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Original poster

I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

460 replies

youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:05

Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Confused Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

OP posts:
Thesouthernwindisblowing · 19/10/2013 22:10

No advice but his behaviour is vomit inducing.

YoureBeingADick · 19/10/2013 22:10

umm- if they are having an affair you are basically giving them their thrills for free by having her there. they'll get a giggly fucking kick out of having to pretend to be all non flirty with each other and will steal secret whispers in the hallway, brushing past each other just a bit too close and dodgy glances across the table. meanwhile you will be going through pure hell trying to catch a look or a snigger or body language.

why do this to yourself?

confront him! don't bring her into your home. don't torture yourself.

CaptainSweatPants · 19/10/2013 22:13

Someone whose having an affair doesn't consult his wife on what to wear surely

It sounds to me like a crush & I think by making the friendship more of a couple thing is a good idea

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 19/10/2013 22:15

I dont think you can call her OW. She is your DH's friend. I do personally think having her for dinner is a mistake while you think there is something going on as you might find it a bit much.

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2013 22:16

I'd be tempted to get her husband in the kitchen and ask him whether their relationship pisses him off, too.

Leavenheath · 19/10/2013 22:17

The idea would bring me out in hives I'm afraid.

If it's an innocent friendship, in her shoes I'd have no interest at all visiting the home of a woman who'd snubbed me when I'd met her previously and I think it would be glaringly obvious why the invitation has been issued.

If there's something going on and the two of them get a buzz from having this secret right in front of your noses, I wouldn't want to facilitate that in any way, shape or form.

As ever with these things, it's not your role to nip an affair in the bud. That's your husband's job. Nothing you personally do can prevent something happening.

Have you talked to your husband about your fears?

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2013 22:17

You would be surprised, Captain.

Troubledjo · 19/10/2013 22:17

I think you're doing exactly the right thing. It sounds like they have a genuine friendship and your husband is probably just excited that you are making an effort to meet her. I am sure if he (and she) were thinking of doing anything untoward this is the last thing they would want.
You know the old saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

LynetteScavo · 19/10/2013 22:17

This will end with you "incidentally" tipping red win in her lap.

LynetteScavo · 19/10/2013 22:18

or rather accidentally - damn spell check. Grin

MajesticWhine · 19/10/2013 22:21

I think it's a good move. I don't like the sound of this relationship, but by bringing it into your family home, he will have to face up to his feelings, if he does have any, and start behaving more appropriately.

DistanceCall · 19/10/2013 22:21

I think it's a good idea to invite them over for dinner to make things more normal. But I think you should also talk to your husband and tell him how you feel: that you are feeling jealous, insecure, etc.

Men and women can be friends, even to the point of verging on having a crush. It can be completely harmless. But I really think you should talk to him.

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:22

I've been very open with hubby about how I feel about her and the situation and he has been equally 'open' about liking her a lot and their friendship (although he did say he doesn't think she's 'that' pretty when she looks like a freakin model!) He was annoyed with me for not being friendly and was pleased that I wanted to invite her and get to know her. He thinks this means I am past my 'jealousy problem'. He has always insisted that they are friends and the problem is all my own jealousy/insecurity. I just can't see why a man his age with older children is such close friends with a much younger, very attractive woman. You're not telling me he's never thought about it, especially as she's hot and so clever, similar to him etc.

Sorry if OW is the wrong term. In my head she is the OW. :(

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 22:22

If he e-mails her several times a day, then you don't need to meet her to know that more of his emotional energy is being invested in his "friendship" with her than in his marriage to you.

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:23

Do you think I'm mad? Do you think it's normal for a married man to be good friends with a much younger woman?

OP posts:
Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:24

He's a good husband by the way - very loving and attentive and we do a lot together and rarely fight. I don't feel like he's checked out or anything

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 22:24

And clearly this friendship is not "harmless".

It is harming you and it is harming your marriage.

If he wasn't so attached to her giving up a friendship that was obviously causing so many problems would not be a big deal.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 22:26

"Do you think it's normal for a married man to be good friends with a much younger woman?"

I don't think it's normal for a married man to carry on an obvious flirtation with a much younger colleague right under his wife's nose.

Or at least, I don't think it's normal in a marriage that has any chance of lasting.

Which of his other good friends that he has made in the previous 40-odd years he has been alive does he e-mail several times a day for general chit-chat?

ImperialBlether · 19/10/2013 22:26

^
What Playfellows said.

I suppose the test would be if he was out for the day without either of you, who would get more texts?

WipsGlitter · 19/10/2013 22:28

I'm very, very good friends with my male boss. We have a right laugh. He said he's happier coming into work and its partly because of me.

We are both in happy relationships.

It's more about you than him.

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:29

He doesn't text (me or her) as far as I know.

Do you think it is an obvious flirtation? It's never personal stuff - they talk about stuff they've read, what they're up to, stuff in the news and so on. It's never feelings or emotions or anything sexual at all.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/10/2013 22:31

Yeah, I think it's an obvious flirtation.

He must have other good friends.

How many times a day does he e-mail them?

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:33

He doesn't e-mail other friends much, but then his other friends are men and so they don't really do that. Having snooped (I know, I know :( ) I think she instigates a lot of it and he likes the attention.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/10/2013 22:34

Not a lot of difference between emailing and texting, OP - both can be received on your phone.

DistanceCall · 19/10/2013 22:34

I am 37, and have male friends who are more than 20 years older than me (I work in a field that is male-dominated). No doubt there is some flirting sometimes, and they may enjoy talking to a much younger woman because it makes them feel younger and attractive or something like that. But it's completely innocent - I have never been propositioned in any way, and they are happy in their marriages, as far as I can tell.

However, it would piss me off if he paid me less attention than he pays to this friend. You need to tell him. But it's not about his having a female friends; it about his paying you more attention.

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