Shit! 'H' found out I've opened a bank account

[devonsmummy]

He was verbally & physically abusive to me & ds a couple of weeks ago.
I want to leave but am a sahm in a jointly mortgaged property.
The only appointment the women's centre had was during half term so couldn't take it.
I've set up a bank account( as all I had was a joint account)
I don't know how he found out, but H phoned this morning & asked why I had a new account.
I was caught off guard & said because I wanted my own.
He's called again saying ' I don't understand why you need an account ' I cut the call short as just leaving for school run.
How do I make it seem innocent & not an account to use when I fell him its over?
I'm actually shitting myself about him coming home later as I know he won't leave it

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Call WA. Get help. This is not normal.

In terms of reasons:

• as you have no earnings, any money you save in your name is not taxable, (fill in a R85 form from HRMC and hand to your bank, they will not charge any tax in your savings) so arguably all your household savings should be in your name.

• what if he gets under a bus? The joint account would be frozen and it takes up to six weeks to unfreeze.

• so that he does not know how much his birthday and Christmas presents cost.

[PeterParkerSays]

Devons, do you have to leave? could you get the locks changed so he can't get in?

I can absolutely see why you want DS to have his party as planned, but I would really look to get out, rather than deal with him tonight. You could call him this afternoon and say "You wanted to know why I have set up an account? It's so I can build up a fund to move my son away from your violence. I can't talk now, I have a taxi waiting" and get into it, having been in touch with Women's Aid.

You don't need to explain your decision to him.

[bubblybottom]

[bubblybottom]

If you are in merseyside and need refuge you can come to me xxx

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Perhaps he got a text because of the shared online banking details.

Saving up for Xmas so the money is ringfenced from the general spending.

[Spirulina]

gosh don't tell her to change the locks! that's not legal at all and could make things ten times worse

is it still 2 women a week dying at the hands of a partner? I ask because the many MN threads alone make me fearful for all the dc involved,there are so many threads where women will not leave....why?

[garlicbutter]

Spirulina - Women's Aid page Why doesn't she leave?

Being in abusive relationships alters your perception of normality. You simply don't think like a 'normal' person, neither do you value yourself as a 'normal' person does. Overcoming these factors is the biggest issue for most.

[garlicbutter]

I'm in favour of changing locks - after reporting to the police and having backup in place. Fuck the legality; it's illegal to abuse your wife and kids. But, just on its own, it's dangerous. You need to know you're protected.

[PeppermintScreams]

Did he get a text message? Our bank (NatWest) once sent me a text message saying that DP have set up a new payee on his own personal account that is nothing to do with me.

Tell him that you just want your own. You're probably not going to use it but you've read something online about how every woman needs their own personal one, and some bills in their name for credit checks and CRBs (for when you volunteer at kids school etc) and in case he dies. Or you're going to use this account for Christmas and Birthdays. Your son's upcoming birthday has highlighted this. Set up a standing order from your joint account for £20 a month that he can see.

Now set up an online account with a different bank as mentioned above, and start syphoning money away.

But you know this is just a sticking plaster, and you need to seriously start planning your escape.

Good luck.

[fusspot66]

Phone calls to woman's aid don't show up on your phone bill

[Spirulina]

thing is if he calls the police they cant make him stay out of his own house,but she will have to let him in.....or he can break in.....then what? do you think he will just shrug it off?

[Spirulina]

oh,and the dc will witness the whole charade

[fusspot66]

You can also contact them by email

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

Here is the HMRC links that explain about getting your savings interest without tax. I hope this reason buys you some breathing space on the issue of your own bank account.

R85 helpsheet
R85 form

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

Spriulina Did you read the link provided for you?

You're not being at all helpful

[Spirulina]

what about changing the locks?

suggesting changing the locks isn't helpful
suggesting further lies and cover ups isn't helpful
suggesting staying and bowing down to him isn't helpful

what is your offering then diary??

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

I would imagine every single person who has read the thread wants the same thing but making OP feel worse isn't helping anyone. Just because you have escaped doesn't make it easier for others to do the same.

But you know this. You seem well aware of your unhelpfulness

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

No advice to add no, although I do not have to justify myself to you.

You're not advising either though are you?

The OP left her thread because of you.

[wannaBe]

Do people seriously think that getting angry at someone who is already in a vulnerable position and telling them they are complicit in child abuse is going to make them sit up and leave the situation? Or scaring them about the number of women who are killed/that shoving will lead to punches and kicks and so on?

From what op is saying it sounds as if this was low-level violence, no not acceptable by any means and certainly good grounds for leaving the relationship but not a situation where the op is currently in fear for her life or that of her children. Even the likes of women’s aid urge people in abusive relationships to take steps in order to leave rather than taking compulsive steps such as changing locks which may actually put them in greater danger.

Chaging the locks is a bad idea and would be ill advised. If the op locked her h out of the house she would be told by the police to let him back in as this is the marital home and he has the right to be there, especially given the op hasn’t made any allegations against him previously. I speak from experience (not mine but that of a friend). But equally talking about child abuse and social services isn’t helpful either. Many, many people are in abusive relationships, either physical or emotional, and SS certainly don’t come down on them like a ton of bricks or brand them child abusers. Yes if the abuse is such that the authorities become involved then ss would also be informed, but the op is putting steps in place to leave this relationship, she doesn’t need the fear of ss being thrown at her in order to satisfy some posters’ desire for it to happen when they want rather than when op is ready.

Op, if you want to leave the relationship, is there any other reason other than your ds’ birthday why you are biding your time? There’s never an easy time for children to have their parents split up, but as time goes on they do ultimately come to terms with it, and if it happens over an important event such as a birthday there will be other birthdays that will take the place of the one which spelled the end of their parents’ marriage. Children are resilliant, and they will bounce back from this and go on to have happy childhoods.
If you’ve changed the child benefit into your own account
Then your h is going to notice, especially if he’s found out that you have your own bank account, so I’m presuming you are planning to leave sooner rather than later, in which case what plan do you have for leaving?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Spirulina you frightened that poor woman away.

[Retroformica]

Your saving the child benefit separately so that you can give them a chuck of money when they need to pay for uni or car or house deposits etc.

[CatThiefKeith]

s4

[CatThiefKeith]

Sorry, wrong thread