Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

202 replies

SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 19:54

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug Sad. This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult Sad.

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

OP posts:
stopthebusiwanttogetoff · 04/11/2013 20:32

Alittlestranger - yes it bloody does!

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:34

mist The other 5%? This is down to me not wanting to do this to the DC mostly. But also, DH has depression and I worry how he will cope without me and the kids being there every day. A small bit of it is due to DH having toxic parents. DH has worked hard for the past 4 years to realise and accept the people his DP's are. We both do our best to keep a relationship between them and the DC but they are never allowed to have them alone and we limit contact. I am concerned that in his sadness he will look for comfort in them and will forget everything they have done to him over the years and will allow them too much access to our DC (which, of course, I would be unable to stop as he would be allowed to do what he wants when he has the DC Sad)

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 04/11/2013 20:34

Ali it is slow going, I think she does still miss that heady rush that you get when you first meet someone but not enough to leave the marriage. I do hope it works out for them, they have been together 20 years.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 20:36

A tangled web, as it usually is Sad

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:39

Exactly mist Sad

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 20:47

Love, he is a Grown Man. You cannot stay with him because you feel sorry for him and you cannot stick around simply to protect him.

How do you think he would feel if he knew that's why you were still around ? Patronised ? Mortified ? Insulted ? I would. Anyone would.

Re. your inlaws. If your H is aware of their toxicity, you could make sure he never takes them there or remains supervising at all times. I would hope that is he is a decent bloke (and it sounds like he is) he wouldn't renege on that particular agreement you have.

This needs handling sensitively of course but as a rule, when the dust settles and someone comes to terms with being dumped for all the right reasons, they don't suddenly turn into a different person. If you are truthful, and don't piss him around, that is.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 20:47

if he is a decent bloke

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:53

You're right, I need to give him more credit. As I say, he has worked so hard to escape their mental clutches, I would really hope he wouldn't throw all that hard work away.

I know I am most probably kidding myself, but I want for him to see one day that I am doing this for all the right reasons and be able to forgive me. I would like to be as friendly as we can for the DC's sake, so we can discuss things like his toxic DP's.

Just want to say thanks, all this is helping me get the courage I need

OP posts:
Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 20:54

I just read that last post of mine back to myself and realise it sounds so selfish, it's all me me me. Honestly though, I'm trying to do what's best for both of us.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 04/11/2013 20:56

Well you could use the counselling again entering it with an open mind but allowing it to lead you to splitting up if that is what you ultimately need to happen. Relate spend a lot of time helping people split up, more than keeping people together I think. This would also allow for single sessions and talking about his parents and your DC's relationship and all the other aspects of a break up.

You can't split up with someone who doesn't want to split up without hurting them. Being hurt is part of life for all of us. And picking up the pieces and building something new too.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 20:58

I can honestly say, hand on heart, that if my H wanted to split for the reasons you have posted here (and there were no more revelations) I would not stand in his way and I would try my best to come to an amicable way of parenting with him.

Functioning adults have to accept that you can't make, nor should you try, someone stay with you 1) because they feel sorry for you 2) purely for the kids

Bogeyface · 04/11/2013 21:02

I agree that if you are set on splitting up then counselling would be a good place to start. It will help you do it properly and him deal with it with outside support.

AnandaTimeIn · 04/11/2013 21:03

^Why did you marry him? (Given that marriage entails trying to make it work through the slumps as well as the highs)

And why are you set on seperating, not trying to make it work? Have you done anything to try and stop the rot over the past couple of years?^

Horribly moral and harsh reaction.

Life changes. Relationships change, certainly over all those years with 3 DC as well.

If it doesn't work out in the end, there is no shame.

OP has to be honest, I'm sure he knows there is something going on in their relationship after all these years of being with her.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:04

Let's hope my DH will be as accepting as you then mist Smile

Maybe I should offer to go to counselling, maybe that could help him come through this a bit better?

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 21:08

If you offer counselling, make sure he is clear that it would be to make your parting smoother not as a chance to find a way to stay together.

ALittleStranger · 04/11/2013 21:08

I don't think there is shame Ananda. But I think people get married because they're saying they're prepared to try that little bit harder. Maybe I'm too literal, but I think marriage vows should mean something. If you want to leave when things fade and not work at it then just cohabit and have kids if that's what you want. Maybe if we took the fun out of "weddings" people would assess more carefully whether it was a marriage that they wanted or a long-term partnership.

Anyway, that's my view and a bit off-topic for what the OP needs right now.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 21:09

OP, what would you do if the situation was reversed ?

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:10

Hmm, not sure he would go for it then. I think he may have the opinion of 'well if you want to separate, what's the point of counselling, you're going to leave me anyway'...

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 04/11/2013 21:11

OP if you are adament that you want to seperate than you cannot let him think that counselling is for you to genuinely think through the options. It's not fair to give him false hope.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:12

mist Honestly, that is a hard one to answer..

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 21:14

Why is it hard to answer ?

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:16

Because right now, the coward in me is thinking 'if only he would end it so I wouldn't have to' (I told you it was cowardly) so it's hard for me to think about him breaking my heart as it's just not possible at the moment, iyswim?

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 21:18

Ok then, fair enough. But would you want someone to stay with you because they felt sorry for you and couldn't pluck up the courage to end it ?

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:19

No, I definitely wouldn't. You're right, he deserves to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:20

By the way, thank you ananda

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread