I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

[youvegotmail]

Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

[dontyouwantmebaby]

I meant your happiness should come first, not this puppy-dog 'friendship'.

[TheDietStartsTomorrow]

I think the dinner invite is a good move. It'll allow you to gauge his behaviour around her. Regardless of happy she is with DH and how much your husband is in denial, if the relationship is clearly making you unhappy, he should cool it.

When's the dinner? Do come back and tell us how it goes.

[Leavenheath]

he in no way accepts this and once said, 'So because she has a vagina I need to make a plan for being careful not to fall into it?' and went on to say that if this were a male friend I'd have no problems (true)

Well yes.

Like I said earlier, I've had to make a few plans in my time not to fall on a few cocks of my (not intimate) acquaintance. I regard this as entirely pragmatic and sensible. Fortunately I don't think either my marriage or me as a person are above such things- and I'm a realist.

It's rather stating the obvious that you wouldn't be so concerned if this was a male friend, or at least not concerned about potential infidelity. But here's where I think people like your husband are completely disingenuous and actually, I'd be more furious with him for that and his attempts to manipulate you, some of which sadly seem to have worked.

These are not irrational fears and if the boot was on the other foot, you bet he'd have the raging arse at worst or a concern at least about you being in constant touch with an attractive, successful new manfriend. And if he didn't feel any of those things, he'd be not only complacent but stupid.

I agree he probably wants her to come round because he's desperate to normalise this, so it can continue.

If he had to face the truth of this after all, the friendship would have to stop wouldn't it?

And it's too important to him and how it makes him feel about himself to let it slip away.

[CharityFunDay]

Two things.

1. She is not, as far as you know, the "OW"
   
   
2. This:
   
   I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth.
   
   Is just paranoid "logic". Step back and look at what you yourself have said:
   
   You haven't found anything incriminating, but you have found some innocent chat which must be flirty despite the fact that it isn't, because talking to someone indicates you're interested in them sexually.
   
   Have a word with yourself.

[Libertine73]

Yep agree with charity This is purely because she's female, he's been upfront, honest and open with you.

When you met and connect with someone it is exciting! It doesn't matter that she's attractive or younger, it's not about that. They.are.friends.

Poor bloke, don't make him feel he's'crossing a line' by getting on with someone, he's not done anything wrong.

[Libertine73]

As for the dinner, try and enjoy it! This could be the start of a life long friendship between all of you, if you put aside your insecurities and give her a chance.

[trianglecirclesquare]

There is no way I would carry on a friendship with a younger, attractive man if it upset my DH to such an extent. DH is my first loyalty, and if I had to sacrifice a friendship to respect his feelings, I would do so. Shame to lose a friend, but my family has to come first, and I would understand that flirty messages and overeagerness to see this guy would look disrespectful to DH. If once, in the course of a long relationship, DH told me 'no way, this is trouble', then I would drop the friend.

And OP, you should come first for your DH. This is driving you crazy, and not without reason. He should back off and stop all contact with this woman. Because even if you are wrong about the nature of their relationship, he should be sensitive to what it's doing to you.

Unless you have form for stamping out his relationships with friends and family, he should just give you this one. And if he doesn't, I think that speaks volumes.

[trianglecirclesquare]

Oh, and cancel the damn dinner. That you do not need.

[ihatethecold]

I think you have every right to be fed up with this situation.
If I had a friendship that took over my relationship with my dh, even an innocent one. I would reign it in.

I have too much respect for my dh feelings to do otherwise.

It sounds like a man crush not an affair. Yet!

[ScaryFucker]

Yes, this is AnyFucker in my Hallowe'en costume.

I agree with Leavenheath. Perhaps he isn't at the stage of rubbing his line-crossing relationship with her in your face yet, but this is certainly at the very least an exercise in denial for him

You are currently a bit-part in his drama. This is why you feel shit about it. I wonder what websites/books he has been reading to come out with phrases like "fall into her vagina". IME, that is not a term that trips off the tongue when talking about a female friend. It sounds like he has been genning up on the most effective ways to make you STFU. Very manipulative indeed.

Get him "Not Just Friends" and make him read it. If he doesn't have a lightbulb moment and change his behaviour immediately then you may have more of a problem than you thought you did.

[PervCat]

I'm friends with a married man 15 years younger than me. We piss about. Shoot the breeze. Go our for drinks. Both partners know each other. It's really cool. Mind you I've often had male best mates.

[PervCat]

Plus we text and email. I certainly don't fancy him.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Simply cannot believe posters on here say this is acceptable behaviour!!!

How many people email any friend several times a day??? I've got friends I adore and lived with at uni that I only speak to 3 or 4 times a year!

My point being this is NOT a 'normal' friendship. He fancies her. If he has any respect for his wife he should be cutting down on contact. Where does he think this is going?

The posters saying how ok this is....I'd LOVE to see how quickly you would put a stop to this with your own husband!!

Op- cancel the dinner and tell your husband you want this emailing to stop. Notice I didn't say the friendship...but the level of contact is inappropriate.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Yes but pervcat...how many times a week are you and your mate in contact? Is it a similar friendship to your other female friends?

The op's husband is contacting her more than he would his other friends

[ScaryFucker]

Pervcat, do you dance around the house trilling about what you will wear before you meet him ?

[PervCat]

Now I agree there. I also know another bloke a little like the ops h. He is very easy to get on with and seems to have intense friendships. Wife knows and tolerates. They last got a bit then move on

[PervCat]

We are in contact every day. Like a woman mate would be.

[PervCat]

Oh we text and tweet all evening. We are colleagues

[Mapleissweet]

Just because they aren't shagging doesn't mean their behaviour isn't appropriate.
I think some men kid themselves that because its not a 'real' affair they aren't doing anything wrong. But as always things aren't black and white and your dh appears to be lost in the grey area.
Finding other people attractive us normal, healthy and natural, but when that attraction becomes a preoccupation and slight obsession, without doubt it will have an impact on the dp and marriage.
Who really wants to see their dh behave like a lovesick puppy over a girl so much younger. It is cringey and disrespectful.
I totally get your upset op. they both seem to enjoy massaging each others ego.

[PervCat]

Agree. It's not the friendship it's the flaunting of it. Weird.

[PervCat]

oh NOW i cant decide, I think i agree with Frighty

[Jaynebxl]

I think the dinner is an excellent idea and just what i would do. And no way would I stick in the background. I would be a magnanimous and kind host to the whole family and see it as a chance for the colleague to see your dh in the setting of his lovely family and vice versa. I'd be aiming for a happy atmosphere which leaves is all with nice memories of the two colleagues firmly rooted in their families.

[Mapleissweet]

Her dh and ow appear to be building a connection and attraction that should be reserved for their respective partners.
If my dh was emailing a woman each night, fretting over what to wear to impress for a simple dinner at home and behaving as if he was on cloud 9 whenever she was mentioned. Alarm bells would be ringing.
If he is attracted to her to such an extent, he should start to back off. This fantasy is affecting his dw esteem.