How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

[SoDesperatelySorry]

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug . This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult .

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

Hi So, deep down you know something is over – your current relationship with your DH – and from what you’ve told us, that might not be such a bad thing. But it might be possible to have a new relationship with each other, one in which the needs of both of you are being met. Bad sex is terrible, worse than no sex in many ways, but it can definitely get better. It is sex, after all. These two issues – your relationship and your sex life – are obviously connected, and therapy can help with both of them. It has done for many people, but you need to go in good faith and with an open mind. Keeping your options open is good!

Tell your best friend if you trust her completely, but be careful as her own biases and experiences could cloud her judgement. Like us internet strangers, she’s not trained to deal with this and you should be cautious of any advice given. But if she truly cares about you then it’s probably a good idea. Just try to be fair and balanced and not make your DH sound like the baddy in all this as he’s not there to defend himself. And be aware that it will have an affect on his friendship with her in the future, if that’s of any consideration. Hope the weekend goes well – I’m sure it will as you both sound like lovely people who want the best for your family.

I think as you have thought about all the scenarios as in, co-parenting and being on your own, I would say you have checked out and are ready to separate.

Children tend to be resilient little things and will learn that Daddy doesn't live with you anymore and that they see him on x days and at x times.

They (and he) have probably noticed that you're not yourself and will probably be relieved when you have told him your feelings and you can start the process of going forward.

Good luck OP and hope things work out, I think at times like this you have to be a bit selfish, you only live once and have to make hard decisions sometimes, it really sounds like you have thought it through and this isn't a knee jerk reaction to something.

I think you have done a lot of thinking and soul searching and you are not rushing, well done.

I suppose in my case it was when the tough stuff happened and he chose to leave me deal with it, that was a trigger for me. I needed him to be stronger, for us to be a team, facing whatever life threw at us and I could not see that happening. That's what my dad meant, yes we had tackled a lot together but ultimately, I could not see us as a unit going forward once kids has grown up and life wasn't so stressful - or even more stressful.

Please do talk in RL but be careful not to be overly influenced or that he finds out. My ex feels he was the last to know despite me begging him to address our problems for years before we split. He simply didn't want to hear it.

For what it's worth, after a tough few years -and he still doesn't fully understand where it all went wrong, depote the endless conversations and third party mediation and counselling - I can say that we are friends and I am so glad that our daughter will grow up knowing that both of us are there for her, without question.

This took a lot of biting my tongue as he knows exactly what buttons to push to hurt me but I understand he was lashing out at the loss of control and feeling helpless. I hate that I was responsible for that but know it was the right decision.

Good luck x

Also, you need to be prepared for your h not agreeing with your plans re. the children. You say they would definitely live with you, but he may not agree. I know judges these days prefer 50/50 and he may well want to go for that. I know I would if I were him, I would not be happy with being relegated to weekend parent because my partner had checked out of the marriage. Your children might have opinions on it too, especially as they get older.

OP, the thing that confuses me is that you say you love him, but are not "in love" with him.

What, in your mind, is the difference?

I think the idea that one has to be "in love" with one's partner all the time is ….a bit girlish, unrealistic even?

Another thing that worries me is the rose tinted view about how your new life will be. The children are young and will want to know why you left H. They will also be unsettled, may fight more, or feel it's their fault. Your friends may side with your H. Your family may too. All this is NOT a reason to stay in an awful marriage, but is it really that awful?

IMO, it is normal for marriages/long relationships to go through a phase where you are not even sure you like your partner, let alone love, let alone be "in love". This then shakes you into action: something in your life needs to change. You then make the change. The love comes back (often).

If you are friends, and you love him….are you really sure you want to do this?

In your shoes, I would not go straight into the "I don't love you and want to leave" conversation.

Instead, i would choose a good time to have a serious chat, saying you are not happy with your life. Be open and honest. I think you can even say you don't even know if you still love him. I have had chats with DH before, we have been through some shit together, and I have thought of leaving but there was always something pulling me back. A big part of that "something" was the fact that we are best friends, and that we had something to fight for (our family and "us" and maybe, deep down, we both believe the only person in the world to really "get" us is hims and me.). We have had to both acknowledge we needed to do something though, your H has to be on board too.

Don't make the mistake of thinking other people's marriages are all plain sailing with non-stop passion and love.

I always think that if you are friends and love eachother, you should be able to make the marriage work again.

maybe not what you want to hear? feel free to ignore just my tuppence worth.

What FiscalCliff said. The 'not in love with him any more' jumped right out at me reading your OP. What does that mean, 'in love'? Especially in a long marriage?
Bonsoir's post was harsh, but not completely and utterly off the money.
Also agree with FruitSalad's and FairPhyllis' posts, and very much second the suggestion of counselling just for you before you take this step.

When I had a similarly big decision to make - not in the arena of my marriage - it was absolutely, perfectly obvious what was to do. I don't hear that same level of certainty in you. Plus there is your dh to consider in all this.

Well, my wonderful best friend came over last night and it was a relief to have said the words out loud to someone. ImA - are you sure you're not my BF, pretty much everything you are saying is what I heard from her last night?!

To those mentioning child contact - I have said before that my DH's job will mean that 50:50 will be nigh on impossible, the DC's ages also play a factor in this. I have thought about what arrangements we can make and think we can manage around a 60:40 split which will work well. I am sure this will change as they get older to make more of an equal split. Unless I am mistaken, I can not see a reason for us to go to court over this. If he can alter his work arrangements to have the DC 50% of the time, I would never dream of doing anything to stand in the way of this. I want the DC to see their dad as much as possible (not relegate him to weekend dad) and I fully intend to co-parent.

fiscal I am aware that not everything in a marriage is a bed of roses all the time, believe me I do know that. And I know that friendship goes a hell of a long way in a marriage too. But I no longer want to be married to my friend. I love him, of course I do but not the way I should. You see, the things we have gone through together and the highs and lows we have shared can not be erased (I am not about to try to rewrite history) so we will always have that love between us, the one that used to exist. But just because we have been their for each other all through this does not mean that I should stay married to a man I am not in love with. I don't know if I am explaining myself very well, it is hard to do that on screen to anonymous people. However, I am not being girlish or unrealistic about this, if I was I wouldn't have lasted in the marriage this long. I believe it is taking maturity on my part now to know when the fight is over.

I have thought about what arrangements we can make and think we can manage around a 60:40 split which will work well. I am sure this will change as they get older to make more of an equal split. Unless I am mistaken, I can not see a reason for us to go to court over this. If he can alter his work arrangements to have the DC 50% of the time, I would never dream of doing anything to stand in the way of this. I want the DC to see their dad as much as possible (not relegate him to weekend dad) and I fully intend to co-parent.

I
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What about him?

Just because you think that this is reasonable and what should and could happen, doesnt mean it will. Hurt people can lash out and you should be prepared for that. You may see no reason to go to court, but as I said above, once you have split that is not your decision to make anymore. He may want to get it sorted in court, he may want to change his working hours so he sees more of them, he may want them to live with him. Just because you want something doesnt mean he will agree, no matter how reasonable you believe you are being.

I should add that you run the risk of alienating him with your fait accompli. He will be reeling from what you are telling him and will say at some point "What about the kids?" and you will deal him another body blow with your plan. That is when he is most likely to kick off and say "Hang on, dont I get a say in this? I am not doing X Y Z just because you say so!"

In an ideal world every divorce would be amicable, but that will never happen because human nature being what it is means that we kick out when we are hurt or frightened. You need to be prepared for the fact that the man you know and trust now is a man secure in his family and marriage. Take that security away and you will be dealing with a side of him that you have never seen and dont know.

I'm definitely not your BF OP just replying to what you have said and giving my opinion...

Bogey sometimes people have to be selfish if they're not happy, I think the OP has made up her mind and thought it through, it's how to tell her DH this...

Dear So, I’m glad that you were able to get all this off your chest to your BF and that it made you feel better, but please remember she’s not an expert on relationships (I’m guessing) and she might have thought she was being supportive by telling you what you wanted to hear. If she told you it was OK to be selfish then she was dead wrong, especially about something as important as this, and this might be what you'll regret the most.

You say the fight to save your marriage is over, but how can it be when you haven’t even discussed it with your DH? As Bogie says, this is a fait accompli, and he will resent you for this, as will your DCs if they ever find out. And it certainly isn’t mature to throw away something this important without properly trying to fix it. Only when you and your DH have done everything you can together to make it work and it’s still not working is the fight over – to me it sounds like it hasn’t even started.

Bogey sometimes people have to be selfish if they're not happy

I couldnt disagree more.

The OP is talking about a whole family here, a man's life being changed over night, their childrens lives being changed over night.

If ever there is a time to not be selfish it is now! If she wants to leave her marriage then thats her decision to make, but at no point should she be selfish.

All she gets to say is "I dont want to be in this marriage anymore" , that is the only decision she gets to make unilaterally, and even then I think that counselling and discussion should be part of it. But everything that comes after, the kids, the house, finances etc should all come under "to be discussed".

Stale I think that the OP doesnt want to save her marriage, which is why she isnt giving her DH the chance to try :(

Bogey, it sounds like that to me too

If your reasons for leaving sound thin to us, how are they going to sound to your children? There's no guarantee that your husband will go along with a script that it was a mutual decision. What if he tells them he wanted to stay together? Will you tell them you loved him but weren't 'in love'? Because I can't see them being very impressed, quite frankly, especially as they hit the teen years. You could be in line for some serious resentment, are you ready for that?

I have to say, if a woman posted in relationships that her husband had just announced he didn't love her any more and was leaving with the kids, no one would be defending him. Everyone would also say he is having a affair/had his eye on someone else, which isn't the case here, but still...

bogey It's not all me me me. But these are obvious considerations I would have thought about. I am sure if I came on here saying I had given no thought to the kids in all this about how me and my DH were going to be able to facilitate contact after separation you would think me completely na?ve. I am not saying that the contact arrangements are all decided, far from it. I was just trying to work out in my head how the DC can see as much of each of us as they can. I will obviously sit down with my DH and we will work it out together. I am not that much of a bitch (although you seem to have decided I am one of those mothers who uses the kids as pawns).

How we tell the DC will be discussed. If he can not bring himself to act as if it is a mutual decision then I will deal with that if it happens. However, I give my DH more credit than that. I know the DC may hate me for it when they are older and that thought horrifies me, but should I seriously stay in a marriage because my DC would prefer it that way (I am sure as teenagers they will find other reasons to hate me anyway). Time and time again, I read on here that people should not stay in marriages when they are not happy, it is not good for the kids or either parent. I am trying to do my best here, that may not be good enough by your standards but it's as much as I can do.

My reasons may sound flimsy to you fruit, but they are just words on a screen to anonymous people. They have no emotion behind them, no history so there are some things you have to take my word for. As for if the roles were reversed and the DW was posting on here, I am not expecting any one to defend me. I have come on here asking for advice and I think I have been taking it all on board.

I thank you all for the help and advice but now is most probably the time to stop talking on here and actually talk to my DH cos I feel the discussions on here are going round in circles.

No matter how "thin" or otherwise OP's reasons for wanting to end her marriage are, no one should be forced to stay in it, nor should people guilt trip her. It sounds to me like she has already had these conversations with herself wrt the children. Generally, the MN Relationships line is tjhat it is not healthy for anyone (including the kids) to stay in a marriage that makes you miserable.

Those saying it sounds like she hasn't even tried a different path, nor given her H a chance are wrong, IMO. They have been to counsellign previously and it hasn't helped. The issues remain, and look pretty final to me.

OP doesn't want to be married to him any more. Bottom line.

Cross posted with you, OP. Yes, speak to your H. Update us how it goes (if you wish)

I don't think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. I just think one should exhaust all possible options to fix it before writing off a marriage, when there are children involved.

How far should one go though. OP seems pretty clear she doesn't see a future with her H. If I was in her H's position, I would obviously be hurt and upset but I would not want someone to stay because they a) felt sorry for me or b) for the sake of the kids

Well, that's a how long is a piece of string question. But if my dh, who had previously loved me, and still liked and respected me, wanted to leave for those reasons I would expect at the very least to be given a chance to work together to reignite our relationship. I would also want him to go to counselling on his own to get to the bottom of his feelings.

Of course I wouldn't want him staying long long term purely out of pity or duty, but I do think that in a marriage there are always phases of feeling less love for your partner. Especially when children are involved.

Sorry op, this is becoming a general discussion. I'll shut up now. I hope you can resolve this.

Perhaps it's just me, but at the first sign of ambivalence I would be inviting my H to use the door. We are together because we both want to be and if either of us were having serious doubts I would find it very difficult to come back from that. Imagine having to try and fix something you didn't think was broken in the first place...how can you fundamentally change who you are ? It's an impossible ask and if someone isn't sure they want you as you are then you are up for a lifetime of doubt and insecurity.

No thanks, not for me.

Dear So, just this: If he can not bring himself to act as if it is a mutual decision then I will deal with that if it happens. However, I give my DH more credit than that. Please don't ask him to lie to his children. Good luck to you all.

I am not that much of a bitch (although you seem to have decided I am one of those mothers who uses the kids as pawns).

At no point did I say or even intimate that, I do not think that you are doing that at all.

If he can not bring himself to act as if it is a mutual decision then I will deal with that if it happens.

thats a hell of a thing to ask of him. Cruel and heartless. Why on earth should he lie so that you dont look like the bad guy? It isnt a mutual decision and the fact that you would hope he would pretend it is is the only thing you have posted that really makes me think badly of you.

I am trying to do my best here, that may not be good enough by your standards but it's as much as I can do.

This isnt about me and my standards, and again I have at no point mentioned them.

What I have said is that I been where you are now, I have gone down the road you are aiming for and it is no way as easy as I thought it would be, or as you seem to think it will be. Saying "I know it will be hard" in now way prepares you, trust me. Unless your DH is the one perfect person in the human race, it will be far harder than you think. I dont want you to go into this without your eyes being wide open to the possibilities of what could happen.

My ex is a good man, you couldnt ask for better, but when we split up he was vile for quite some time because he was hurting. It took several years for us to get to a place where we could co-parent without it descending to stupid rows every so often. If you had told me before we split, that that might happen, I wouldnt have believed you, but it did.

When you end your marriage you will be acting in a way he neither wants nor expects. Overnight you will be a different person to him, a person he cant trust, understand and work with, there will be a fundemental change in your relationship that will mean he will never look at you the same way again. You need to expect that same change to happen the other way. His thought processes thus far have been based on being in a happy marriage and family, take that away and you will have a totally different dynamic, one that you cant control and one that could ultimately hurt you far more than it hurts him.

Believe it or not, I am on your side. I dont want to see anyone go through what I did, and worse still, regret it.

I missed that about you having an expectation that your H go along with the byline of "mutual decision". No, that is not fair.

If he suggests something along those lines, fine. But don't expect it of him.