How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

[SoDesperatelySorry]

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug . This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult .

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

Had you thought about some counselling just for you ?

You sound muddled and like you could be swayed by a sound argument either way (not a criticism, btw, this must be sooooo hard).

Some non-invested individual counselling could be what you need to try and make sense of what you need.

Maybe I will wait to see how the conversation goes. It may be something he would like to help the process of splitting up, in which case I will go.

I'm finding this quite therapeutic to be honest. I'm not sure I can be swayed, you're post on the previous page has convinced me of that. I think I was convincing myself that it would be better for him if we went to counselling when in reality I think I was just keeping my options open, being entirely selfish. It's hearing from those that have regretted it that made me think selfishly (not that those posters are to blame of course), I don't want to regret doing this. But ultimately, I need to be a decent person here. And giving a man false hope for my own gain is not being decent.

Seriously do not leave or tell him that. You will be so miserable and regret giving up a good man. The poster who says they've done the same still has the Ex on the scene for everything but romance and it is a different story if he vanishes completely (i.e. meets someone else), suddenly v. lonely.

Go to counselling and try to salvage it! Have you any idea how wretched the dating world is?!

[I was responding to original post without reading many responses so don't know where this has got to]. I can only reiterate -- if there's nothing really wrong with your man but just you feel lacklustre about it then don't leave!!!! It might seem exciting now but trust me it won't after a year or so.

That doesn't seem very fair on him though. I would stay married to him just because the dating world is horrid and I wouldn't want to be lonely? We are not making each other happy at the moment, he deserves better than that.

I wouldn't have the conversation with him yet if I were you. Have some counselling on your own first, you need to really get to the bottom of your feelings.

There's a good chance your husband knows on some level how you feel, but quite likely he ignores it because he wants to protect his family life. All this stuff about him deserving better is a bit of an excuse IMO.

I feel he knows something but doesn't want to face it. I don't get the last sentence though, what do you mean?

I mean you're telling yourself he deserves better when really it's about what you want. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I keep hearing you saying everyone will be better off, but it's not clear to me that anyone will be better off, and certainly not your dh or dcs.

fruit I have to disagree with you. At the moment, we are not happy and that has to have an effect on the kids. I know we aren't just gonna be miraculously happy when we're not together, it's gonna be a very hard slog to get to a happy place again. But I do honestly believe that we are no good for each other any more.

downstairs I'll have a think about the counselling for me. But I think it is only fair he knows how I am feeling at the moment and is aware of the counselling if I do go for it. I don't think it's ok for me to be calling all of the shots here.

I suspect your in a similar situation to my wife OP, I've been expecting her to say something like this to me for a few months now. I'm kind of prepared for it despite expecting it to be a devastating blow when it happens. Don't worry, I'm not your H, we have only two DCs!

I'd be surprised if your H wasn't expecting something along these lines too, and I think after the initial shock he'll be more accepting of your honesty than anything else. Most relationships seem to fail in quite dramatic fashion, especially here on MN (affairs, abuse etc...). In this case it sounds like things are being wound down in a more controlled manner so at least you have this to go in both your and your H's favour.

For what it's worth I'm going down the counselling route (alone though) and finding it very useful if only to sort out my own problems, independent of my relationship with DW.

Regarding DCs, I don't think co-parenting is nearly as difficult as it once was and the old adage of "better to have two happy, separate parents, than two unhappy ones together" always applies.

Good luck and I wish you and your family all the best.

That is a lovely supportive post, KIH.

KIH Thank you for that post, it was very helpful and supportive and gives me some hope (although I was worried initially that you were my DH!).

Right, time for bed. Hoping I get more sleep than last night!

I want to share the best advice I got when in your position.

I told my dad one night that I wanted out, wasn't really sure why, just didn't love him anymore, didn't hate him, just apathy. Yes, in hindsight and with benefit of counselling, I now know I was in an ea relationship but that doesn't change that fundamentally he was and is a good guy and great dad. My parents are amicably divorced so I really didn't want to go down that road.

It was horrendous, he took it very badly, acted out the script and made my life hell for a while. Now, 2.5 years on, he is stable, we are amicable, almost friendly and prioritising our daughter as we want her to grow up knowing two great people can be parents but not be great for each other.

So, why my dad asked, which really helped:

Do you love him?
Do you hate him?
If neither, how do you feel - pity, apathy, resentment, suffocated, stuck in a rut.
Is that his fault or both your faults?
Would you go for counselling to save the marriage or prepare for a split?
What have you done to try and rectify things, did he engage, try hard too?
When did you start feeling this way, was there a trigger?
Take away the financial stress, kids, etc from the picture, is the a couple?

But most importantly, my dad said wisely:

Very few have fireworks all the time and all relationships are hard, need work and are battered by stress/debt/kids etc.

However, if the shit really hit the fan...bankruptcy, cancer, death of a loved one, is he the man you would want by your side? Would you want him there?

I answered everything and thought about that. I realised that no, when the big stuff comes, he wasn't the one for me. I loved him as a person, a father, but not as my husband. We brought out the worst in each other, we weren't right together. Two great people do not make a great relationship.

I tell all newly engaged couples that story now, be sure he is the one to face life's worst battles with.

My dad told me recently that one thing he admired was my unwavering stance, that in the face of every effort - good and bad - by xh, I never once wondered if I was doing the right thing. If you have checked out, it's over.

Sorr, I'm rambling, all the best to you and your family, whatever your decision.

I tried to post on this thread a couple of days ago but damn phone wouldn't let me! So, can I just say your OP really struck a chord with me, I could have written that nearly 3 years ago. I was with Dh since I was 22; which in hindsight (a wonderful thing...) was very very young. He was and is a good man, an excellent father. There are lots of reason why after so many years together my love for him waned, I didn't tell a soul, even beginning to acknowledge to myself that these issues were very serious was incredibly painful; we have 2 DC's who were 6 and 10 at the time. I had tried and tried over certainly the final 3 years of our relationship to get him to see how i felt, but he had a way of reacting so badly to anything negative or difficult emotional issues that he would effectively shut me down and I became reluctant, apprehensive then unable to express how i was feeling for fear of distressing him. I see this in a different light now but that's another story, part of it was that he was incapable and just did not have the skills to communicate, and was himself frightened to acknowledge any threat to his family. We had no intimacy, no affection despite me initiating numerous times, if not the only initiator, and being rebuffed. We lived like brother and sister, and i was ashamed, embarrassed, felt rejected, no self esteem or self worth and could not see how I could live out the rest of my life in that scenario, I was 37 at this point but kept telling myself "but what about the kids".

Eventually it took its toll, I lost a huge amount of weight in the space of about 6 weeks, still had not confided in anyone. A good friend and work colleague one day took me to oneside and just came out with it "what's going on? You seem in an extreme state, you've lost a tonne of weight (about 2 stone in a short space of time, i would say i could reasonably spare 10lbs so i didn't look great!) and i was like a bloody geyser. Sobbing, I told her how i was feeling, the guilt over the very idea of "breaking up" the family, she helped me see that the marriage i had was not the way anyone should be expected to live, one phrase she said to me which really hit home was "so if your daughter comes to you when she's 37 and says "mum, i'm so unhappy, i don't love him...." and outlines to you what you've just outlined to me, would you honestly say "well you need to subjugate yourself and put up with this for your kids, would you?" Another question which really hit home was "how would you feel if DH met someone else?" - my gut reaction was relief, and that i would be happy for him. That was a bit of a revelation.

My parents were less understanding, or should I say my DM. They were devastated, and DM was very much of the vein of "well he doesn't hit you, he isn't a drunk, so how can it be that bad?" and "you will damage those children for life" (helpful!) and "poor DH"; my welfare was last on her list if there at all. She was also deeply ashamed to have a daughter with children from (brace yourself) "a broken home".

In the end, the discussions with DH were quite unplanned, came out in a torrent over frustration about an irrelevant domestic issue......apparently he'd known something was wrong for months, but would not raise it and was waiting for me to do so. Unfortunately this pattern was to continue - he was completely inert in terms of showing any effort or willingness to help improve our situation; there were certain key personal issues that only he could fix and wouldn't (still hasn't); i could see he was terrified and upset, but all he would say is "but i know how i feel, it's you with the problem..." and would leave it all at my feet. I suggested counselling which he was reluctant to go too, he saw it as their job to "fix" me / the marriage, and when it didn't do that......well, what relate really did was to facilitate the seperation in the smoothest way possible and it has never been acrimonious, but because i was "the one" that raised the issue first, in his mind it'll forever be "me" that ended our relationship. He was frightened of losing contact with the kids or being relegated to some "every other weekend" dad which I reassured him would never happen (apart from logistic issues / reluctant parents or welfare issues i never understand why this should ever be so....) and we have shared residency 50/50. I realise now I had spent years repressing my needs in order to keep him happy, and was ever so slightly being controlled. When it came to telling the kids, he would have no part in it (spotting a theme here?) because he said he would be too upset, and as he didn't want us to split up anyway, saw it as my responsibility (punishment more like!) The best tip i can say here is to avoid the "sit down we need to talk / have something to tell you" because immediately the emotions rise. I decided the best thing for my children (every one is different...) was to talk to them whilst we were out walking and "doing" something....yes it was so hard, very distressing...the eldest cried and wailed "why why why are you doing this..." the youngest went very quiet and walked ahead, then burst into tears, but ten minutes later they were watching cbbc and asking what was for tea. Throughout that weekend the eldest had bouts of getting very upset and going very quiet, DH did not know what to do (so did nothng) and so I had to handle it the best way i could. Lots of hugs, reassurances.

So, nearly 3 years on - I'm 40 next week. Hand on heart i have NEVER regretted it, of course we both hurt deeply for a long time, and sometimes i still struggle with it, BUT I have found the old "me" which felt buried under layers of expectation and stifled. The kids are GREAT, now 8 and 12, I can honestly say they are as unaffected as can be, even DM has eaten her words and compliments us both on what great well adjusted kids they are. Had we stayed together in that atmosphere of repression and misery, i don't think that would be the case. I have discovered a fierceness and independance I didn't know I had, I didn't even know i was attractive......the last couple of years have been an enormous learning curve, and I have a new man (but at arms length in a sense - the kids come first) who has introduced me to so many things and made me realise a lot of things about myself i would never have dared even entertain. Oh, and I only regained those 10lbs, so look a lot better too....hope some of this helps, that's my story anyway.....

This is so hard to advise on as this could go both ways - ie you get counselling/ try to get the life you want within your marriage or walk away and hope that is what you want.
T start with I want to say that I have ended a 30 yr marriage and wish I'd had the strength to do it years ago -( it was abusive in every way imaginable) but I also know that no one who has been married a long time hasn't wanted to leave at some point.
I think 'people' can tend to give up when life gets dull and mundane and also think just because you had counselling once doesn't mean you can't go again. Family life isn't always passion and fun and the alternative isn't either. It would be good to have someone to discuss all this with so you will be more certain that the decision you make is the right one for you.

I'm not trying to suggest that you are taking this too lightly OP and wish you all the best.x

yes, I would open up to a friend who knows you both as it's hard for us to imagine -- do you seem like two people who really are very close but just not clicking at the moment, or like two genuinely mismatched souls?

Hi So, it’s great that you’re finding the advice here useful, but please keep in mind that we’re all just strangers on the internet and you should take everything said here (including this) with a big pinch of salt. Nothing can compare to talking things through with a good therapist, who could really help you work through some of your confusion so you will be best placed to make such an important decision as this.

That said, I’d like to comment on a couple of things you’ve said. First, I’m pretty sure your DH wants to change – not for you, but for himself. He almost certainly wants to be the best husband, the best father and the best man he can be. And depression is a killer. Therapy (couples and individual) can help with all this. Not always, but often.

Second, I’d guess that the main reason you’re both rubbing each other up the wrong way is that you’ve stopped having sex. Marriage is hard work – marriage without sex is unbearable. Paradoxically having small kids around can destroy your sex life, yet the only reason that they are around is because you both had sex with each other in the first place! Nature can be very cruel. Fixing this is easier said than done, but again therapy can often help as can sparkling wine and sex toys.

Third, be honest with him about what you know and what you don’t know. From what you’ve written it’s pretty clear you’re not ‘in love’ with him, but it sounds like you might still love him in some ways – there is a massive difference. I think he will find it much easier to accept that you’re not in love with him than that you’ve stopped loving him completely. The former you can get back, the latter not so much.

I know it seems like it will be impossible to turn your marriage around, but it may be easier than you think. For a start, it doesn’t sound as though either of you have done something unforgivable to each other. And you seem to be generally quite compatible, at least more compatible than many couples! The disposable culture we live in often encourages us to throw away broken things without properly trying to mend them. Look at what’s wrong, get professional help and try to fix it. And please don’t give up without a proper life-or-death fight – it really is worth it when the prize is having a happy and loving marriage again.

OP, does your DH even know that you think there's something wrong with your marriage? Because what's about to happen to him sounds very much like what's happened to all the posters on here who think they're in a perfectly fine marriage right up to the point where their DH has turned around and said, "Actually I've been unhappy for years but for some reason I haven't bothered to talk to you about it or given us a chance of fixing it."

Why have you let it get to the point that the only option is unilaterally ending the relationship?

I think it's actually quite cruel that you have withheld vital information about your marriage from the person you are actually in it with.

wallaby am literally bawling at my desk here, you wrote it exactly as I wished I could. Every single word of your story matches mine, except my parents were wonderful.

It's a relief to be out the other side but it's a huge and difficult decision to make, especuially when there is no apparent 'reason'

I'm going to try and write what I need to without getting too emotional, but it's very hard for me, so please excuse anything that comes across in the wrong way!

My ex told me that he didn't love me anymore almost 8 months ago now. We'd been together almost 19 years (friends since childhood before that) and we have 3 kids together.

We'd been drifting apart for months prior to that. This was down to him pulling away from me. Posting on here at the time and afterwards the 'symptoms' of his behaviour indicated another woman - I've plenty of proof towards that, and we argued over it again and again prior to his big announcement. He's never admitted anything (I still suspect he's seeing someone) and never given any solid reasons for his ending things.

I'm not suggesting for a second that you have someone else (you've stated upthread that you haven't and you have no reason to hide something like that on an anonymous forum so I believe you. The reason I'm writing about what happened to us is to give you the following advice based on what we went through and how it made me feel, and how I continue to feel.

If you say 'I don't love you anymore' there is no coming back from that. when ex said it to me, I was utterly broken and devastated, even though I suspected an affair. I thought that if there was someone else, well, people come back from that if they really want to and things change within the relationship. Hearing those words, I didn't know what to think. I mean, how do fight that? You can't 'fight for your man' (my intention with the suspected OW) if it's that bad.

We agreed to separate for three months. This never happened. He was meant to go and stay at his brothers - he never did. He worked away a lot during the week and we just carried on with him coming home at weekends like before. After three weeks or so I asked him what the point of separation was if he felt the way he did. He wasn't going to fall in love with me again, was he? So that was it, the end.

My point is, if he'd suggested a separation (or counselling or whatever) before saying what he said, I would have had something to fight for, but I had nothing. Please be 100% sure before you do this. You need to be certain that what you think you feel is what you actually feel. You need to be able to explain why your feelings have changed and give a full account because the hurt is unbearable and I still have no closure, so I can't let go or move forward. Please bear that in mind when you have the talk and be prepared to have questions fired at you.

You may feel 'excited' about your new life now, but again, please think long and hard. Once said, there's no going back, as Bogey's account explains above.

I don't know if my long-winded ramble has made any kind of sense, but I just wanted to put the other side out there (like someone up thread did earlier).

Hope I haven't come across as judgemental or guilt-tripping.

Thanks for the replies today.

tight Thank you for the post, I am going to ask myself those questions when I have a chance later this evening. But this one I don't feel is so clear cut...
"if the shit really hit the fan...bankruptcy, cancer, death of a loved one, is he the man you would want by your side? Would you want him there?"
We have been through a hell of a lot together, deaths of very close members of the family, severe depression, serious illnesses, big money worries etc, and I am glad he was the one by my side through all of this. And if I were to imagine such drastic things happening in the future I see him next to me. However, I know that wouldn't be able to happen, he would most probably have someone new who wouldn't be too pleased if he was offering a lot of emotional support to his exW. I see my DH now as a very very dear friend, but I am not in love with him. I hope I won't lose his friendship altogether but I know that is the risk I take.

wallaby Thank you so much for your post, it was very moving for me (and I made the mistake of reading it earlier when I was in work!) and also very helpful.

cjel and delilah I think I am going to talk to my best friend about all of this. She has known us both for a long time and will be a great support to me. She is also straight talking and honest though so is a good person to speak to.

stale You are right about the no sex causing friction within the house, this is something we have noticed before. But I honestly could not bring myself to have sex with him. We had sex recently (the first time in a few months) and I don't think either of us particularly enjoyed it. I will think more about the counselling but deep down I think I know it is over so I will take his lead on that.

FP I feel as if I haven't been fair to him not letting him know how I feel but I think I was hiding the truth from myself too as I didn't want to admit it. I do believe that he knows something is seriously wrong with the marriage but I think he would prefer to put up with how things are than split. I know it may seem as if I am speculating, but I know the man very well (even he says I know him better than he knows himself sometimes).

heartbroken Thank you for your view from the other side, it is something I need to hear about. And no, you haven't come across as judgmental at all, I appreciate you posting.

As my DH is away at the moment, I am unable to talk to him but I am going to let him know how I am feeling at the weekend. In the meantime, I am going to try to speak to my best friend and get some objective views on this from someone who knows us both.

I agree wholeheartedly with heartbroken as that is my situation now. I was utterly heartbroken being told this. there is no coming back. I tried. but you must be honest. u mustn't keep him in the dark anymore. that's just as cruel. to maintain any sense of friendship in the future u need to be honest.