I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

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Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

Next time he tells you that you only feel this way because she's a woman ask him exactly which of his males friends visiting would see him bouncing around the house like an excited toddler for weeks in advance

Does he react to seeing all of his friends this way? If so, fair enough. If not, then he has to accept that he has created the difference between his female friend and his male friends himself by virtue of his behaviour. Ask him why he thinks that is.

It is not you.

I've been in a similar position, OP, and I did what you're doing - befriended the colleague and her family. I guess it worked, in that the crush (or whatever it was) never developed any further and eventually their friendship faded.

His behaviour is ridiculous. Does he think he is single and you are his mum while his son is on line chatting?
I think I would find a man to chat as well. Do exactly the same thing. I would make myself pretty and ask him if he likes this outfit when going out to meet my special toy-friend. Gosh.

I think you are on dangerous ground.

It appears as if they are either having an affair or about to embark on one.

Her meeting you and your dc will have no negative effect on ther ow or your dh whatsoever.

The ow my dh is now with knew about me and our dcs. He read the same script as your dh claiming that they were simply friends who had things in common.

Oh and he claims he is friends with her ex, the father of her baby.

Please don't fall for these lies.

There is nothing you can do to stop their affair. They will decide themselves whether to go ahead or not regardless of you or the oiw husband.

Personally i think your dh is behaving like a total dick.

Yes, he is behaving like a total dick.

This isn't some friend who just happens to be female.

She is his brand new BEST friend. He has far more contact with her than any other friend he has ever made.

Has he EVER BEFORE made a brand new friend he was this caught up with that was either male, old, or ugly?

If not, I think it's stretching credibility a bit to try to claim that the fact that she is a woman he is obviously attracted to is nothing but an unimportant coincidence.

mail does he behave this way with ALL his friends, male and female? If so, then that's who he is. Has he ALWAYS gone this overboard with new friendships, male and female? If so, as above.

Have you always had such a reaction to friendships he's made? Have you always felt the need to check out his female friends in such a way, and have you always had suspicions about female friends before?

Think about that. You need to put some more context around your worries and where they're coming from and how they are connecting with your DH's insensitive stance.

I've been there, you see. Did the 'cool DW' bit, welcomed her into my home (well, actually I didn't have much choice), voiced my concerns, got the same response as you have, questioned whether I was unreasonable and jealous…….

And after it all came out and I was right I was then able to put it all together - of the hundreds of female's ex h came into contact with in his professional and private life she was the ONLY one he treated and thought about in this way and she was the ONLY 'friend' I had ever worried about.
I didn't have MN then. For the record I think he's playing with fire, I think he's prioritising his friendship with her over your relationship, he's turning some dubious somersaults in his mind in order to justify it and you aren't getting the answers you need because if you did he'd have to make a decision he doesn't want to make.

I'm still not the jealous type btw - but I do now land firmly on the side of red flags a-flying.

Agree with wisey.
Also, I can see this going horribly wrong: the OW as a pretty young mother sitting there being attractive and entertaining and, above all, NEW
versus the old bag in the kitchen flustered and running around and being just so 'deja'

Let alone the 'in jokes' and 'glances' that already seem to be part of their 'relationship - all horrible and not the way to go - although I have no idea what the way to go is :( - sorry

I think inviting her for lunch for any reason other than you like her and enjoy her company is a recipe for disaster once the drinks start flowing. He is giving her way too much attention and needs to get a grip

x posts!

Yes I think the lunch thing has the potential for disaster. I think at best this will be you meeting his friend and her DH, you'll be anxious, uptight, watching their every move….and at the end of it you won't be part of a new friendship group IMO. You'll still be very firmly on the outside of it.

Does he get all excited about going out on a date with you btw? Anxious to dress up and impress you? Or does he pull out any old thing in a 'this'll do' kind of way.

I'm wondering why the Jeff this woman wants to come to your house, but can only think it's either a sop to her own husband's disquiet, she's trying very hard to normalise to her own self or more unlikely, she thinks the whole thing will give her a thrill.

I'd no more want to visit the house of a woman who's hostile to me and has shown it, than fly to the moon. I certainly wouldn't want to expose my kids to that sort of hostility either and although my husband's a grown-up, I wouldn't much want to force this on him either.

I mean, don't people have better things to do with their precious time off work?

That for me, is what's also pointing to this being suspicious.

How can there possibly be "bugger all" going on from her end?

These two people are having an extremely intense new friendship, even if neither of them fancied the other (which is obviously not the case).

But I wouldn't think it was 'nice' at all to be invited to dinner at the house of a woman who's been hostile and who's snubbed me on previous encounters. I'd see right through it and wouldn't want any part of it. I deffo wouldn't put my husband and kids through it either. Who needs it?

Life is too short for these sort of games

OP, for goodness sake just cop yourself on, roll over and be a good little 1950s wife!

Honestly, I cannot believe people are telling you that how you 'feel' is wrong, as if feelings are something we have that much control over.

I don't think your DH is having an affair, fwiw, but I do think he's being a total arse and disregarding your upset about his behaviour. If he loves you he'd have an honest, adult conversation and take how you feel on board.

I lived with a jealous partner for almost 19 years. And when I say jealous, I mean REALLY jealous. And I actually gave him nothing to be jealous about. His head was screwed from drugs as a teenager. Unfortunately I worked in education and he couldn't handle the fact that I actually had to talk to male students - apparently I fancied every bloke I came into contact with! I knew that this was who he was and dealt with it - in our case, it actually WAS him getting het up over nothing, every single time.

Before we split six months ago I had very good reason to believe he was having an affair (all pretty much validated on here) but ME being jealous and anxious was enough to end our relationship because HE couldn't handle it!

I've gone off completely at a tangent now. What I'm trying to say is he's the one behaving with no consideration here, not you, and what he should be doing is giving you the attention and energy that he's currently giving to her.

As said upthread, how would he feel if the tables were turned?

He is trying to 'normalise' an inappropriate relationship.

It's not normal.

You know that, all your instincts are telling you that.

No, my dh would not be behaving like this with another women whilst living with me.

He would have a choice. Her or me. It's that simple.

I certainly think posters project and don't listen enough. So for some reason they believe that their own stories about women who are friends to both them and their husbands resonates at all with the OP's story, when she doesn't like a woman who's only a friend to her husband, has snubbed her in the past and is only seeking out her company to mark her territory or find out more of what might be going on.

I also think telling posters who are actually listening to the OP and sticking with what she's actually telling them, that they are going to kill her marriage is something of an over-reaction.

For me it is about respect. Even if it is all innocent the fact it upsets you should be enough for him to cool it. You and your feelings should be top priority.

For me there are some fine lines about that one.

For example, I don't think it's reasonable or fair that in every case a partner's upset about friendships outside the marriage should dictate whether those friendships exist. We've all read about or perhaps known control freaks who like to isolate a partner from having friends, after all.

Which is why the context is so important. If this OP is a reasonable, emotionally healthy woman who doesn't instinctively mistrust or dislike other women just because they are young and attractive, doesn't have a problem with opposite-sex friendships and doesn't usually have a problem with fear or risk assessment, her concerns about this are probably justified.

If she's also switched-on enough to realise that even people in good relationships where there is regular sex are vulnerable to affairs, that's another plus point.

What she's said about her husband's actions and responses though are far and away enough for me personally to acknowledge she's got a valid problem. He doesn't seem to think he needs to put any safeguards in at all to stop this friendship crossing the line. He seems to think a combination of the woman not being that pretty and his own belief he won't go there, are enough to stop anything happening.

If he genuinely is that stupid, it's not just this particular woman who's going to pose a problem in the future of this marriage. Several others could but that's because the problem is him.

I'm not sure the OP realises that and is why she's obsessing about looks, youth, the state of the woman friend's marriage and the happiness of her own. All these are irrelevancies.

The real problem is a bloke who doesn't think he needs to do anything active at all in order to stop himself falling into a woman's vagina.

Fool.

Leavenheath has it.

I read and commented on your previous post. I think you are doing exactly the right thing inviting them for dinner. That way you will see that they are just good friends ,

I think it is your insecurity rather than anything inappropriate. My best friend is a younger attractive male but my ohknowsit is platonic and that's all it is

Having a nice evening with her and her family will help you see this for what it is.

I would make sure you look amazing, and don't hide away in the kitchen, make something easy to prepare and spend time with them being your lovely self otherwise you will feel more insecure!

It's not insecurity. If dh was emailing another woman all day every dayi would be pissed off. Even if she looked like his mother.

One problem is that putting on a meal for 4 adults and, say, 4 DCs probably could mean you are never out of the kitchen. Who know what is going on in the dining room as you might not get to see, plus, if DH is busy wowing his admirer you and other DH will be seeing to the umpteen requests from DCs.

So your plan could be totally scuppered.

You need to make some clear plans eg instruct DH that he is the one who see to the DCs, gets drinks, etc, make sure he knows he will be needed at times to help serve etc. Or maybe get someone in to do the meal?

The DCs might disappear and all play happily or you could have a tired one who constantly demands attention so you have no opportunity to watch the dynamics. How old are the DCs?