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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bizarre situation with neighbour and DH - is this inappropriate or am I being silly?

209 replies

kiwiwiki · 29/11/2013 22:51

Hello,

I had to name change for this one, as I feel like a complete prat asking for help with a sweet old lady. I need a bit of perspective so if you think I'm being ridiculous, feel free to say so and I won't take it personally.

Here's the story. I got married quite recently (I'm 27, DH is 34). We moved into our flat several months ago. There is an older lady (I think in her 60s, though I'm not sure) who lives alone down the hall and I think she has a bit of a crush on DH. That would be completely fine with me, but it's getting a bit too much. Initially she just went out of her way to chat with him every time he was around. Now, though, she has moved on to asking him for help with things in her flat. Sometimes she'll say that she's feeling unwell, other times she desperately needs help getting something fixed. It started to get a bit irritating after a while, but I still didn't mind until she started knocking on our door later and later in the evenings.

She completely ignores me. She's been to my flat multiple times now and knows who I am, but goes out of her way not to say hello to me when we see each other. This week DH was away on a business trip and I was alone. She came by the other day, claiming to be feeling ill and faint and asked if DH was around. I told her that he wasn't but offered to help her myself. She declined and said that she would be fine. I actually insisted (if she was really ill, I didn't want that on my conscience) but she refused my help and left.

Well, he came back tonight and so did she. Knocked on the door about 30 mins ago, claiming to be ill and he went to her flat and is still with her now.

I started getting annoyed so I complained about her behaviour to a friend who I was chatting with online. The friend said that the situation could be much worse than a simple annoyance. She said that the neighbour could cause a lot of trouble, accuse him of assault, or anything she felt like if things turned sour.

I think this is taking things a bit too far but it scared me a little too. Is my friend being completely paranoid or do I have something to worry about?

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 29/11/2013 23:32

Need. To. Sleep. Goodnight. Do update us pleaase.

Darkesteyes · 29/11/2013 23:33

except she didn't look happy to see me.

Ill bet she didnt!

DuckToWater · 29/11/2013 23:33

Next time she calls him for help, he needs to say no. "Sorry, I'm busy, have you tried...111, a plumber, a handyman...etc"

Say no a few times and she should get the message.

MerryMarigold · 29/11/2013 23:34

Oh phew. Thanks. Will sleep well now. Next time strategy kicks in!!

OldBagWantsNewBag · 29/11/2013 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 29/11/2013 23:36

Wow your DH is the miracle healing man!

Night night OP and take care. And tell him to not go round again unless you are with him.

Original poster
kiwiwiki · 29/11/2013 23:36

Thanks a lot for the advice. I'm quite new to the whole being married business. Our wedding was in August, but we didn't live together before that. I've actually never lived with a partner before so it's a learning curve really. Sometimes people give me advice that sounds so obvious but never occurred to me!

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 29/11/2013 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MurderOfGoths · 29/11/2013 23:40

Not being able to breath would definitely be an ambulance type situation, not a sit and have a nice chat one. Hmm

MeMySonAndI · 29/11/2013 23:40

Show him this thread, she may look old to you both but she may be thinking she is about to get a toyboy! And yes, I agree that he is putting himself in a bad situation if he continues to get and stay there for such amount of time, she may be even thinking that he is reciprocating her interest.

I have a friend who was in a very similar position that you are in, although we all are confident that nothing ever happened between them, once he made it clear to the woman he had no romantic interest for herm she reported him to the police, said they had been having an affair and he had abused her.

Obviously, he was proved innocent very quickly but it was so stressful and embarrassing for my friends.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/11/2013 23:44

She's at it. If she were 16 you'd tell her to behave.

Xfirefly · 29/11/2013 23:44

have something similar with our neighbour but not so extreme. always comes out to talk to DH if he's outside (never with me even though we're friendly), always quite flirty. she sat on her step whilst he was fixing his car Hmm .she's always asking for jobs done inside the house even though her hubby is fine to do them. we just laugh at her. it's a joke now , we call her his girlfriend Grin

Original poster
kiwiwiki · 29/11/2013 23:44

We don't have a strategy yet. Tbh, I haven't seen DH in almost a week, the last thing I want to do now is spend more time talking about this woman.

We'll deal with it in the morning and I may very well be back on here to seek some of your wisdom!

Thank you! Thanks

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 29/11/2013 23:47

Normally I'm trigger happy but I was quite disappointed to see the 'Add your message' box without Grannygate resolution.

Not much to add OP except to second that 60 is young; don't be complacent. I'm pretty sure your DH is 'kind' over 'tempted' but when someone is really going for it, unless she's a complete munter, a moment of weakness is always a lurking concern.

sadwidow28 · 29/11/2013 23:48

It took my mother to tell me to 'watch out' for a neighbour who required my OH to raise bike saddles for the 3 girls; change a car tyre; help with moving rubbish; move furniture etc etc.

I just didn't see it as late-OH was a kind man - and I am a kind, supportive person also.

Encroaching on family time is not acceptable. Answer the door yourself and don't call your OH. Say that you will come round immediately and sort things out.

Age doesn't matter - a fixation or crush knows no boundaries.

middleeasternpromise · 29/11/2013 23:53

You and husband need to be on the same page about this or it could be a major problem. Agree with him how you are going to handle it but I would suggest no more 'him only' visits - its both of you or not at all. If she cant have his company without yours, you may well find she moves on to someone else. This is not appropriate on any level.

caramelwaffle · 29/11/2013 23:55

She fancies your husband and doesn't want you in the picture.

ExcuseTypos · 30/11/2013 00:09

Well, you're a bit naive of you think being in your 60s means she can't have another motive, 60 isn't elderly!! Im only 12 years away form that and I'm sure I'll still be interested in nice young men by then.

Definitely tell DH not to go around by himself again. She's really taking advantage of him, and I suspect wants it to go further. If she was just a bit lonely, she would talk to you and not always insist your DH helped her.

ghostonthecanvas · 30/11/2013 00:35

It is really very simple. Anything your DH can do, you can do. Whenever she calls round you deal with her. Firmly. My older neighbour was very needy . xDP was 25. She was approaching 50. (The age I am now and I don't consider myself old) She was constantly seeking him out. Twat fell for it, very flattered, we split up.
You both need to take control. If you feel she may not be faking (she obviously is) then you help. Tell her DH busy, tired, ill. Anything. Get rid of her.

Cerisier · 30/11/2013 04:18

A salutary tale from ghost OP. Please act on the advice here.

forumdonkey · 30/11/2013 07:34

I also think your friend may have a point about your DH leaving himself vulnerable and open to accusations. This woman clearly has no shame knocking on your door seeking your DH assistance with faux illnesses and looking for excuses to get him to her flat she quite clearly has an agenda for which she has so much brass neck you should call her brillo. It is with this mind your DH should be cautious he leaves himself open to accusations of theft not only assault and anything else mad old brillo may dream up.

I say old but at 60 summat she's far from it and she's showing there's a lot of life in the old dog yet.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 30/11/2013 07:45

How do you know they aren't shagging?

RubyGoat · 30/11/2013 08:04

Surely if they were shagging, they would have locked the door so the OP couldn't walk in!?

Strawberrykisses · 30/11/2013 08:09

She is Trouble. He has to stop going round and he has to be far too busy to stop if she tries to strike up conversation if they bump into each other. I'd also be tempted to make very loud sex noises every time she comes to the door. Or answer it naked. Maybe she will take the hint and fuck off.

Morgause · 30/11/2013 08:10

I think your DH needs to deal with it or she may fantasise that you are coming between them.

If he asks you to come round as well, in her hearing, and you go she may eventually give up. Or he should be the one to turn her away at the door with, "I'm busy ......"