilst being rude to you.

60ish isn't old nowadays and if she isn't well she needs to call a doctor.

BookWorm37 · 30/11/2013 17:07

Just don't answer the door to her, you aren't obligated to. She has a phone I presume and is therefore capable of dialling 111 if she needs to.

ModernToss · 30/11/2013 17:39

Not sure why everyone's ragging on the OP's husband. He's just trying to be kind to a neighbour, and he hasn't seen the woman being rude to the OP because he isn't there at the time.

JazzyCardi · 30/11/2013 17:40

Yes, you do need to nip it in the bud quickly. I had a neighbour like this (she was in her 40s' though) and it ended up getting very serious.

She had just had an operation when DP and I moved into the flat opposite and it started with her asking DP to pick things up from the shop for her when he was going out. No problem.

It escalated very quickly. Within a couple of weeks she was trying to lure him into her flat with ridiculous jobs like saying her TV wasn't working properly (when she had clearly pulled the aerial out of the wall herself) and then she started locking herself out on purpose and she'd have him hunting around her garden for a hidden spare key (the key that she'd obviously planted a few minutes previously).

At first I just took her as a bit vulnerable and neglected so I let it continue. It was when she came in the flat once and started screaming that she'd split her operation scar on her back and whipped her dress off to reveal she wasn't wearing any knickers. DP was in the kitchen at the time getting drinks and I had to shove the dress over her head before he came back in - she clearly was hoping for him to 'catch' her naked.

I tried to get rid of her that night by saying I was tired and she suggested that I go to bed and she could stay in the living room and chat to DP. Yeah right!

I insisted and she turned very nasty. I was called a load of names and she kept trying to get DP on her side by making up stories about me talking about him behind his back while he looked on agog. I think she saw this as him rejecting her for me and it pushed her over the edge.

I threw her out in the end - literally had to push her out of the door.

I thought that would be the end of it but she started a hate campaign against me. She told people not to trust me, that I was a liar and a closet lesbian who had sent her obscene text messages. She also called the police on us several times - once because she believed I was hacking her email account Hmm and another time because she thought DP was planning to assault her.

In the end I was assaulted by one of her friends.

We lived there for a year and it was utter hell. I lost stones in weight because I was so wound up all the time that I couldn't eat. I have vowed never to become friends with my neighbours again because of her.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/11/2013 17:47

he says he finds the situation to be funny at times and sad at others. He is particularly amused now because he thinks I'm jealous Hmm

Anyway we agreed that we'll just have to be more assertive and say no.

I took this to mean he's basically a nice person who hadn't thought anything of this woman's behaviour and is now rather embarrassed.

Next time MIL or your DM visit why don't you introduce them to your neighbour. They might have some advice for her.

erstdieArbeit · 30/11/2013 17:55

Shem knows exactly what she is doing and you have been very patient. It is your dh who has to sort this out. I think it is high time to cut throughthe crap and call her bluff, cut out her control, do notbask her, just make the calls. Find a handyman who is generally available, call a doctor, make a ,edical appoimtment and di it in front of her. Do not take no for an answer.Syress your concerns re the frequemcy of her problems. Lay it on with a trowel and see it throughnand tell your husband enough is enough. I dot think they are up to anything, t o be honest.Yes, obviously some 60year olds are very fit and elehant and desirable. I personally am 61 and have a toyboy who is 28. I rarely see him and when I need help I pay for it. I have a meighnour who often puts ,y bins out and I appreciate that. You might also like to keep a diary and show her the frequency of her problems. she may be getting older but she is far from being stupid. best of luck. Avtually it is not
Uck tjat you need, it is for dh to get on tje same page as yourself and to do it SOON.

HotDogSlaughter · 30/11/2013 19:10

She has a fucking cheek!

You need to become a lioness and roar at her to leave him alone.

He also has to stop responding to her ridiculous requests.

Agree that 60 is not old cronie these days.....

Brokensoul · 30/11/2013 19:17

Where are you op?

toffeesponge · 30/11/2013 19:26

If this was my husband it would definitely piss me off that he thinks it is "amusing" that I was jealous (though you do not come across as jealous.)

This woman is out to get your man and you need to tell him to stop being a twat and remember who is wife is and it is not very loving to laugh at her.

SnakeyMcBadass · 30/11/2013 19:34

See how amusing he finds it when you use Nanfucker as a term of endearment.

storytopper · 30/11/2013 19:40

This woman is strange but your DH is encouraging her. Next time she comes round say, "Sorry we are busy. Do you have any other friends who can help?" And you need to show a united front on this one.

toffeesponge · 30/11/2013 19:57

But say it without the "other".

MissScatterbrain · 30/11/2013 20:00

Its your DH who is the problem, not her. He is qquite happy to be manipulated in this way.

He thinks its funny that you are jealous Hmm

He has been away and yet prefers t spend time with her instead of his new bride Hmm

He thinks its ok to be friendly with someone who is obviously rude to you Hmm

You both need to talk about boundaries and loyalties....

FaceDirectionOfTravel · 30/11/2013 20:01

Even if she isn't out to get your man, she clearly has no idea of appropriate boundaries. This is a situation which can quickly become unmanageable - look at all the many, many threads about people who have difficult in-laws who have no idea of boundaries. Your problem lives in the same building and you need to use all the tactics at your disposal to establish boundaries. Tell your husband that this is not about jealousy (what a twat to say that, sorry) but about containing a relationship to its appropriate sphere.

MissScatterbrain · 30/11/2013 20:03

Face - but surely its up to OP's DH to establish boundaries Confused

storytopper · 30/11/2013 20:08

Smile toffeesponge - good point!

Branleuse · 30/11/2013 20:15

its not as if 60 is old these days.

Would your husband be so delighted if a 60 year old man took a shine to you and you kept going round visiting him, even though he was positively hostile to your husband??

Heartbrokenmum73 · 30/11/2013 20:43

Extreme examples but:

Susan Sarandon - 66
Olivia Newton-John - 64
Jane Seymour - 62
Goldie Hawn - 67

I know they're all styled and Hollywood but 60 is hardly 90 is it? My DM is 61 and doesn't look it, and she certainly doesn't behave like a beige-clad, blue-rinse pensioner.

60 is nothing these days!

InTheRedCorner · 30/11/2013 20:59

I think it's sad that your new DH hasn't taken your feelings Into consideration and sees you as jealous.

Gunznroses · 30/11/2013 21:06

qintessential Grin Grin dear God. I couldn't continue watching that i was cringing so badly, especially at the bit where they linked hands and she turns her gummy mouth to the wind.

mainamow · 30/11/2013 21:09

What if she has cramps in her tighs or a back pain? Your DH would have to massage her to cure her. Your DH thinks it is amusing which is not. She is indeed a pest. Go with him next time. I hope she does not say: I do not need your help. He comes with me.

Gunznroses · 30/11/2013 21:14

Quinessential MY EYES MY EYES!!! I went back to look at it again expecting the whole scene to rapidly end but instead.......it was in time to see them press lips together instead Shock