Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

460 replies

youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:05

Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Confused Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

OP posts:
Jaynebxl · 20/10/2013 08:46

I think the dinner is an excellent idea and just what i would do. And no way would I stick in the background. I would be a magnanimous and kind host to the whole family and see it as a chance for the colleague to see your dh in the setting of his lovely family and vice versa. I'd be aiming for a happy atmosphere which leaves is all with nice memories of the two colleagues firmly rooted in their families.

Jaynebxl · 20/10/2013 08:47

Hmm and I felt it so strongly I posted it twice!

Mapleissweet · 20/10/2013 08:48

I think how he behaves around you at the dinner will be far more telling. He should be showing you off and be loving and attentive.

WipsGlitter · 20/10/2013 08:56

He should not be loving and attentive!! That would be puke making. He should be normal, in good form and happy but not loving and attentive. If I went round to someone's house and they were behaving like that with their wife I would think it very odd!

This is in the OPs mind so she's going to be analysing it from the perspective of a sleuth looking for 'clues' to something that's not there.

OP you said I was 'excited' about my friendship with my boss. You're projecting there again. I have a full and happy life, work is a small part of it. I don't want to be rude or turn this into a SAHM bash, but do you work? If you do can you not see male/female friendships in your own work?

Mapleissweet · 20/10/2013 09:00

Shouldn't all 'normal' dh be loving and attentive Confused

Mapleissweet · 20/10/2013 09:01

And I don't mean snogging the face of each other either...

FrightRider · 20/10/2013 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheAngryCheeseCracker · 20/10/2013 09:06

I hate it when married men ( or women) start avery close friendship with a member of the opposite sex.

It just isn't appropriate. Their closeness and specialness takes away from your own relationship with your husband.

Then they say it is YOU who is the problem, as you are jealous. WTF!

Such a standard script, so lacking in respect and sensitivity towards the partner.

Go ahead with the meal, but please please please do not drink any alcohol yourself ( claim you are feeling a bit headachy/coldy/ anything).

Really, do not drink! As the truth of your feelings will come out and wilk make you look pathetic, even though you are not

BooHissy · 20/10/2013 09:10

I think i'd be more concerned now if he STOPPED the Mentionitis.

Tricky situation, I can see both sides, but yes, i'd be uncomfortable with this.

Yama · 20/10/2013 09:10

OP - I don't think that the fact he would invite her into your house to meet you and your children means that he would not have an affair with her. I don't know why this happens but I've seen it before.

impty · 20/10/2013 09:17

You may be insecure, he may or may not be attracted to this woman.

But his behaviour isn't very sensitive to you is it? If the boot was on the other foot how would he feel?

Personally I would be unhappy with any friendship which infringed on my marriage, regardless of gender. There's a respect issue there.

Suzieismyname · 20/10/2013 09:19

What Charity and PA said...

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 09:24

It really isn't a SAHM thing. I work and I think it's inappropriate. I've got great friendships at work with married men and single men. We go drinking, we laugh, we have lunch, we talk. I just don't think it's appropriate to be over stepping a mark. My best mate at work is married, I'd never call him/ text at weekends etc. ill just see him at work. I do text my female colleagues though. I just think you need up be mindful of boundaries.

mammadiggingdeep · 20/10/2013 09:25

Yama....I agree. People having/ wanting affairs do strange things....

Delayingtactic · 20/10/2013 09:27

I don't know. I'm friends with mostly blokes at work (pretty male dominated area) and would be bloody pissed off if my DH got all antsy because a friend happened to have a penis.

I think I'm with the OP's DH here - I'd be pretty offended if my DH though I would start an affair just because someone was younger and attractive.

Op - you do seem pretty obsessed with looks. The way you talk about her DH is just rude and shallow. It just sounds like if you were faced with a young hot man you just couldn't help yourself.

Kaykat · 20/10/2013 09:29

Your H is having an emotional affair. My H was also like this with a much younger woman. He made sure he got friendly with her H. He wanted me to join them at social gatherings. I refused thank goodness. It wasn't long before he slept with her.

I'd be cancelling the dinner it will only add to their thrills and if she is loving to her H or he is loving to you that will tell you nothing. I'd be giving him an ultimatum, she gets out of his life or he can get out of yours and go get his sad thrills somewhere else where you don't have your nose rubbed in it constantly.

Housesellerihope · 20/10/2013 09:32

It's strange behaviour on his part but hopefully just a crush and hopefully he just feels flattered. On the other hand I think you're putting way too much focus on what people look like. It really isn't the case that just because you don't find her DH good looking that she's going to want to "trade up" and go for yours! My DH may not be gorgeous to other women for example but I wouldn't swap him for the world (or George Clooney or Brad Pitt or whoever). Peop,e marry for many reasons far beyond looks and life is not a modelling contest. Yes looks matter to a certain superficial extent but no rational normal people make major life decisions solely based on looks!

Bexicles · 20/10/2013 09:32

I would go ahead the meal as a way of neutralising any threat. Make an effort to chat with her and play with her dc. If she gets to know you she is less likely to get into bed with your DH (not that I think this is happening)
I think it's a school boy crush.
Good luck OP I hope this fizzles out.

noddyholder · 20/10/2013 09:36

I have make friends some youngerbadvwrk with all men do hae that banter-y type relationship with some. I don't get excited to see them though or plan clothes etc and have never 'dscussed' them with dp as it is such a non issue. This sounds dodgy to me but not sure why

noddyholder · 20/10/2013 09:37

Male friends some are younger (iPad)

MrsHoratioNelson · 20/10/2013 09:40

The point here for the DH is not the flirting or whether they are having an inappropriate relationship of some kind it's the fact that he refuses to acknowledge your feelings about it. A good husband would agree to rein it in because its upsetting you, however irrational you may be about it. So when he says he's not or would never do anything to hurt you, he's wrong.

Pinupgirl · 20/10/2013 09:49

I would also be very worried about this if I were you op. My dh once worked with a women and he used to go on about how nice she was but that he would never fancy her in a million years,blah,blah,blahHmm.

I strongly suspect he slept with her. In fact he actually told me he did once but then denied it and said he was only joking and drunkHmm

I cannot prove anything now as she left the firm years ago but I will always have that doubt in my mind.

I would be keeping a very close eye on this situation.

Branleuse · 20/10/2013 09:52

your husband doesnt have the boundaries that you need him to have.

He thinks he's immune to his feelings changing

WhoNickedMyName · 20/10/2013 09:53

I don't think you should go ahead with the dinner, the only reason being that you're going to spend the whole night watching your DH and his friend for 'clues' that something is going on, and analysing every minute of the evening for weeks to come.

If you carry on the way you are, you're going to make yourself ill.

You can't prove a negative, your DH can't prove that he's not up to anything with his friend.

You've snooped and snooped and by your own admittance haven't found anything untoward.

The only thing that's going to satisfy you here is if he cuts all contact and she's moved by work to the other side of the world.

saffronwblue · 20/10/2013 09:55

Watching with interest. At best, your DH is being naive in his excitement at a new friendship and taking you for granted. I think the idea of you co-opting the friendship by making it a couples/families event is not a bad one. Be warm and friendly to her and her DH, don't drink much and see how it all plays out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread