Shit! 'H' found out I've opened a bank account

[devonsmummy]

He was verbally & physically abusive to me & ds a couple of weeks ago.
I want to leave but am a sahm in a jointly mortgaged property.
The only appointment the women's centre had was during half term so couldn't take it.
I've set up a bank account( as all I had was a joint account)
I don't know how he found out, but H phoned this morning & asked why I had a new account.
I was caught off guard & said because I wanted my own.
He's called again saying ' I don't understand why you need an account ' I cut the call short as just leaving for school run.
How do I make it seem innocent & not an account to use when I fell him its over?
I'm actually shitting myself about him coming home later as I know he won't leave it

[IfIDontKnowAndYouDontKnow]

OP, hope you are ok. Where about are you? I am in Kent. I will help if you are nearby and want to get away.

[ImperialBlether]

I think I'd say that you heard about someone separating out the CB into a different account to try to save a bit of money and that you didn't make it a joint one because you were on your own when you did it and they would have needed his signature.

[AdoraBell]

I agree with pps who have suggested you are saving CB for DS.

Then move up your plans To leave, call Women's Aid and inform the police of the previous assult.

Do you have a friend you could leave a bag with? Someone you can really trust, who could lié through her/his teeth if H asks if you've stashed a suitcase.

If so pack documentos, birth certificates for both you and DS, marriage cert, pasaportes, driving licence. Unless H would notice their asbence.
Include a small amount of clothing as small treat for DS, his favourites sweets/chocolate.

Good luck OP

[Geckos48]

I would tell him you got cold called and it all
sounded like a good idea and you'd not really given it much more thought, thought you could use it for Christmas presents and just opened it because you felt pressured.

[dustarr73]

I hope the op is still reading this,even if she is not replying.I think Adorabell is dead on the money.Stash a bag somewhere that if you nees to leave you have a bag somewhere

[AdoraBell]

and a treat for DS, clothing for both of you.

[Hendricksandcucumber]

I just wanted to add, SS aren't something to be afraid of in this situation, by leaving they will see that you are safeguarding DS and they can help you get to a refuge. There may also be the possibility of section 17 payments until things are sorted financially. Additionally if you do leave because of DV the police can accompany you back to the family home at a later date to collect toys clothes pics etc.

Good Luck!

[perfectstorm]

Spirulina if you really care about the people in this situation, then be a love and back the fuck off. This is the OP's life and trying to bully her into doing as you think best is possibly a tad reminiscent of her home situation - scarcely constructive.

OP I think you need to focus a little: visit your GP and tell him or her everything. Financial abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse. If you live in England and Wales, you need a record of abuse in order to be granted legal aid. You will need legal aid for contact/residence disputes when you're ready to leave. If you can't provide evidence of harassment or domestic abuse/violence, you don't get legal aid anymore. I understand why you don't want to report to police right now but you NEED to get this logged with a GP, because that counts as contemporaneous record for public funding reasons yet they are 100% bound by confidentiality, so nobody will talk to your H and increase your risk. Health Visitor is also a good idea if your child is preschool aged - that counts, too.

Please call Women's Aid if you haven't already. They will be able to offer the emotional support you so very much deserve and need, as well as sensible practical advice. Look after yourself, and please check in here if you feel able to? A lot of women here are thinking of you and wishing you nothing but well.

[Tuhlulah]

Well done Perfect Storm, great advice. I didn't know that about legal aid.
I guess this is why OP needs to contact Women's Aid, for practical and tactical advice.

[Loopyloulu]

I still can't see how the DH knows about the bank account. If it wasn't a letter home which he saw then it was the bank calling home and speaking to him instead- OP should contact them to ask and give them a bollicking.

Changing the locks is a no-no. For a start how is that possible unless someone can do it at the drop of a hat when he is at work? Secondly it's illegal- it's his home too. Thirdly, it may prompt more violence if he tried to get in via smashing windows etc , which he has every right to do to gain entry to his own house as there is no order against him to stop him.

OP if you are still reading then I don't think you need make it complicated- you need to tell him that you wanted to put some money aside for a rainy day or for some savings, and that is why you opened a separate account.

If you are so worried about his reaction to what is a normal thing for a wife to do, then it's sign you need to leave the marriage as soon as you can. Have you got friends in RL you can go and stay with?

[Mumbrage]

They know by looking at you (these abusive bully types)

[MaryPoppinsBag]

OP did you open your account online? If so he may have looked on the Internet history.

Just say that you want to separate the child benefit from the main account so it can save up for treats.

[perfectstorm]

OP I really, really hope you're using private web browsing to post on MN, and clearing all cache/history afterwards. There's also the option of the other place to post, if you need it. (PM me if you want advice on how?)

[comedycentral]

I can't believe the OP has been scared away. Some people ought to be ashamed.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Yes lisad123, you are right. I have been with Nationwide for donkeys years, dp with another bank. When we opened a joint account for household and kids stuff, the new account just automatically comes up on the list of accounts when I log on.

OP come back come back.

I was in your shoes once (without kids) and know what its like when you are slowly facing up to what has been your life. You can't accept that YOU are in a domestic violence situation and people telling you that you are putting your kids in danger is not helping. Yes you keep on autopilot for things like a childs birthday, because the thought of all the upheaval is too much just now. Also if you are used to being dependent on someone else for money and decisions, you feel like you still need their 'approval' to do anything like leave them.

Hope you are ok.

[Loopyloulu]

OP Maybe revert to the old banking in person and cheque books instead of internet banking? I have several accounts but only have internet banking for one account. All other savings accounts are pass books, ISAs, or I just don't bother to get up online banking.

[Tuhlulah]

Op may not have been scared off. Her DH will be home by now I presume, and she has a child, so she is probably busy just now with one thing or another.

She may come back later.

[NorthernLurker]

There is advice on the Womens Aid pages about covering your tracks online.

Tbh OP if you've done anything online for this account then that's probably how he knew so when you want to set up another or make changes don't do it in your house. Go to the library and use the PC there.

[FestiveEdition]

OP - take a deep breath, sweetheart. You are in a difficult place, right now, and I think you have been handling it well. If there is asvice here which just isn't appropriate for you at the moment, then ignore it. You have enough going on!

I don't want to worry you further, but given that you seem to have covered all the possible routes of your H finding out about the account (mole, post etc) there is one lousy possibility left ...... you said you set up online banking, so is it possible he has set up spy softwear on your computer> its ridiculously easy to do, and you would never know it is there,. Some programmes don;t even show up in the programmes list.

Please don;t think I am saying this to worry or frighten you, but it is the only other route to his finding out about the account, that I can think of.

At the moment, I would play it cool but please just try to make sure that your mum always knows exactly what the situation is from day to day, and arrange a code call ....so she appears to just randomly call you, but is actually also checking that everything is OK.

You have been planning well, and handling things well up until now .....don't let this setback scare you too badly, just continue to ensure you stay safe.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Everyone is worried for you and your DCs, feelings ran high here. OP hope things are quiet this evening. Sticks in the throat to say it but avoid his triggers, be bland, soft, really for now just keep yourself safe.

[Tiredemma]

I hope that the OP is ok.

[devonsmummy]

He got home just as I was taking dc's up for bed.
Didn't speak to me at all - spoke to kids.
I'm now in bed with kids (I've gone to bed with kids for last 2 years so not unusual behaviour!)
I'll call women's aid tomorrow once both dc's are at school.
Spoke with my brother earlier when he called me - told him situation, he said there's always a bed for us at his if we need it.
Thanks everyone for your concern / advice.
Helps make me feel I'm doing the right thing.

[ABitterPIL]

Violence is never ok. You are doing the right thing. The quicker the better