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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset again by Dad's comments regarding our seperation.

196 replies

Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 14:49

Have spoken to my sister this weekend & she told me that she got herself into an argument with Dad over my situation.
She told me that Dad told her that she must not fall pray to any of this nonsence.
My sister told him that she would support me, as I was her sister & she had heard how he had threatened me.
My Dad said "Yes I did & I stand by what I said. I do not regret a word of it."
My sister told him that H has a very bad temper & that he does not know what goes on behind closed doors.
His response to this was "She is a liar & a drama queen and that girl is enough to bring out the temper in anyone!"
He said that members of our family do not give up on marriages & if my sister did what I am doing, she would get the same response.

This has all really upset me again. It looks like he really will reject me for going through with the seperation & I just don't know how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:

Freckle · 12/07/2006 22:16

It's not really a legal thing; more practical. If you are separating, would you want to put money into a joint account knowing that your soon-to-be ex spouse could take all the money out??

Freckle · 12/07/2006 22:18

The courts will only ignore overtime if it is a sporadic event. If his wage slips for the past 3 years show that he does it regularly, then it will be taken into account. If he has only done overtime, say, twice in the past year, it will probably be ignored.

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 12/07/2006 22:54

He NEVER has a flat year & always earns lots of overtime, but he said that it would not be considered, as it could stop due to sickness etc.
The solicitor told me that he was wrong & that his overtime would be taken into account!

OP posts:

Freckle · 13/07/2006 07:04

Well sickness can affect any income, not just overtime. The courts won't ignore regular income just on the off-chance he might be sick once in a blue moon.

Freckle · 13/07/2006 07:05

I should add that you clearly have to stop listening to anything he says. He mainly talks out of his *rse and is saying anything he can to unsettle you and make you think twice about your decision. So whenever he says anything like this, just nod and say "Yes, dear. Whatever you say, dear."

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 13/07/2006 07:49

I try my best to ignore him, Freckle.
I told him the the other night, that I knew he was totally wrong about certain things, because I have been told differently by a solicitor & that I felt it was about time he went to see one himself.
This is when he told me that he would see one, but not until the house sells. This is provided I don't try to stop the sale.

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 13/07/2006 07:50

Perfect advice as ever Freckle!

Freckle · 13/07/2006 09:17

It's easy from the outside. I do appreciate that it's often difficult to see things from a practical perspective when you are in the middle of a nasty situation.

LeahE · 13/07/2006 09:21

Separate accounts might cause problems if you weren't married -- then they would look at where the mortgage payments had actually come from and you could be a bit stuffed. But as you are married and there will be a divorce settlement that doesn't matter (IIRC).

FloatingOnTheMed · 13/07/2006 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spangles · 13/07/2006 16:09

Hi LW Hope your coping with all the agro. Lets hope he does move out this wk end. I know how difficult things must be for you right now and just want to let you know that all this will soon be a distant memory, although it doesnt seem that way now.

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 13/07/2006 16:39

I hope this doesn't drag out for too much longer & that he starts making moves towards moving in with his friend, as soon as the friend returns from his holiday. I am prepared for him to come up with some other reason as to why he cannot, though.
I know that I will be upset when he actually leaves, but at least I will be able to try & move on a bit.
The way we are living atm is just unbearable & has been dragging on for too long now.

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 13/07/2006 19:48

What has happened on the legal front LW since you saw the solicitor?

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 13/07/2006 20:42

Sorry, I have been out on a staff do!
Nothing much has happened on legal front since last week, GF.
I may be sounding stupid again here, but should more have happened??

OP posts:

Tyedye · 13/07/2006 20:51

Message withdrawn

glitterfairy · 13/07/2006 21:15

I would chase up solicitor in a friendly way and say what happens next how are things going? I might ask about next steps etc and when things are going to get moving.

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 13/07/2006 22:03

Will do, GF. It has been a week today since my last solicitor meeting.
Feel so stupid re the whole legal side of all this!
Have started having panic attacks over the last couple of weeks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 13/07/2006 22:15

The fact he is not seeing a solicitor is going to delay things, isn't it?

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 13/07/2006 23:28

Dont see why if you start the ball rolling. As I have said I would get your solicitor to write to him and tell him you no longer want to live with him and would like the house to yourself. You would like to have the name and address of his solicitor so that you can start the legal process of divorce or separation (whatever you think best).

THis does not depend on you reacting to him. You can call the shots here and get the process moving. It took two letters like that to my x and one ultimatum which was you have until 4pm on x date to answer this. In the end you need your solicitor to pull his finger out and start things going.

If you want a divorce get your solicitor to draft the papers now and start things off. He can write to your X and say that you are starting proceedings against him and wish him to leave the house but that may be too antagonistic.

Your solicitor needs to keep you informed. Have you had a client care letter from him explaining the terms of your relationship yet adn setting out his potential fees?

Ring him tomorrow as you need the situation resolving and dragging it on is making you ill.

singledadofthree · 13/07/2006 23:38

agree with glitterfairy - altho it would move quicker if you both worked on it, you can still force things along by having your sol give deadlines for responses. if he gets awkward then just make sure you tell sol everything you think is relevant.
it is scarey i know, but good legal advice can speed things along, make sure your sol is keen to do lots of work on your behalf and not just sit around. you can get other help as you'll know from CAB and even get a book or two on the subject to fill in the time. havent read any of your advisors comments but expect you'll get loads of help on here.
the thing is get it clear in your mind what you want from it all and stay focused on it. dont look at all the probs you'll come up against at once - just deal with each bit as it happens and be well prepared - guess youre already thinking of all the tricks your h might pull so keep a clear head.
and sure you'll come out of it all a lot happier and secure than you'll imagine now.

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 14/07/2006 07:37

Thank you both for your advice. I will get back onto solicitor.
I haven't received a client care letter yet, but maybe I will do next time I see him. My last session was a cheap session, so I guess you just get thrown the facts for that.
I am finding it all very scary tbh. I am even a bit scared that divorcing on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, is going to make him really mad.
I will go along with whatever I am advised though.

Got my HV coming round to see me after work.

OP posts:

Freckle · 14/07/2006 07:46

If your last appointment was just an initial interview, it may be that the solicitor doesn't think you have instructed him formally. I think you need to contact him again, explain that you have decided to proceed with the divorce and ask for another appointment to discuss the procedure. At that point, the question of how the process is going to be funded will be discussed.

glitterfairy · 14/07/2006 08:04

Lw judging by what you have said about this man on this board this will not be easy and he will get mad whatever you do. I think you have to stop worrying about his reaction (so much easier said than done I know) and concentrate on getting to a safe place in your life free from abuse and trauma.

Women who are in an abusive relationship do tend to worry about the effect their actions haev that is how they are conditioned and it is really really hard to stop doing that but my advice FWIW is to think about you adn the kids and to stop concerning yourself with him. Make a list of what you want and I mean you want and then work towards it piece by piece step by step.

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 14/07/2006 14:21

Thanks, I will contact solicitors again.
H has been going on about dropping the price of the house again. I told him I din't think that it was a good idea, as it has not been on the market for long & we have had quite a few viewers.
He said he just wants it sold & will give it a couple of weeks & then will drop the price.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemmingswife · 14/07/2006 14:26

Can he just do this without my permission.

OP posts:

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