Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

202 replies

SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 19:54

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug Sad. This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult Sad.

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:55

I was initially hoping to be able to wait tip after xmas, but as time has gone I am finding it harder to live as normal day to day

OP posts:
Nagoo · 04/11/2013 21:56

I just started talking. There isn't a plan you can make, there are no right words.

I was scared to saying it, we went to counselling and I couldn't say it, I sat on my feelings for six months or more, I tried harder.

But once I started talking, the relief was incredible. I probably should have said it in the counselling sessions TBH. I think that would have helped him.

You can't make yourself love someone. I did try. I suppose I could have stayed and tried forever. He was happy enough. But the resentment got the better of me and made me a worse person than I should be.

So now we have separated. I was fortunate that I had savings and could get out of the house quite quickly. If you have nowhere to go then it is much harder to do I think.

But once I started talking, no matter how hard it's been and how alone I feel, I feel like I have done the right thing.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:57

mist Honestly? I feel excited at the thought of a life on my own (with my kids though obv!). Does that make me a horrible person?

bogey I know it's a long process, I just thought the first few days away from each other may have helped us both.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 04/11/2013 21:58

I think mist is thinking along the same lines as me.

When I split with my ex I was sad for the life we had both wanted and now wouldnt happen, I was sad for my children. But I wasnt sad for him or me. I knew (and so did he after a period of reflection) that it was the best thing for us and now we are friends and good co parents.

The fact that you are so upset at the thought of his pain makes me wonder if it is him you are no longer in love with, or your life together. If it is your life then you can change that between you.

Please do be sure that you are doing the right thing. "I dont love you anymore" can never be unsaid. How would you feel if he said that to you?

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 21:59

nagoo Thank you for posting, it's good to hear you feel you have done the right thing. Unfortunately, no savings here so not sure how the living arrangements will work initially

OP posts:
Nagoo · 04/11/2013 21:59

You might start by telling him you are unhappy. But he will try to change things to make you happy if he loves you. If you know that it is fundamental, that you know that if you are alone forever you will be better than if you are in that house with him, then you should tell him that you don't love him and want to separate.

All mine wanted was a chance. I didn't want to give it. He's not a bad man at all. But I can't love him like I am supposed to love a husband.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 22:00

No, it doesn't make you a horrible person. It makes you someone who is making the right decision if you feel "excited" at the though of a new life. If you are being realistic, that is.

Bogeyface · 04/11/2013 22:00

So I am not saying this to be horrible (as I say, I have done what you want to do) but, I think that the first few days away would be for your benefit wouldnt they?

At home or away he will still feel those feelings so rather than making decisions for him, allow him to be a party to those decisions.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 22:03

bogey I think I am upset at a few things

  1. I don't want to hurt him, I still love him but I'm not in love with him. and
  2. I feel desperately sad for all 5 of us that we will no longer be able to have the life we dreamed of. For a start, we were going to be emigrating in a couple of years. That obviously can't happen now.

Also, I know it can't be unsaid, so I keep asking myself just how sure I am. But none of the reasons I think of for staying are to do with being in love.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 04/11/2013 22:08

From what you say about relieve and looking forward it does sound like you're not going back.

You just have to steal yourself to say the words, whether that is through counselling or just spills out of you in the middle of a conversation about double glazing.

BillyBanter · 04/11/2013 22:09

*relief not relieve.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 22:10

I think it best you didn't tell him before he went away too. His hurt and anger are something you will have to get through (within reason, of course).

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 22:12

mist I do think I am being realistic. I imagine my life with the same day to day drudgery of school runs, work, housework, money worries etc. I also imagine the loneliness I will feel on my own every night with the DC in bed. I've even thought of when the DC are with their dad, how much I am going to miss them (I've only ever been apart from them for one night) and wondering how I will fill my days. And yet, I still feel my life will be better.

The part that fills me with most dread, is how the DC are going to cope with both initially and in the long run. My middle DC is especially close to his dad and is a very sensitive little guy, it's him I worry about the most. I keep thinking, as a mother should I not put my own happiness aside rather than put it before my DC's?

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 22:14

I believe you that you have thought this through.

cheeseandpineapple · 04/11/2013 22:20

Being in love and loving someone does get grey over the years. It doesn't necessarily signify end of a relationship though.

In any event, sounds like you need to start some sort of discussion with your h. As cogito says to tell someone you don't love them is bridge burning. Maybe ultimately that's what you might need to say if you really truly want out.

When my h and I got together, we had been good friends and he told me that his feelings for me were not entirely platonic. Maybe you need to have the conversation in reverse with your h and say that you feel like your feelings towards him these days are more platonic and you're not sure how to get them back on track or if it's possible and ask him what he thinks. That could be a starting point?

BloodshotDays · 04/11/2013 22:26

Hi OP, would you mind if I offered the husband's perspective on this as my ExW said the same thing to me about 7 months ago now...

I'm not going to say anything to make you feel bad as it's ok if it's what you feel is the right choice for you and your family, but it will hurt him no matter how you say it. The best advice I can offer is just tell him as soon as possible if you can - whether by having your opening words planned or just by blurting it out after the kids have gone to bed. I say this as my Ex spent best part of a week deliberating how to tell me and those four days of near silence from her as she stressed about it and the atmosphere it created were probably as bad as the break-up itself in all honesty. If there's any hint in your actions and demeanor that may make him think something is the matter, then don't drag that uncertainty on any longer than you have to.

Those that have said go down the counselling route I would certainly listen. The hardest thing for many people post-breakup can be the amount of questions they have - and they won't all just come conveniently at once whilst you're still discussing everything - and perhaps it's better for you to go through those in a controlled environment rather than it being strung out whenever his emotions take hold.

Also, you'll need to be patient. This will be hard for both of you, and you already feel bad. You can try and guess how he will react as you know him so well, but when people are hurt they can surprise.. From personal experience, at my worst I was embarrassing and undignified post break-up, from desperate begging to sickening over-sincerity. And it still hurts 7 months on even though I've generally accepted the way things have turned out. But as long as you both give yourself time and space to heal I'm sure you can remain friends in the long-run, which would of course be best for your DCs.

Otherwise, I'm sorry this is quite a long comment and clearly I'm no relationship expert or I wouldn't be separated myself, but I hope there is something in what I've written that can be of use to you. All the best to both you and your H OP, and I hope things work themselves out in the future.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 22:31

Thank you blood, it's useful hearing the DH's perspective, gives me more to think about. You are right that I need to do this sooner rather than later, I don't think I've been fun to live with for the past few days and I'm sure he knows something is wrong.

OP posts:
BloodshotDays · 04/11/2013 22:31

Those that have said go down the counselling route I would certainly listen to

(Sorry, typing on phone!)

catkin14 · 04/11/2013 22:31

I left my OH earlier this year. I too got married too young and too quickly after we had met. Big mistake, but I was too young to know this. We lasted 26 years though, on and off.
He was not as nice as your OH sounds, EA, selfish and critical.
However I thought me and DC's were his life and was petrified of telling him that I didnt want to go on with our marriage.
Its true, he was devastated, threatened suicide etc. For 5 weeks.
Then he totally recovered by finding a new partner, and he hasnt looked back!
So will you be ok if that happens? Will you mind if he moves on that quickly?
But like others have said, once it you have told him, it cant be unsaid.
And it is then that it all begins, not ends.
I hope it goes well for you. Its not easy but then living a life of lies isnt either.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 22:34

BSD, that is a terrifically helpful post

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 22:37

I truly want him to find someone else who will make him happy, cos I don't think we make each other as happy as we could any more. But I wouldn't want him to move on so quickly to be honest. I feel that, coupled with his depression, he would not be in the best head space to enter a new relationship and I feel that could be damaging to the DC in the long run.

OP posts:
BloodshotDays · 04/11/2013 22:43

Happy to have helped a bit at least - if you don't mind me saying, it's been good for me to see the other side of the story also from you OP, your post struck a chord as having some similarities with me and my Ex's situation at the time.

It's really good that you've thought hard about this though as others have pointed out. I do just think patience is the buzz-word if you do break-up. Neither of you want to do or say anything you may regret later on whilst emotions are fragile - you need to look after yourself too as like you say, you'll also be feeling lonely and although you may be relieved and happier for it, no-one ever plans to break up with their partner so it will be a big adjustment for yourself too.

But it is good for your DCs that you appear to at least have a platform where you will both be amicable and at least both put them first once things have settled down.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 22:49

Glad we could help each other!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 04/11/2013 23:05

So

I am asking these questions because 8 years ago I could have written what you have written word for word. I did leave him, he was heartbroken and it was horrible. Then I realised that I had made a terrible mistake. But by the time I realised it, it was too late.

I know that if I had weathered the storm then we may still have split anyway, but I also know that I didnt try hard enough. I see him a lot, we chat, we are good co parents, but I miss him. I am projecting so I apologise for that, but I would hate for you to look back in the way I have and think "It wasnt that bad was it? With a bit of effort, we could have made it ".

Sorry, I will leave this thread now, as I am certain I am not helping! I would just say, be 100% sure not 95%.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 23:09

I think you are helping, BF. I am sure OP has asked herself all these questions too.

The "5%" she refers to though seems to be purely guilt about her children, not some ambivalence about whether or not she could make this relationship work or not.