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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset again by Dad's comments regarding our seperation.

196 replies

Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 14:49

Have spoken to my sister this weekend & she told me that she got herself into an argument with Dad over my situation.
She told me that Dad told her that she must not fall pray to any of this nonsence.
My sister told him that she would support me, as I was her sister & she had heard how he had threatened me.
My Dad said "Yes I did & I stand by what I said. I do not regret a word of it."
My sister told him that H has a very bad temper & that he does not know what goes on behind closed doors.
His response to this was "She is a liar & a drama queen and that girl is enough to bring out the temper in anyone!"
He said that members of our family do not give up on marriages & if my sister did what I am doing, she would get the same response.

This has all really upset me again. It looks like he really will reject me for going through with the seperation & I just don't know how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 11/07/2006 22:42

I guess you are right, GF, but it is so very hard.
Last night when I was up dealing with a poorly DS2, he asked for his Daddy at one point.

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 11/07/2006 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glitterfairy · 12/07/2006 06:46

It is hard LW and I think all real change is and that is what this is going to be. New structures and relationships are going to have to be set up adn the kids feel it most because (certainly boys seem to hate it most ime) they dislike things changing and like stability.

Sometimes though we have to do things not only for them but for ourselves as ewll and I truly believe that if they see mummy happier and calmer it makes them feel better in the long run. It is really bad for kids to witness domestic abuse and they see much more than we give them credit for. The emotional stuff teaches them ways in which to manipulate and behave which is wrong.

My X has a father who is a bully and a mother who is also a bully but in a different waya dn I am sure this has affected him but I will not ever allow the sins of the fathers to be visited on the heads of my kids. I do believe that the X has had poor role models and a very difficult childhood growing up in conflict wiht an abusive father and that this has influenced his own behaviour although it does not excuse it in any way.

I would like to think that by showing my kids that this behaviour is not acceptable to me I am breaking the pattern and stopping it happening to anyone else. They knwo what he has done is wrong and that sanctions are applied to people who are aggressive, hostile, and phyiscaly and mentally abusive. I cna do no more in being a good mum and ensuring they know how to behave towards others in a relationship.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 15:40

I know that it is in the childrens best interests, GF & a large part of the reason I am taking this huge step, is because I know there is a good chance that my boys could be affected by H's temper & I would hate for them to grow up thinking this was normal.

H mentioned the fact that I was soon breaking up for summer & how it is alright for some, this morning.
I told him that I was hardly looking forward to it & to this he said "Well - you decided you didn't want to be with me anymore!"
He has calmed the nasty side down & gone back to the guilt tripping!

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 12/07/2006 15:58

Typical! He will keep this up until he goes.

I have to say I know what my solicitor would advise here but he is a tough rotweiller and not to everyones taste or needs! He would say pack his things change the locks and sit back! He does have rights under the law but woudl be hard pushed to get them put into practice. I never needed to do this by the way but I did pack all X s stuff and give it to him at the door which is when he shoved me about and I called the police for the first time.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 16:13

Thing is - he is not being violent to me or the children, & I think they only advise taking drastic steps if that is the case.

His friend is due home on Sunday, so I guess I should wait & see what happens. I have a bad feeling about it all though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 18:52

Was this the first time that your ex was physically violent to you, GF?

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 12/07/2006 21:24

How is ds2 today?

Perhaps you need to have a word with h before Sunday and ask what his plans are if this friend can't let him stay there after all. He needs to know that you are onto the fact that he is messing you around and that you expect him out before the holidays. He needs a contingency plan, fast.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 21:34

DS2 is a lot better today, CQ. He is still not 100%, but compared to how he was yesterday, he is lots better.

I will be having words with H about when exactually he intends to make the move.
He is not in from work yet, but I have been thnking things through a lot today & am wondering if the reason he is delaying the move, telling his Mum & seeing a solicitor until the last minute, is because he is hoping I will change my mind.

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/07/2006 21:36

Probably not. He's delaying everything so he can spin it all out. If he doesn't see a solicitor, he has to wait until yours writes to him. Then he can delay replying as he has to get a solicitor organised. He is just spinning everything out, moving in with his friend, seeing a solicitor, doing his washing, etc. (I hope you're not doing that for him - and have you cancelled Sky yet??).

I will lay a bet that, when his friend gets back from holiday, there will be another reason why he can't move in with him - and I'll bet he knows that already.

gothicmama · 12/07/2006 21:45

LW you may need to act for him, by asking him to leave by such a such date

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 21:47

I have a horribly strong feeling that you could be right, Freckle.
He is stringing things along. He has organised a solicitor for the house sale, but not for the divorce.
Have not washed his clothes or ironed them for a little while now. Infact HE even did a load of ironing the other day!
We still have sky. He pays for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 21:48

We have seperate accounts & he has told me that this will cause problems.

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/07/2006 21:48

What is happening on the house sale front? I hope you will not agree to any sale or let him instruct a solicitor for this until you have sorted out your finances within any divorce proceedings.

Freckle · 12/07/2006 21:49

What do you mean by separate accounts?

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 21:51

Have had no feedback from viewers & all has gone quite quiet for now.
I would never agree to sell the house at this very moment in time, as I am still unsure what the hell is going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 21:52

He has always wanted us to have our own bank accounts. We do not have ANY joint accounts.

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/07/2006 21:53

So why would separate accounts cause any problems?

glitterfairy · 12/07/2006 21:54

Quickly to ansewr LW my X used to throw things at me alot and once in front of Beety a pint of beer for laughing at him. He also did other things which I will not say here. He used to push me sometimes but the September thing was the first time it got really frightening. Before that though he did hit my ds around the head and pulled him round the house by the ear so as my womens aid counsellor says I lived in fear of something for 17 years.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 21:56

He says it will, because he pays the mortgage & the majority of the bills. I only pay council tax & water rates with my money.
We do not have 1 joint account & he says that it will now cause problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 21:57

OMG, how horrible, GF!

OP posts:
Freckle · 12/07/2006 21:59

Oh just stop listening to him. He doesn't know what he's talking about. In fact most couples when they split, the first thing they do is get separate accounts. You're actually one step ahead!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 22:05

That has put my mind at rest a bit, Freckle! I feel very out of my depth with a lot of the legal side of things still.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 12/07/2006 22:11

don't listen to him you contribute in other ways

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 22:16

He certainly doesn't know it all, as he thinks he does!
He assumes I will have to rent, which seems not to be the case & he also seems to think that the courts will not consider his overtime - which also doesn't seem to be the case, from what the solicitor told me.

OP posts: