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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset again by Dad's comments regarding our seperation.

196 replies

Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 14:49

Have spoken to my sister this weekend & she told me that she got herself into an argument with Dad over my situation.
She told me that Dad told her that she must not fall pray to any of this nonsence.
My sister told him that she would support me, as I was her sister & she had heard how he had threatened me.
My Dad said "Yes I did & I stand by what I said. I do not regret a word of it."
My sister told him that H has a very bad temper & that he does not know what goes on behind closed doors.
His response to this was "She is a liar & a drama queen and that girl is enough to bring out the temper in anyone!"
He said that members of our family do not give up on marriages & if my sister did what I am doing, she would get the same response.

This has all really upset me again. It looks like he really will reject me for going through with the seperation & I just don't know how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 16:06

I do try to ignore when I can, but sometimes it gets a bit much & I get myself upset.
This w/e has not been one of my better ones. I went to see my sister last night & found it a little upsetting, as it was the first time I have been to stay with her since the decision to seperate & all other times I have gone along with H, so it kind of got me a little sad, especially as BIL looked all lost without his playstation buddy & kept saying little things.
Had a big talk with the both of them, as to why I have made the decision that I have & ended up getting a bit tearful.
Then heard about the argument between my Dad & my sister and feel very horrible.
Had to be back before lunchtime today, so that H could get to the pub by noon.
Have my Nan in hospital after a fall too.
Just feeling a bit upset about everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 16:23

I will not let them bully me into staying though. I know I am doing the right thing. I am just feeling all wobbly & scared about the coming months.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 09/07/2006 16:28

Lw it is ok to feel upset. It is a really horrible feeling going to places where you once went as a couple and missing that sense of "us". I got it at a party which I knew the X would have enjoyed seeing his kids having fun but then I thought he is missing out on this because he is a bully and an abuser.

In the end it will really hurt for a while. I am 9 months down the line now and it still hurts but not quite as much and not nearly as often. Part of the relationship between an abuser and his abusee (loathe the word victim!) is the dependency they build up and it is really hard to shake it off. It doesnt matter that you are better off without him you miss him and really that is ok. Every now and then I have a bit of a wallow and then feel a bit better!

Shibori · 09/07/2006 16:29

God LW.how horrible.

Shibori · 09/07/2006 16:32

Classic abuser crap-turning the blame on the victim,your pa is a bully too honey,you will find the strength to fend all this crap off,do you have any brothers?

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 16:33

No I don't have any brothers, just the one sister.

OP posts:
Shibori · 09/07/2006 16:43

Given the patterns in my family,going back to my grandfather-it would have been interesting had you had a brother-he would no doubt have been idealised?sweeping generalisation perhaps but i have seen it so MANY times!what it boils down to is the p- word again,PATRIARCHY.
the little woman must never rock the boat hun-were so naughty arent wex

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 17:05

My parents didn't want a son apparantly, they only wanted daughters.

OP posts:
spangles · 09/07/2006 17:13

When your dad realises that you will not be made to stay in an un-happy marriage he will come round... this may take some time but he will. My dad didnt speak to me for 6 years but he backed down eventually (he is a stubborn git) He now chooses his words very carefully where I am concerned.. and I like to think he has some respect for me whereas before I dont think he did. If he doesnt come round he will lose a daughter and 2 Grandsons and no parent in their right mind would want that, so even if he does walk away from you my guess is that it wont be for too long. You are doing the right thing LW.. dont be bullied into staying miserable. xxx

vitomum · 09/07/2006 17:21

your dad is an abusive bully himslef so it stands to reason that he will take the side of the other abusive bully in this situation - your H. It must still be very hard for you though but you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 17:58

I know that I am doing the right thing. I am feeling very scared & sad about things right at this moment though.
I have times of feeling so on my own.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 09/07/2006 18:01

you are not on your own you have MN and your sis. stay strong you are doing the right thing for you and yes it is scary it is sad as well but it willget better I promise

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 18:05

I know I do. Thank goodness for MN! It has been a complete lifeline for me recently & saved me from completely breaking down!

OP posts:
vitomum · 09/07/2006 18:06

LW, i don't have any words of wisdom and i know you understand the situation better than anyone and what you have to do to move on. It is another blow that you are not getting the support you deserve from your mum and dad and that must hurt like hell. It is so unfair and i am very with them on your behalf.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 18:15

It does hurt a lot, vitomum.
My sister has just text me to say that Dad was on the phone to BIL trying to get them to go over for a BBQ & how she doesn't want to go.
They haven't & will not phone me. Not that I would want to go, as around my parents is the last place on earth I want to be atm, but it kind of shows how little they want to do with me right now.
H is still not home from the pub. He has been there from 11.45am!
My sister thinks he was out of order demanding I get back before noon & threatening to take children into pub if not.
He is being a bit of an arse atm & parents are being arses too.

OP posts:
Freckle · 09/07/2006 18:21

Have only read the OP, but blimey, he's a bl**dy sod, isn't he, your dad?

You've always known that he doesn't approve of what you are doing - probably because he's afraid your mum might wise up to what she's been accepting all these years and decide to do something about it.

Please don't let his reaction persuade you that you are doing the wrong thing. Your sister is an absolute star for continuing to stick up for you. Hopefully if she continues to state your case, your dad might eventually accept that you are doing the right thing - although I wouldn't hold my breath on that one.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 18:28

I certainly will not hold my breath about him ever thinking I am doing the right thing, Freckle - that will NEVER happen!
I will not let his reaction convince me that I am doing the wrong thing, because I know I am doing the right thing here. I will not let him bully me into doing as I am told by him. I am an adult now & he cannot do that anymore!
Just feeling a bit upset by it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 18:30

My sister said that she couldn't get a word in, as he kept shouting her down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 19:42

Everything is hitting me hard tonight & I don't feel like I am coping well.

OP posts:
vitomum · 09/07/2006 19:54

i don't know everything that has been going on for you lately LW but am i right in thinking that you find the whole seperation process particularly difficult on the days when your hear these sorts of comments from your dad? Parental approval is so important to self esteen isn't it - even when it is obvious that the parents in question are manipulative and abusive. Your dad does not deserve the title father as his behaviour is frankly disgusting and again at him

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 21:40

It is very difficult when I hear these hurtful comments from Dad.
Feeling very cut up about everything tonight tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 21:45

H is still bitter about everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 09/07/2006 21:49

Wish he would just go & get it over with

OP posts:
vitomum · 09/07/2006 21:50

do you have a date for H moving out yet?

Toothache · 09/07/2006 21:51

Lemmingswife - I think you and I have the same Dad!!! [angy]