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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset again by Dad's comments regarding our seperation.

196 replies

Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 14:49

Have spoken to my sister this weekend & she told me that she got herself into an argument with Dad over my situation.
She told me that Dad told her that she must not fall pray to any of this nonsence.
My sister told him that she would support me, as I was her sister & she had heard how he had threatened me.
My Dad said "Yes I did & I stand by what I said. I do not regret a word of it."
My sister told him that H has a very bad temper & that he does not know what goes on behind closed doors.
His response to this was "She is a liar & a drama queen and that girl is enough to bring out the temper in anyone!"
He said that members of our family do not give up on marriages & if my sister did what I am doing, she would get the same response.

This has all really upset me again. It looks like he really will reject me for going through with the seperation & I just don't know how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:
singledadofthree · 09/07/2006 14:57

hey
dont know the goings on but that must smart. expect your dad really wants the best for you and is finding it hard to accept things. maybe feels he cant protect you as you are another fellas now. is a hard thing to explain or understand. whatever happens look out for yourself and kids first, your dad will come round eventually i'm sure

Janos · 09/07/2006 15:00

on your behalf lemmingswife, I remember your previous thread.

At times like this, your family should be supporting you; at least you know that your sister is on your side.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:01

I don't know that he will, SDOT. He is angry because H & myself are seperating. He liked H & sees me as a failure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:02

My sister is being great. She is the only member of my family who is being supportive. My Mum just agrees with everything he says.

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 09/07/2006 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 09/07/2006 15:02

Your Dad sounds quite unpleasant from what you've said here Lemmingswife. Has he aways been like this?

BudaBabe · 09/07/2006 15:03

I have read some of your previous threads/posts and really feel for you. As has been pointed out your Dad and your H are VERY similar.

Thankfully your sister is on your side - and just remember your Dad has threatened her with the same treatment - so it's not just directed at you. Don't know it that helps at all.

You ARE doing the right thing. It will be hard but you will get there in the end and be stronger for it.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:04

He can be nasty & is always very dictorial. He will not let you get a word in when he is like this & does not listen to anything you say.

OP posts:
singledadofthree · 09/07/2006 15:07

ok so him being angry is upsetting you - that doesnt make you a failure. you know whats gone on amd what youve put up with - he doesnt. when h is long gone and forgotten, you'll still have yourself, kids and your dad - even tho he's being an arse now - dads can be like that, but he'll still be there when things have settled down would he act the same if he knew how h has been? if not then you can take a bit of comfort in that maybe

chocolatemummy · 09/07/2006 15:16

my father inlaw is like this, he forced my husband into the relationship with his ex, and it ended in utter misery for all of us including their child-all in the name of tradition and 'doing the right thing'
you have to do what is right for you and the kids at all times,

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:20

I have tried to tell him how H has been, but seen as my Dad also has a temper, he doesn't take any notice.
He told me that if I went through with the seperation, I would lose my Dad as well as my husband.
I am not a drama queen at all. I keep lots of things close to my chest & hardly anyone I know in RL is aware this is happening, as I carry on as normal. He is calling me a liar, as he refuses to believe what I say about H.

OP posts:
Blu · 09/07/2006 15:25

Oh how horrible.
The truth is that you are leaving your H because of charatceristics that are exactly like your dad's. It must be terribly painful, but you're never (thank goodness!) going to agree with his stance - that you stay with a man who mistreats you and the boys - so you may have to keep your distance, and your heels dug in. Eventually, when the divorce is sorted etc, your dad wll see that he cannot co-erce you into living his view of the world, and he then has two choices - a divorced daughter, or no daughter. If he chooses a divorced duaghter then you will have effected a huge change in him - not just about his aceptance of what a good marriage means, but in his ability to have a relationship with someone who has stood up to him. If he chooses no daughter, it is his loss, and nothing that you could have done any more to change.

But I do wish you had parents who were a source of support, not this level of unkindness and bullying.

I think BudaBabes point that it isn't personal to you, he has threatened your S with the same thing - means that it is about HIM, not about who you are as a person.

Actually, I think he is a monster - worse than your H in some ways. How can a parent adandon their child so cold-heartedly??

chocolatemummy · 09/07/2006 15:26

it doesn't matter, in the end he will see how much happier and you and the kids are without your h and it's not about him anyway, its about you. It very hurtful of your dad to say that but its a different generation and mindset that they come from

Carmenere · 09/07/2006 15:27

LW - your dad is a bully, bullies don't like being stood up to and he doesn't like that you are standing up to your h and him.

You are in the process of breaking a cycle. Your mum was bullied in her marraige(still is being I'm sure) and you were bullied in your marraige. You put up with it because you were used to seeing that type of relationship in your home where you grew up, it seemed normal to you.

You can be a better parent than your dad by showing your children that it is not on to either bully or be bullied. That will help to ensure that they have happier futures.

Sorry if I am making assumptions but I remember your situation and I think you are doing the right thing. Be strong.

Blu · 09/07/2006 15:31

It's also a very strong implied criticism of him that you are leaving H - he knows that he has behaved much like h both to your Mum as an H, and to you as a dad. And snce he isn't the type to talke criticism of any kind, he is rejecting you out of hand. If he were to support you it could only imply (in his mind) that he accepts that his behaviour has been wrong, too. ooooh look, is that a pig in the sky??!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:32

He said that he now knows how some friend of his felt when his daughter walked out on her husband.
He sees me as a complete failure & his attitude upsets me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:32

I think you have a very good point there, Blu.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 09/07/2006 15:33

Agree with Blu 100 percent, he would have to look at his own behaviour critically if he were to support you.

Blu · 09/07/2006 15:34

You deserve so much beter, LW. You really do. of course his attitude upsets you, it is unkind, and must leave you desoloate.

But in the old cleche, we can't choose our parents, but we can choose our partners...and I know it is beyond what you can think about now, there will be a day when you choose a partner who will give you the support that people who love you are SUPPOSED to give you.

I'm so sad for you when these things happen.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:39

The bit that got to me most was "That girl is enough to bring out the temper in anyone"
It is these kinds of comments that make me feel bad about myself.

OP posts:
Blu · 09/07/2006 15:42

And that is a CLASSIC 'abuser' comment - is it not? It is designed to both shift guilt to the victim, and to make the victim feel they deserve it, and make thier self-esteem crumble.

Fend it off, LW - don't let him do that to you.

Carmenere · 09/07/2006 15:44

LW - sorry to have to say this but that is typical of the type of justification crap that abusers come out with. It's a load of bollix and you should stop thinking about what he has said. His rantings are about him not you as is demonstrated by him stating that he would treat your sister in the same fashion.

edam · 09/07/2006 15:45

Agree with Blu, esp. the similarities between your ex-h and your dad. I suspect he can't stand the idea that you are daring to stand up to your ex, because that means (in his view) you are standing up to him, too. And so you should!

'Members of our family do not give up on marriages' - what he actually means is 'the women in our family should be doormats who suffer in silence and obey orders.' Bollocks to that, this is about your life and that of your kids, not propping up your dad's self-image. You are doing the right thing.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 15:50

I know I am doing the right thing & I shouldn't let them get to me like this, but they do.
He was also making out that they will now have to put the house on the market because they will not have H around to do jobs for them! How ridiculous!!
Have felt pretty horrible this w/e.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 09/07/2006 15:53

Look LW just do your best to ignore their pathetic ramblings. If he like h that much maybe he will still maintain their house for them, hardly a good reason to stay in an abusive marraige.

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