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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

202 replies

SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 19:54

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug Sad. This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult Sad.

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:10

Any one? Sad

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/11/2013 20:12

Try harder.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/11/2013 20:15

OK... when you say to someone 'I don't love you any more', that's a bridge-burning statement. As you've realised you can't say it, leave it hanging in the air and expect nothing to change. You therefore have to have a plan of action for what happens next. Do you want a divorce? Do you want to move out? Are you saying it because you want to make things work better?

There's no good way of doing it either. Just try to be humane. You've been thinking about this for a while and, even though your relationship isn't great, this will be a nasty shock for him

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:15

Um... thanks for that Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:17

Thanks cogito. That's it exactly, I know me saying that is gonna be huge and horrible. I honestly don't think I can get the love back, my wish is to separate. I just know that it's gonna kill him Sad

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 04/11/2013 20:18

What are you hoping to achieve?

Do you want to split up? Wouldn't it be better to say, "we need to split."

If you don't want to split, it might be better to say, "we need to change."

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 20:19

Please be 110% sure that you want to separate permanently before you tell him this.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 04/11/2013 20:19

You've felt this way for about a year? Did something trigger it? Depression? Bad behavior? Big life changes or something?

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:20

thisis I've said it so many different ways in my head and they all just sound awful. I think me saying 'we need to split' may be worse as I just don't think he will be expecting it. I'm being so cowardly I know, this is just one of the hardest things I've had to do

OP posts:
Fridayschild · 04/11/2013 20:20

Tell him you know things aren't right between you and suggest counselling to talk things through. If you separate it should help you split on good terms, which will be hugely important to your DCs.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/11/2013 20:21

Blimey Bonsoir that was harsh even for you!

OP - can you look at it from this perspective? Your DH deserves to be in a relationship where he is loved passionately as well as respected as a good man and a father. If you can no longer do that, and you don't see it coming back again then you have to tell him so that he has a chance to find that with someone else.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 20:22

I don't think you should string him along or give him any hope if you are adamant it is over.

ALittleStranger · 04/11/2013 20:22

Why did you marry him? (Given that marriage entails trying to make it work through the slumps as well as the highs)

And why are you set on seperating, not trying to make it work? Have you done anything to try and stop the rot over the past couple of years?

emblosion · 04/11/2013 20:22

What cogito said ^

You need to work out what you want to change. If the marriage is over in your mind, you owe it to him to be honest. I do wonder if you could have an honest talk with him about not being happy you might be able to work on things together?

Things have to be out in the open for you to do that though.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/11/2013 20:22

Yes what triggered this? Is there someone else?

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:24

thisis No, I don't think anything changed, I think we're just different people now. I married young and think maybe I didn't know back then what I wanted for the rest of my life.

mist I think that's what keeps stopping me, I guess I'm 95% sure.

fridays we have been to counselling before, almost 5 years ago and managed to get back to a good place. But, I didn't feel this way back then. Also, I'm not sure we got it quite back to what it was before.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:25

Definitely no one else

OP posts:
emblosion · 04/11/2013 20:25

Ah, cross posted. Agree that if your mind is made up don't give him false hope. Tell him things havent been right between you and you want to separate.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 20:26

what is the 5% of sureness that is missing ?

ALittleStranger · 04/11/2013 20:26

Ah I see. I remain convinced the age of consent for marriage needs to be raised ten years.

Bogeyface · 04/11/2013 20:27

I had this conversation with my friend not long ago. I asked her how she would feel if he told her he didnt love her anymore and wanted to split up and she admitted that she would be gutted. She said that the thought of him being "loved passionately" (to quote Ali) by someone else made her feel sick.

She realised that it wasnt him that she didnt love, but their life, the rut they were in, the way her life had no excitement anymore. She was fed up and wanted something exciting.

Its slow going but things are improving since she realised this. She has decided to have an affair.....with her own husband! They have had secret afternoons where they have taken time off work, kept the kids in childcare and gone out just to two of them or spent the afternoon in bed! Its really reminded her what it was like pre kids, when they first fell in love and more importantly why they first fell in love.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:27

The realisation that he deserves more than what I can give him is what has spurred me on to admitting it to myself now. I just wish I could admit it to him.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/11/2013 20:28

Ok well if you've been down the counselling route before then it is unlikely to magically solve things this time around.

You just need to 'screw your courage to the sticking place' and tell him.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff · 04/11/2013 20:30

I have done this. It sucks, and he was very hurt. It has been a year now, although we did try again for two months in June/July - then parted again. We are living near one another and good friends, able to hang out with the kids and stuff. But I suspect he believes we will get back together, and I know he is sad.

I love him as a friend, but I don't fancy him and he drives me slightly crazy! But all my friends do, and I suspect I do them! Maybe he is right and he is the one for me, I just want to be on my own rather than in a bad relationship. I'm happier this way. It is shit that one of us gets to be happy and the other sad, but I was nigh n depression in that relationship towards the end, so something had to change.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/11/2013 20:32

Bogey that is a lovely story, good luck to your friend Smile

OP I do sympathise, DH and I got in an awful rut before and immediately after DS 2 was born. I wondered whether we would make it, and really didn't feel the same about him as I had.
We have managed to keep talking though, and while sex is thin on the ground - largely due to small children not sleeping - we are once again very much in love.