How do I tell DH I don't love him any more?

[SoDesperatelySorry]

NC'd for this as I'm sure DH knows my usual NN.

I have fallen out of love with my DH. I still have strong feelings for him, he is the father of my 3 beautiful DC so I don't think I could ever hate him, I'm just not in love with him any more. I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all and it makes me feel really uncomfortable if he even just tries to give me a simple hug . This isn't sudden, I think it's been happening gradually over the past year or two and I've been too scared to admit it. But I don't think it's good for anyone for us to carry on as we are.

The thing is, he is a good man. He has been a loving husband and he is an excellent dad. I don't want to hurt him so I'm finding it so hard to say what needs to be said. I imagine I am going to break his heart when I tell him that I don't love or fancy him any longer, as I believe he still loves me, which is making this so difficult .

He has gone away for a few days with work and I wanted to tell him how I felt before he left so that we could each have some time to think about things without being around each other. I came close so many times, but the words just wouldn't come out. I feel so bad that he is unaware of my feelings (although I'm sure he knows our relationship isn't great at the moment) but I just can't say it. I just keep thinking 'when I've said it I can't take it back, am I sure I want to start this ball rolling' and then I lose all courage and carry on as normal.

How do I do this? I would be particularly interested in hearing from anyone who has done what I need to do.

If you suggest counselling you might find you end that conversation with saying you want to split and then it's done!

While I agree it's wrong to string things along with false pretences of staying together I'm not sure it's the worst thing to suggest it and save your decision for in the counselling space, but of course you might find that comes out anyway before the first session. So again job done. Somehow you have to find a way to say the words. Once they are said they're said.

Can I ask, how would you want someone to tell you something like this? What are my opening first lines?

There isn't a good way really. I've never enjoyed it however it's put. You can't avoid hurting him unless he is secretly feeling the same.

You could ask if he feels the marriage is going well but that could backfire. 'I've sent the kids to DPs, we need to talk'.

As for thinking he would refuse counselling if you're splitting up you could tell him that actually it can be really useful and that that process is often what they are helping with.

I just want him to know how truly sorry I am and that I am doing this as I truly believe it is for the best, but if I start with that he is gonna just want me to get to the point. But if I start with 'I think we should split', then I don't think he is gonna hear anything after those words.

Example of an Opening line:

I haven't been happy for sometime. I don't want to stay in this marriage. I want to find the way to split that is easiest on all of us, but especially DC. I hope you understand that I have thought long and hard about this and feel that the major bumps we have had so far were simply indications that this is no longer a marriage where we can both get what we need, but I hope we can still work together to give that to DC

Then let him talk. See what he says. Let him get it all out. Then go back to what you originally said.

Look, from what you've said he is not going to just accept it.

He will be angry or hurt and you are going to have to go through that. There's no avoiding it no matter how many times you say sorry.

I would say, look this isn't working. I've been unhappy for some time and I've decided to leave/split etc etc.

This is making it all so real. I haven't spoken to anyone about this in RL so this is just making it so real for me

You're right thisis, I need to except he is going to be hurt/angry/upset and that there's nothing I can do or say to make it better.

I do think that joint counselling would be good.

You dont have to tell him that you want to split so "lets go to counselling", just go and see where it takes you.

You just need to tell him OP, face to face. I feel for you both.

I think we parent well together but I don't think our own relationship is working for me any more and having given it a lot of thought I want us to split up. I realise this is probably a shock to you and I'm sorry as I think you are a great parent and a good, decent man.

Whatever you think you're going to say it won't come out like that!

I dont mean that you should stay in the marriage if you dont want to, but counselling could lead him to realise your marriage is over to, or could give you the courage to say that you want to split, but in an enviroment where he has support.

This is making it all so real. I haven't spoken to anyone about this in RL so this is just making it so real for me

How does that make you feel op? Do you feel any regrets or second thoughts? I'm only asking because you need to be really sure before you take the step. There's no going back

I wish I had posted a few days ago so I was able to tell him before he went away. I'm feeling stronger about it now, but need to wait til Friday as he's away

No stumpetron, I don't feel an regrets, only shame that I haven't been honest with him yet.

OP, I am glad you didnt post before he went away. It would have been very cruel to tell him that and then remove the ability to sit and talk with you. You may have wanted the space but he will need to talk to you and to be frank, right now you need to give him what he needs.

Don't feel ashamed. You've had to get to grips with it yourself. It's a big decision to make.

And thats not even considering that he might have done something ill advised while he was away and newly single that he would regret later. This isnt just about you, and at the moment, you need to defer to his needs to talk and understand rather than your own to say "we are over" and close the book.

I understand what you're saying, I just thought it may have been good for him to have some breathing space to think without seeing my face every day. Doesn't matter now anyway as he is still none the wiser.

I can see the logic, but I can also see that he would be stuck away thinking up all sorts of scenarios in his head because he cant talk to you face to face.

Timing is somewhere where you might be able to make a difference. Do you want to split before or after christmas or right slap bang in the middle? for instance.

Of course when it comes to it it often happens when you can't cope with pretence any longer whatever that timing is.

Thank you stumpetron, although I don't feel I deserve even an ounce of sympathy, I am about to break a man's heart who has done nothing wrong. Crying now with the realisation of all of this

I will say again, please be sure this is what you want. Once this is said, there is no going back.

How does the prospect of the getting out the other side make you feel ?

Scared ? Sad ? Relieved ?

I just thought it may have been good for him to have some breathing space to think without seeing my face every day.

Splits dont take a couple of days, they take weeks, months even years sometimes. You need breathing space (as did I after I ended my marriage, I do understand) but he will need answers.