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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

202 replies

SoDesperatelySorry · 04/11/2013 19:54

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug Sad. This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult Sad.

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/11/2013 15:56

The only reason I would be unhappy to see him move on was if it was too quickly and I thought it was damaging to both him and our DC.

But who are you to say how quick is too quick? The second you leave is the second it becomes none of your business.

And the children wont live with you, most courts now award a 50/50 split.

You seem to have this vision in your head of how your future will be and assume that everything will be exactly how you want it to be. I am afraid you are in a for a very big shock.

DownstairsMixUp · 05/11/2013 15:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LEMisafucker · 05/11/2013 15:59

Please ignore my posts - i missed that you had had counselling together, so you HAVE tried, I'll ask for them to be deleted.

maypoledancer · 05/11/2013 16:01

LEM didn't you apologise just a couple of days ago for not reading a whole thread before tapping out a knee jerk response?

Just saying...

LEMisafucker · 05/11/2013 16:02

I am a twat, i feel bad, i did read the thread, but only skimmed - sorry OP, I hope things work out for you both x

LEMisafucker · 05/11/2013 16:03

Thanks for pointing that out maypole, feel free to add it to your spreadsheet

Just saying.....

maypoledancer · 05/11/2013 16:13

It's OK LEM, not singling you out or keeping any spreadsheets, just happened to notice and probably wasting a bit too much time on these boards lately :)

Minime85 · 05/11/2013 16:17

be honest. this has just happened to me but I've been on the receiving end. if you want best chance of staying amicable then u must make a decision and be honest. sure he deserves that. and fundamentally you deserve to be happy too. I knew in my gut. I didn't know it was so bad but I knew things were wrong so maybe your DH does too

Dahlen · 05/11/2013 16:22

It sounds a bit trite, but you just have to do it.

You can rehearse the conversation in your head and try to anticipate a few things your H may say. That will be helpful to you. But don't plan out the entire thing because I guarantee that as soon as you open your mouth or your H says something you weren't expecting, your prepared speech will fly right out of your head.

Just take a deep breath and start with, "H, I have something to tell you. I don't love you any more and I want a divorce." Everything else will follow on from there. Don't waste time buttering him up first with things like, "you're a wonderful man who would make most women happy." That will just hurt him more.

Imogencodpiece · 05/11/2013 16:33

Hi OP, Im posting to share my experience of this. Two years ago I left my then husband, for a few reasons but the main one being that I was so unhappy. I liked him but I didn't love him and it was fairer to leave than stay.
I had no children at the time so my story is different in that aspect but we had been together for 7 years had a house together and were very much invested in each others lives.

I knew I was making the right decision because when I thought of my life without him I felt calm and light and happy. The thought of being with him 'till death us do part' was unbearable.

You know in your heart what you want and when you tell him you will feel so much better. It happened for me at about 11pm at night, i had gone to bed early (which had been usual for quite sometime as i was avoiding having to cuddle him etc) and spent a couple of hours crying. All of a sudden i knew i couldn't carry on the farse anymore and went immediately downstairs and just told him. It was a shock for him too, he literally had no idea, but he went to his sisters that night and I sorted my stuff and moved to my mums the next day.

managed to get all things sorted and divorced amicably and now im happy in a relationship with a new partner and have an 8 month old little boy.

for those who think thats fast, id already grieved and got over the relationship before i left him really, like the OP i had been feeling the way i had for about a year.

I just wanted to let you know OP there is light at the end of the tunnel. I would just tell him. theres no way you can sugar coat it or make it better for him.

LEMisafucker · 05/11/2013 16:44

No worries maypole lesson learnt :)

stalepalemale · 05/11/2013 16:52

Dear So, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, which is probably quite common. If you didn't have kids then it wouldn't be too bad (see Imogen, above) but I think you owe it to them (and your husband) to do everything you can to mend your marriage before splitting up, which should be a last resort.

You say counselling has helped your relationship before - maybe it could again? Your DH's depression will of course affect things between you - is he in therapy? Or maybe you have some issues - perhaps therapy could help you too? If therapy or counselling isn't working then try another therapist! Some can do wonders - not with every marriage but you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You both fell in love and had kids with each other for a reason - I hope you remember what that was before it's too late. Good luck x

PottedPlant · 05/11/2013 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 05/11/2013 18:50

bogey Just because I am saying I would not be happy about it doesn't mean that I think I could stop him. He is a grown man and he will be able to make his own decisions and I will have no say in that. You asked would I be happy - no. But would I voice my unhappiness? - no again, as it would be none of my business.

Re the DC and contact - my DH's job would mean that he would be unable to have the DC 50% of the time. I hope that we will be able to be sit down and work out a schedule that suits the DC so they can see their dad as much as we can both facilitate. I will in no way try to keep the kids away from their dad, but their main residence will be considered to be with me, that's just a fact.

I don't think I've said anywhere that I have this ideal picture of the future, I know it is going to be very tough. If I thought it was going to be easy, I would have done it ages ago! Maybe I will be in for a shock, but in the long run I think all 5 of us will be happier.

I can't remember who asked, but my DC are not very young no, the youngest is 5 so not babies. I know what you mean about DC affecting relationships and that was what we had to work through when we went to counselling before. I don't think that's what it is about this time though.

Thank you to those sharing your own stories, they give me plenty to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 05/11/2013 18:58

I'm thinking counselling is a good idea, even if it's just as a place to express our feelings.

I think I will say to DH something along the lines of 'our relationship isn't working at the moment and I think we should go to counselling to see if we can save it'. I know he will ask if I still love him (he did last time we went to counselling as I initiated it that time too) and I think I will answer honestly with 'I'm not sure if I do but if you're willing to try I'd like for us to go to counselling to talk about it'.

Sound ok? I don't want to give him false hope but I want the main focus of the conversation to be about talking things through rather than ending it???

OP posts:
Minime85 · 05/11/2013 19:15

its got to be worth a try or you'll never know Smile

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 05/11/2013 19:31

"I'm not sure if I love you"

That's pretty much top of the list for cruelty. IMO. That is worse than saying "I don't love you any more".

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 05/11/2013 19:35

Really mist? What do I say then?

OP posts:
FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 05/11/2013 19:45

I think 5 is young.

Do you still like him and respect him? Do you have a similar outlook on life and parenting? If yes, then I think you should do your damnedest to make it work for everyone's sake.

If you've nothing common and struggle to keep things civil and kind between you, then it might well be best if you split.

Sorcha1966 · 05/11/2013 19:45

"For better for worse
For richer for poorer
in sickness and in health"

I don't remember any words about "until I get bored with him".

selfish selfish selfish. And entitled and unrealistic.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 05/11/2013 19:54

Oh yeah, sorcha, that's all it is I'm bored, can't be arsed any more. That's the only reason I have for breaking his heart, turning my DC's lives upside down and going through months or years of upset. Thanks for the input but I think I'll ignore what you have to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 05/11/2013 19:58

fruit We do have similar outlooks on life, although I think they are drifting apart slightly. We definitely have similar outlooks on parenting and I'd like to think we do a good job of that together. However, I don't think we have loads in common any more, apart from the DC and mutual friends. We are generally civil and get along well but I do find that we seem to rub each other up the wrong way a lot lately and both seem to notice the other's faults a lot more (me more so than him).

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 05/11/2013 19:59

Do give your judgy knickers a rest, Sorcha. Hmm

"I don't think I love you" is what you say when you want to keep someone hooked on an impossible to win mission. It's what shits say to make someone jump through hoops and try and make themselves the person that you can love. A recipe for disaster.

I posted upthread how I would approach it, but that was if you definitely wanted to end your marriage. It seems you have had a rethink and perhaps want to keep him dangling a bit longer ? That doesn't seem fair to me, and if my DH was so ambivalent about staying I would prefer that he just left. That is just me, though.

Original poster
SoDesperatelySorry · 05/11/2013 20:02

You're right mist, the last thing I want to do is keep him dangling and giving him false hope. I don't want to make him change and be someone else, he shouldn't have to do that for any one, someone should love him just for who he is. I'm being completely selfish by suggesting counselling to work through it when I know how I feel, that wouldn't be fair on him.

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 05/11/2013 20:07

Counselling is ok if you are clear about what you want from it, from the off.