How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

[SoDesperatelySorry]

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug . This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult .

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

You are helping bogey, you're giving me plenty to think about.

Can I ask, when you were where I am now, did you truly believe at the time that you didn't love him any more? Did you still find him attractive?

I'm asking because I really don't want to make a huge mistake that can't be undone. I don't want to do this to me, him or our kids and the find out it was the wrong decision. I know someone who has done that and it kills her that he now has a wife and more children whereas she struggles to meet someone who lives up to her ex. I don't want that at all. But with the same token, I honestly can not see how I can get the love back or how I can be intimate with him again. mist is right when she says the other 5% isn't really about our relationship, it's to do with guilt and also the start of grief, I guess, for the life I am not going to have any more.

I did believe I didnt love him anymore, and our sex life was zero. If he tried to initiate anything intimate I made excuses. But it wasnt about him, I see that now. It was about us. We were in a rut but I was the first to become unhappy at that, give it another couple of years and he would have been too.

He has admitted since that he was happy where he was so didnt make much of an effort when I said I was unhappy. I now realise that if I had said "Right, this has to change" then we could have pulled it back from the brink. But he didnt make the effort and I didnt kick up a stink, we both stayed on our rut but went down different paths.

My grandma said to me "everything worth having takes some work" and she died happily married after 64 years. I dont believe that everyone of those 64 years was happy though.

Ah, now see bogey, you've turned things on their head a bit now. I thought you were gonna come back and say that you still had some feelings for him that you weren't sure of but that it was easier to split, or something like that. I didn't think you were gonna say that you honestly believed you didn't love him any more. Just thinking that it's possible to come back from feeling like this and realising you've made a mistake is scary, cos maybe I'm making a mistake here? Oh god, this is all so hard.
Hope I'm not offending here, but do you maybe think you're looking back with a grass is always greener type of attitude? Like maybe things don't appear now as bad as they did then because you've come out of it the other side and it's not hard any more?

OP -How old are your DC and how are they going to feel about being taken away from their father? (even if you share custody 50/50 their lives will be turned upside down)

You really don't need to tell me that this is going to hurt the children nanny. As I have mentioned already, they are a huge consideration in all of this

Oh dear, I do find phrases like "taken away from their father" to be overly dramatic. They are not being "taken away". He will still be their father. They may even see as much of him as they did before, if the grown ups get it right.

The bloke is working away atm, so they are not seeing him at all now are they ?

un-necessary guilt tripping, IMO

everybody's lives in this situation will be turned upside down, but the kids will adjust bearing in mind that something like like a third of marriages don't make it

nobody is being "taken away" and nobody is dying here

I see what you mean.

I wouldnt get back with him now, we have both moved on. But at the time I wasnt vocal enough and the odd time I did say anything, he was lazy, so I see that we could have made it work with effort.

I do regret not saying "Look, if we dont sort this out then we are done" and he regrets not listening to me when I said that I wasnt happy.

I suppose what I am saying is that he and I fell in love and somewhere along the lines of work, kids, money etc we forgot that and how we had felt about each other. We both walked away rather than trying to find that love again and that is something we both regret.

I know that my grandparents didnt go through 64 years of marriage without times like that and I wish that ex and I had pushed through those times.

Thank you mist, I appreciate the support

See bogey, we've worked through things lots in our 15 year relationship, even been in counselling. But I'm pretty sure we can't come back from this. I wish I had a magic mirror so I could see into the future and know I won't regret what I am going to do!

Bogey is your most appropriate support here, OP. I haven't done what you are contemplating. I don't think you should stay with a man that you feel sorry for though, and I don't think you should stay for the children. If you stay, it should be because you cannot face life without him as he is now.

I meant the support against the 'think of the poor children' post! Bogey is helping here definitely.

I know. I think nanny was trying to help too. At least I hope so.

I think you should be very careful OP. You need to be sure that what you want is a new life in which you aren't married rather than just a new life. What I'm saying is - can you be sure that your marriage is the problem here? And that ending that will help you move positively on-wards?

I've seen a few couples in our circle now, split up and then reunite when they worked out that what they needed was change not separation. Just try to be sure you're directing your energy at the right part of the problem ok? Good Luck.

Thanks NL, I definitely want to make the right decision here and I guess that's why I've not told DH so far as I know it can't be undone when said.

I think I'll go to bed now and try to get some sleep before work tomorrow.
I've got plenty to think about before Friday.

I know. I think nanny was trying to help too. At least I hope so.

I'm certainly not trying to be spiteful or to hurt the OP, just putting another perspective, as I hadn't seen a lot of mention of the children from most replies. And I can see that the OP wants to do the best for all of her family.

However, the children will be 'taken away' in a manner of speaking. My DH worked away to varying degrees, but if we'd split up he would have seen less of the DC and he would not have been as able to be involved in their day-to-day lives. And it would have broken him. So I'm not being 'overly dramatic'. I happen to think it's an important consideration. Whilst I don't think divorce damages children for life it certainly has an impact. And I know this from direct observation. And that also applies in the cases when both partners have gone on to make much, much happier lives for themselves.

I actually think cheesesndpineapple's approach is a good one. It would allow you to say how you're feeling but also allows an opportunity to try to improve things. While there is still a possibility that you might regret things I would proceed with caution and not burn any bridges.

Have you considered that perhaps one of the reasons you are feeling like this is because he has gradually over time disconnected from you emotionally? It is very hard to be in love with and fancy someone who isn't giving anything back. It is entirely possible that he will be relieved that it is you and not him raising the topic. So many men are cowards about stuff like this, and choose to blow a marriage out of the water by having an affair rather than starting difficult conversations about splitting up.

How would you feel if he reacted with relief, and moved on very very quickly seemingly without any regret. Your posts focus on his potential devastation. He might not be devastated at all. You might struggle with that.

Just throwing that one out there, as obviously I have no idea what is going on in your DH's head, but I do think you should be prepared for that outcome. Being the one that got away is mentally easier to deal with than being unwanted.

So you say that you wouldn't want him to move on quickly, but you have to accept that if you end the marriage then he is perfectly at liberty to do so.
You have listed the reasons of his mental health, and the DCs, which are perfectly valid ones, but if there is any part of you that would be upset for yourself to see him move on quickly and be happy in another relationship then I think you need to re-evaluate.

You have also talked about being on your own with the DC - what if your children want to live with their Dad?

I can see how his depression will have contributed to a breakdown of communication and intimacy between you. Is he getting help with that, does he know it causes a problem?

I do think you need to be aware that in six months time, there could be a step-mum on the scene. Some men do move on very quickly.

I'm not saying this should change your mind of course, but it could happen. And it will be painful.

I'm wishing you luck by the way. You haven't done anything wrong.

Hi all, well didn't sleep well last night but work today was a good distraction. Just have enough time to post before the school run.

worse I would actually be relieved he felt the same. I think it would mean we would have a better chance of coming out of this as friends the other side and be able to co-parent really well.

ali The only reason I would be unhappy to see him move on was if it was too quickly and I thought it was damaging to both him and our DC. Apart from that, it does not bother me at all to think of him with somebody else.

The DC will definitely live with me, they are too young to decide for themselves and I have a job that fits around school.

His depression has most probably been a contributing factor in all of this actually. He does know it causes a problem but does have help with it. He will have depression for life but actually at the moment it is pretty stable. We've been through some really tough times with his depression but right now all is well as far as his mental health goes.

thisis Yes, that's something I think I will find hard, the kids having a step mum. A friend of mine who dealt with the breakdown of her marriage a few years ago has dealt with this aspect of it amazingly and I can only hope to be like her - she sees the step mum as another person to love her child, how brilliant is that! Thanks for the luck.

nanny Please don't think the DC aren't my main priority here. They are most probably the reason I have stuck my head in the sand the past few years.

I come from a single parent family myself, so I know just how hard this is going to be for them and that fills me with dread. (As their mother who loves them more than anything, I am meant to protect them from things, not let them get hurt. I hate that the hurt they are going to feel is going to be my doing). My situation as a child was vastly different though as my dad was a twat. My DC are very fortunate to have a dad that loves them very very much, well as much as a dad should, so I am hoping they will not have to feel as much of the pain I did as a child.

I have purposefully not mentioned them too much here as I no longer think they are a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. I think they are the reason I have stayed longer than I should have but actually, I have come to realise that this may be in their best interests in the long run. As long as we manage to do this right that is.

I don't know whether I am being totally unrealistic wishing for such an amicable split though?

Are your children young? Sorry if you've already said. Because if they are, I think you should tread very very carefully - young children can do nasty things to a marriage, and it passes as they grow older and gain independence. Not always of course, and not if two people are basically incompatable, but if you used to love him, and if you still share a similar sort of vision for the future, then I think you could be making a massive mistake.

I can't help but feel desperately sorry for him as well. I know if my dh told me he didn't love me and then took our children away I would be destroyed.

Anyway, on a more practical note, I think you should do anything possible to make your life good within the marriage - career/education/hobbies/friends/whatever, before making a decision to leave it.

I think you may be being a little unrealistic re amicable split. Ex dh and I have a great relationship now- v amicable, nice chats, all new partners happy, friendly, but the 1st yr of the split (I initiated) was horrendous. So amicable is the long term goal but v rarely achievable straight away esp if one partner doesn't want to split.