Bizarre situation with neighbour and DH - is this inappropriate or am I being silly?

[kiwiwiki]

Hello,

I had to name change for this one, as I feel like a complete prat asking for help with a sweet old lady. I need a bit of perspective so if you think I'm being ridiculous, feel free to say so and I won't take it personally.

Here's the story. I got married quite recently (I'm 27, DH is 34). We moved into our flat several months ago. There is an older lady (I think in her 60s, though I'm not sure) who lives alone down the hall and I think she has a bit of a crush on DH. That would be completely fine with me, but it's getting a bit too much. Initially she just went out of her way to chat with him every time he was around. Now, though, she has moved on to asking him for help with things in her flat. Sometimes she'll say that she's feeling unwell, other times she desperately needs help getting something fixed. It started to get a bit irritating after a while, but I still didn't mind until she started knocking on our door later and later in the evenings.

She completely ignores me. She's been to my flat multiple times now and knows who I am, but goes out of her way not to say hello to me when we see each other. This week DH was away on a business trip and I was alone. She came by the other day, claiming to be feeling ill and faint and asked if DH was around. I told her that he wasn't but offered to help her myself. She declined and said that she would be fine. I actually insisted (if she was really ill, I didn't want that on my conscience) but she refused my help and left.

Well, he came back tonight and so did she. Knocked on the door about 30 mins ago, claiming to be ill and he went to her flat and is still with her now.

I started getting annoyed so I complained about her behaviour to a friend who I was chatting with online. The friend said that the situation could be much worse than a simple annoyance. She said that the neighbour could cause a lot of trouble, accuse him of assault, or anything she felt like if things turned sour.

I think this is taking things a bit too far but it scared me a little too. Is my friend being completely paranoid or do I have something to worry about?

whether she's after your husband or not is neither here nor there. She has got a bit of cheek imposing on her neighbour(s) in this way and the fact she downright ignores you but expects your DH to go round at the drop of a hat is way out of order.

I agree with others who have said you have a right to be pissed off with him for being so friendly with someone who is so rude to you. Even if your husband isn't there to see this happen, you are his DW and I am sure you talk to him about how she treats you.

This woman sounds like a pest to me too but I agree that your DH is the one who needs to nip it in the bud and that you both need to present a united front. It's all very well being a good and kind neighbour but the fact that she refuses YOUR help just goes to show its not good, kind neighbours she needs but rather your DH. Sounds like she has got into some sort of weird dependency on him and without knowing both parties, I'd be very suspicious of this relationship tbh.

At nan fucker

Don't phone the NHS.

Don't phone a builder/plumber/electrician.

Don't be available.

Just say No. And keep on saying it.

Gunznroses He is 34, and she is 78. It was a stunt for charity. The more people signed up for a unicef child sponsorhip at £25 per month, the older the person he had to act this scene with. They got over 4000 new subscribers in the course of the show, and as a result, this lucky gran got to play Kate Winslets role, against a man voted one of the sexiest in Norway. If you watched it to the end, it was a loooooong snog.

Let's flip this around.

A male 46 yo old neighbour knocks at your door saying he has so,me cooking disaster in his kitchen. Your DH offers to help but he says no, only -kiwiwiki can help.

Next day the same again. You go regularly for long chats with him. Then you stay until near midnight, when your DH finally comes back to get you, having had a lone supper and a read in his own.

Same again week in, week out.

Appropriate? Your DH is out of order.

Quintessential Oh I get they are doing it for charity! BUT it was just too ickyto watch. Sometimes the means just doesn't justify the end.

boak @ Granny Fanny!!!

I would be worried about my DH. If she spiked his drink she could probably give him a blow j*b. Or may be she just wants to talk to him and has no sexual desires, who knows. There are also emotional vampires draining energy with their stories and attention sicking. Is you DH drained after meeting her by any chance although it sounds like he is enjoying the visits.

Bottom line? She is not you or your husbands responsibility. She sounds lonely, but to be blunt, that is not your problem. She is not a Neighbour you've know for 20 years or a friend and you do not have to support her in this way- you have your own lives to lead. Yes for that emergency once a year, locked herself out, fine. Being her free DIY handy Andy or local Age Concern volunteer to sit with her? You didn't sign up for that!

I wouldn't pander to this at all. I'd go to the door myself and tell her that my DH was tired/on a conference call/ in the bath, whatever, and to be quite honest he was finding her obvious disdain of me rather unsettling and that he was becoming uncomfortable with the situation she is putting him in. I'd inform her that WE would be happy to help in a genuine emergency and wish her good day, closely the door firmly.

She's bloody at it. 60 is not old. At the very least if answer the door rather 'ruffled' and tell her this was not a good time and after bit seeing my DH all week, we were 'catching up.'

You are not a horrible person,in fact you have shown remarkable patience.

The woman is becoming obsessive and it's time for a serious chat with your DH about the situation.

You and your DH need to find a way to extricate your DH from this situation very carefully and tactfully.

There is a very high chance she is going to react very negatively to his withdrawal and this will have long term effects on where you live.

Good Luck!

It should be possible to discuss this without making offensive, ageist, misogenistic comments crowmarsh and Lucius

I vote for phoning Social Services. That way...

• if she does have issues she needs help with (MH or otherwise) she hopefully will get support. You're still being supportive neighbours, yet at a distance.
• it means you've covered your arses should she get nasty
• she doesn't affect your marriage further (and she's already affecting it because you're not happy with the situation yet your husband thinks you're jealous!)

In the meantime you answer the door to her Kiwi not your DH, and when she asks for your husband you say he can't come over but here's the number for NHS Direct (or whatever it's called now) because "we're worried and they are far better qualified to help you then either my husband or I are". If she won't take it call an ambulance. Tell the operator she keeps getting dizzy and you're worried. The paramedics will assess her and get the treatment she needs (if she's actually ill that is) or hopefully inform SS if they thing it's more complex than that.

I asked DH what he thinks and he says he finds the situation to be funny at times and sad at others. He is particularly amused now because he thinks I'm jealous. Anyway we agreed that we'll just have to be more assertive and say no. And if she claims to be sick again, we'll call the NHS. I think it'll be a bit harder in practice though, because she is such a drama queen

He won't be particularly amused once she ups her game and accuses him of all sorts. Perhaps ask that if he gets arrested for molestation does he want you be be particularly amused back, or to pay his bail money first?

My mother has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and she would do this OP. She has done it several times in fact. She needs the attention you see, and the drama. Cannot live without it.

I remember one occasion where she was "caught" washing a neighbours husbands hair. He had hurt his hand so my dear mum had offered bullied him to wash his hair for him, just when she knew his DW would be coming home.

Of course these things all look so innocent but they aren't. They are designed to control, manipulate and cause trouble.

The fact your neighbour is upsetting you is an added bonus in her book. If she actually managed to split you up she would be doing cartwheels.

My hubby would find it funny too if I were jealous of a situation he really didn't remotely see as worthy of being jealous about. Says to me that your hubby doesn't see her as anything to threaten you.

Next time the door goes, you answer it and say mr kiwi is asleep and you don't want to wake him but you'll come over if she's worried. Do that a few times and alternate with him not being well himsel. Ifshe catches you both when he's clearly clearly not ill, tired, in the bath etc then get him to ask you to come with him whilst in her earshot so it leaves her under no illusions that he wants you there rather than you controlling him. You can then move on to him suggesting to her that she looks for warden controlled accommodation like a McCathy Stone type place as she's clearly not coping alone! Let her see that he sees her as elder and needy.

I know it is the DH's job to establish boundaries but some people do not see the problem until something much more obvious happens. OP is being smart in foreseeing the difficulties down the line, and for whatever reason, her DH does not see it yet (or doesn't want to). So she, sadly, has to be the one to sort it out for now.

Agree with the narcissistic thing, and I am not usually one to jump on this bandwagon. Create distance without too much drama I think.

Next time she knocks on the door, look fuffled and say your DH is 'busy' right now. Say "we are newlyweds after all" and give her a big smile and a wink before closing the door.

Agree completely with phoning 111 next time she is 'ill' too, they are after all so much better trained to look after her and will be able to tell she's faking it in a heartbeat

FGS Do not call an ambulance. What a waster of resources when she isn't medically unwell. She might need mental health support or she might just be a trouble maker but don't waste ambulance workers time.

Get a peice of paper sorted with the emergency phone numbers on

Doctor
Emergency doctor
Plumber
carpenter
Locksmith
Taxi
Glass replacement

put all the phone numbers next to it and then laminate the sheet

take this around to her and give her then firmly tell her this will save your husband being her free lackey form now on.

I wouldn't help at all with the evil old witch (with her intentions). Having had neighbour trouble before but also seeing drama which arose when my nana lived in private retirement flats with warden I too know that 60 and upwards once old people of either sex want to start a vendetta or cause problems then damned right they can do this. And often with no remorse.

Your DH also needs to be put right not overly seriously but as others say needs to be an action plan where either outside help is obtained etc or you don't help full stop.

Wonder where her kids, friends etc are or has she driven them away with this needy narcissistic behaviour?!

I'm not actually jealous of this woman and DH knows that too, he was just teasing me about it. Although you're right that he doesn't take the situation seriously. Tbh neither did I until Friday night when I posted here. He just doesn't seem that bothered by the situation, although I'm not really sure why we put up with it for so long. It became a bit of a joke between us when she'd come over because we started to realise what she was up to. Then when he would come back he'd always sort of roll his eyes about it and tell me what she had made up this time. Not sure why neither of us ever thought we should just say no...