Shit! 'H' found out I've opened a bank account

[devonsmummy]

He was verbally & physically abusive to me & ds a couple of weeks ago.
I want to leave but am a sahm in a jointly mortgaged property.
The only appointment the women's centre had was during half term so couldn't take it.
I've set up a bank account( as all I had was a joint account)
I don't know how he found out, but H phoned this morning & asked why I had a new account.
I was caught off guard & said because I wanted my own.
He's called again saying ' I don't understand why you need an account ' I cut the call short as just leaving for school run.
How do I make it seem innocent & not an account to use when I fell him its over?
I'm actually shitting myself about him coming home later as I know he won't leave it

[devonsmummy]

I didn't call police - I had the phone in my hand but had to deal with my dc's upset.
He didn't punch or hit us - it was grabbing -ds on shoulders & picked him up by them
He grabbed me around the neck from behind abd shoved me (after I slapped him in the face telling him to leave ds alone)
I'm not defending him by saying that

[Spirulina]

you do realise that if your ds mentions to school then ss will be down on you like a ton of bricks?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Did you not call the police at all subsequently?.

That was still domestic violence on his part involving both you and your child. He is also verbally abusive towards you and is upping the ante now.

The most dangerous time for you is actually around the time when you are planning to leave.

[Mumbrage]

Honestly Devon'smummy, it is like a frog being boiled. I know. It was a shove and a shout, and then it was a rougher shove and a louder shout, and then it was a poke and a grimace and a rough shove and a louder shout..... it jsut escalates, and you always stop short of calling the police because you think, well, it wasn't much worse than last time, and I didn't call the police then so you think in your distorted thinking that it would be dramatic to call the police, and besides, women like you aren't 'victims' of domestic violence really, because you could go back to your parents, but you choose not to right? you choose to stay and take it, for now. Please go to women's aid. It's one of my biggest regrets that I didn't. I always thought that there were women worse off than I was and that I'd be using up valuable resources if I went to them. Even tually I did step on a plane to relocate to where my parents lived. It was a total relocation. In my late 30s. With two children. But i never regretted it. I remember those interrogations very well. Imagine never having to answer to that bullshit ever again!

[devonsmummy]

That's something else for me To worry about then

[CinnamonPorridge]

Devons, has this been the first time he was violent against you?

If not, I'd be packing my bags now.

If yes, what has happened in the mean time? If you're not talking I assume he hasn't apologized? Shown remorse?

Please keep yourself and your child safe.

[fuzzywuzzy]

If he runs a credit check on you both accounts joined to your name will come up if you've used your marital home as the address for the bank account.

[Tuhlulah]

Devon -is that the worst he has ever done?

Not a facetious question and I may be totally wrong - but if this is the worst he has done, is it likely he is going to come home tonight and be more violent that this (and I am not undermining it)? Because if it is just pushing and shoving and shouting, then it might not warrant an immediate escape. You may have time to sort yourself out and create new account etc.

If you do decide to stay, could you ask DS friend's parents to let him stay overnight, so he doesn't get caught up in this tonight? Or will that create further problems.

I am not suggesting you stay with him, just that you may be able to stay long enough to be a bit more sorted. But I expect you will never feel ready.

[Mumbrage]

No. DOn't worry about it. It's not new information really. YOu know it already deep down. You do don't you?

The worst attack my x perpetrated on me was when he realised I wasn't coming back, and although it hurt physically, I knew as he was doing it, finally finally finally the fucking anaesthetic and worn the fuck off and I was free. Does that make sense? I'd "come round". Mentally.

[Mumbrage]

Nobody wants to load more on to your plate, but, line up your ducks, that's all anybody is suggesting. And that's what you were trying to do!

[Spirulina]

why are you still there?

you are being complicit in your dh child abuse.....its neglect. so why are you keeping your ds in this environment?

I also got out of a dv relationship,had to flee to a hostel with 4 dc. it was fine

[devonsmummy]

Mumbrage - sounds like you were living my life.
Ds's birthday on Wednesday & party booked (I don't want him to hate birthdays because they remind him of. Mum leaving dad - he's outwardly forgiven his dad , who is on overdrive to the outside world taking dc's out letting ds stay up late with him)
I'm actually in tears now
I just wish my mum lived here - I'd be home in a shot

[toffeesponge]

Devon, stop getting snippy and PA with posters and listen to what they are telling you. Your husband is an abusive bully and your children need to be away from him.

[Mumbrage]

Spirulina, that was a pivotal moment for me. When I realised one of the dc had regressed, wetting her knickers when her father was ranting and raging at me. god the shame now that I didn't leave sooner

[devonsmummy]

Thanks for all your support
Spiralina - I'm not in a strong enough place right now to read any more of your input so I'm off

[Mumbrage]

oh honey,

Are you Irish by any chance? I'm Irish and I had to leave your situation in the UK. Your son will be ok. There is support here too. Community Welfare officers, Lone parent allowance. I am so grateful to the 'authorities' here iykwim.

[CinnamonPorridge]

Devons, there is no need to cancel your ds's birthday party.

If you think the shit will hit the fan later on, make plans to get away. Your children will thank you for it, believe me. They might be small, but they know something isn't right. And dad now being in superdaddy mode confuses them even more.
They will grow up trying to work out an abuser's brain, which mode is he in, will always try to please him, will think it is their fault he is behaving like this and will feel responsible for your safety.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Devon, you could have an amazing party for your DC being the first bday you are free of this monster.

[CiderwithBuda]

Spirulina - you are not helping. She knows all that and is trying to do something.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Why do you believe that DS will hate remembering Mum leaving Dad rather than being extremely relieved? Don't answer - just think about it.

[Pancakeflipper]

Devon, don't go stay here. Decision making is incredibly hard and it's scary. But don't be alone. Talk.

[Mumbrage]

I left my life in the UK and relocated with one rucksack. Up until a week before I left my friends believed I was ok. Well, maybe not closest friends. But I'd been wasting so much energy maintaining a facade.

Come back, nobody's judging. We know you know that the best thing is to leave. We understand the practicalities and the logistics of actually arranging that can be hard.

Spirulina says she went to a refuge and I foolishly thought that that was not right for me, that what I'd been through wasn't 'bad enough'. Now i'm out the other end i can see that it was plenty bad enough. Ishould have taken the support that was there, that's one of my regrets now, that I didn't take the help that was there sooner.

[Tuhlulah]

Devon, my poor love. Don't cry. You are a big girl and you are capable of sorting this out. You will survive this because you are not going to wait for this to escalate until he is punching you and worse. This is enough.

You are assuming your DS will think his mum leaving his dad is a bad thing. You are living in fear and I expect DS is too. I can hear the eggshells from here.

Every step, every day as it comes. But make a start. Before he comes back call Women's Aid. You have the number and you have the time. Does the cunt check your phone numbers? If so, call box.

First, find your way out. Do not live in this fear. You have the power to do this. Your DS needs you to protect him from this. He didn't choose to live with your fucking bastard cunt of a runt of a man, but you are choosing for him.

[dinnaementiontheprunes]

Banks are really blasé about contacting spouses, even if you have different names. There was a thread on MN a while ago (I can't find it now) where people were saying the bank had contacted their husbands, even if the account was in the woman's name only. (It was about energy companies iirc.)

If you used the same bank as he does, or one you had a joint account with previously, it's possible this has happened. It shouldn't happen, it's outrageous, but it does sometimes. My own account doesn't show up on dh's banking page, btw, he only has access to our joint account details.

Sorry not to be of any concrete help, I just remembered that thread and thought that you might not need to be looking for a sinister method by which he found out. All the best.

[CinnamonPorridge]

Please keep talking. Everyone who's been in your situation has found it incredibly hard to leave, but no one ever regretted leaving an abusive partner.
You may be stronger than you think.