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Original poster

I've invited the OW for dinner - mistake?

460 replies

youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:05

Brief background, altho I have posted about this before - my husband has become good friends with a woman at work. They work in different offices in different parts of country but for same company. He trained her etc which is how they met and they meet up with work eveyr month or so. They share a hobby in common and always go to lunch or for drinks when she's across at his office. She's a lot younger than him and is really stunning looking. She is married with children (as are we!) I've been very jealous of her and anxious about how much hubby seems to like her. He emails her several times a day including when at home and basically none of it is work related, just chat. He said he likes her tons and they are good friends. I've snooped a lot and never found anything dodge but all the chat seems a bit flirty to me not because they are explicity flirting but because they so clearly like each other and bounce mails back and forth. Not texts as far as I can see although hubs says they chat on the phone at work a bit.

Anyway, I've met her a few times at social events but I've kind of snubbed her and not been very friendly. Confused Hubby mentioned that she and her husband and kids are coming to our area during half term to see friends and I've invited them all for dinner. I'm doing it as I want to see her and hubby together and I also want to get to know her. Feel if I can make it all 'above board' with us all friendly together, it will take any excitement out of it for them, or mamke it less likely to develop into something.

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?! I worry I'm facilitating something I should be shutting down. Should I cancel?

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteisback · 19/10/2013 22:38

Oh I'd have her to the lunch and I'd make it crystal clear that your DH is your DH and you value that relationship and if you ever suspected someone was undermining it you'd have their guts for garters. And I'd get her husband to agree to agree with you. I'd be quite blatant about it I think.

Leavenheath · 19/10/2013 22:38

See, the thing I'd be suspicious about would be if he wasn't at least honest about the risk this could present. I also hate it when men (or women for that matter) feel they have to denigrate a woman's looks. I mean, is he saying he'd feel differently if he thought she was 'that pretty'? Hmm.

It's hardly front-page news that new, consuming friendships are a bit intoxicating and sometimes make old connections look unappealing, nor is it unusual for friendships like this to morph into affairs.

So it's the faux naivety and innocence that would really stick in my craw.

Very disingenuous.

I think if this were me I'd share my concerns, refuse to accept my feelings were based on irrational jealousy and make it quite clear that if this developed into anything inappropriate, he would lose me. That makes the choices quite clear and puts the ball very firmly in his court.

I wouldn't think it was my job to police him or protect him from danger. That's down to him and if he screws up, he'll have to live with the consequences.

casacastille · 19/10/2013 22:43

He sounds like a lovesick teen, bouncing around asking you (his mum?!) what shirt he should wear for a first date.

Even if hasn't crossed any actual boundaries yet as far as you know (no dodgy content in emails, no private meetings), you are suspicious for a reason - they are clearly checking each other out and making each other feel good with their "we've got so much in common" chats, which is really not good for two married people.

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:47

I do think he has a crush. I don't think he's having an affair.

I don't know what to do. She's got the looks, the stuff in common, the job in common, they see each other regularly.

He's not technically doing anything wrong, but he likes her and I don't want him to!

When I've had a go about it (last time was when he was sitting with me in the evening and laughed out loud at something she'd said in an e-mail then started to read it to me and I freaked out. He was not at all accepting about how I felt, pointing out that I was also on my laptop IMing a female friend and had told him bits and bobs we were chatting about.

I think the truth is if she were a man I wouldn't be feeling any of this. It's because she's female and I can't see how she could not be a threat, but it's probably just me being stupid and jealous as they aren't actually doing anything wrong. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 22:49

Sorry got sidetracked there, was going to say that when I have had a go at him about her, he will not give an inch. He says he likes her, she's great and he really enjoys her company and conversation, but that he loves me and is committed and faithful to me and has never given me any cause to doubt that.

Going to sound mad but I almost want him to make an inappropriate comment to her that I find in an e-mail so I can pinpoint something?!

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 19/10/2013 22:50

Again, this is more about you. All other women are not "threats". It's really sad you think that.

Leavenheath · 19/10/2013 22:55

I don't think you are being stupid or unreasonably jealous. Maybe a bit daft thinking you can ward this off on your own Wink and also because it's entirely the wrong approach IMO.

He should be the one guarding his own fidelity, not you.

Fears are only irrational if there's a very small risk of something happening. I'd say there's a fairly big risk of something happening and it's not as if affairs are a rarity, are they?

Have you actually asked him how he intends to guard against this going too far? What measures and boundaries he'll put in place?

Or is he one of these fools who thinks as he's happily married, nothing could possibly happen with anyone else, so he'll blunder through and then get involved and claim he didn't know how the hell it happened?

Twinklestein · 19/10/2013 22:57

Did your husband want your teenage daughter to go & stay with this woman? Was that you?

It sounds like an embarrassing midlife crush on a much younger married woman who has no interest in him like that. He's probably excited that she even talks to him.

This event is potentially stressful for you, but it may show that this woman is really into her husband & is not interested in your husband like that at all.

I have a lot of male friends but I don't talk to any of them in a way that would concern their partners or mine.

casacastille · 19/10/2013 22:59

Wips She would be a lot less of a threat if this was an old, established friendship that had no sexual undertones. But it's not. She is a new acquaintance, and a younger attractive woman who is spending a lot of her time engaging OP's husband in feel-good chat.

Of course he's loving it, who wouldn't?! If they were single, he'd probably be asking her out.

This isn't about the OP, it's about how much time her H is suddenly investing in a woman that he is clearly interested in.

OP, Listen to Leavenheath

jynier · 19/10/2013 22:59

Hi, OP! How is your love life? A partner having an affair usually goes off sex...

QuintessentialShadows · 19/10/2013 23:00

I think you are doing the right thing.

So far, I am guessing he has met her in a work related setting. Seeing her and her husband and children may give a more realistic picture.

I hope her husband is a stunner. Then at least you can play his game and gush about him afterwards. Sad

I also think it might be worth asking her husband if HE is ok with the amount of correspondence between his wife and your husband.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/10/2013 23:01

"A partner having an affair usually goes off sex..."

Sometimes the opposite happens....

Leavenheath · 19/10/2013 23:01

That's a myth apparently. Some do, some don't. Some people want more sex because their appetite has been re-awakened.

cerealqueen · 19/10/2013 23:02

I'm worried now though as since they accepted the invite hubby has been bouncing around like an excited puppy. He even talked about what he's planning to wear?!

^ This^ I would not want to see my husband like this around another woman. Her husband won't like it either.

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 23:03

I've asked him how he's going to make sure it won't cross any lines and he says he finds this insulting and says that 'it just wont because I would never go there' and 'Neither of us think about the other one like that'. I just don't believe men are friends with young, attractive women and it doesn't cross their mind?! Especially as my hubby is a normal, hot blooded male who makes plenty of comments about attractive celebs etc and I've always been fine with that.

Our sex life is ok. Not swinging from the light fittings or anything but regular, no change to it, and he's keen.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 23:04

Based purely on this thread, I think he has a massive crush but doesnt want to admit it.

I doubt that it is reciprocated as she would be unlikely to accept an invitation to a couple date if it was (although I concede it is possibly, albeit unlikely).

If I was you I would have the dinner date and let him embarrass himself, as he will. Then have "the conversation" pointing out just how ridiculous he looked, how pissed off her husband was and how embarrassed she was. Assuming it does go that way of course, but I would bet a weeks wages that it does.

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 23:06

I've actually seen her husband thanks to stalking her through hubby's Facebook (yes I'm pathetic, I know) and he's not in her league. He has the benefit of being a LOT younger than my husband, but I think my husband is more attractive by far. She has young children though, who are also coming with them.

Interestingly, I've asked hubby how her hubby feels about the relationship and he says he's fine with it and that he gets on well with the hubby too.

Huby must have mentioned them coming here about 30 times so far since the invite was made.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 19/10/2013 23:08

That's disingenuous he's already crossed the line into a) focusing so much attention on her & b) offending you.

It doesn't have to be an affair to be 'too far'.

I think it's perfectly possible that she genuinely doesn't think of him like that. I'm hoping that's what you might find out at the dinner.

WipsGlitter · 19/10/2013 23:08

I'm sorry but you can't just tar everyone with the same brush. My friendship with my boss is new. There are NO sexual undertones. I'm ok looking as is he but we're happy in our relationships but it is just nice to go into work and have a laugh.

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 23:09

He is not in her league in what way? Looks?

What about personality, shared values, SOH, sexual compatibility? They wouldnt have children if they didnt share all of the above.

Let him make a dick of himelf. It was what cured me of a major crush, and fuck me was that excrutiating Blush

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 23:10

I think the dinner will be quite normal actually. My hubby has great company manners and I think will be warm and hospitable to them and sweet to the children and my boys are really good in company too. I'll be lurking more in the background I expect, although I do want to get a chance to chat to her and find out what's so bloody special about her, and also I want to observe the dynamic between her and my husband (although I think he'll rein it in in this scenario). I can't see it being awkward for anyone but me (and after hubby will say 'see? aren't they nice people?'

Oh maybe they are. Maybe I'm just a jealous idiot cos my hubby happens to have made friends with a hot young woman and I'm old and fat!

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 19/10/2013 23:10

OP you sound very insecure. Checking them both on Facebook??

Bogeyface · 19/10/2013 23:12

I think you should focus more on the dynamic between her and her DH rather than yours.

Is she nice to your DH because he is further up the career ladder, but gazes adoringly at her DH?

Original poster
youvegotmail · 19/10/2013 23:13

WipsGlitter Friendship with your boss is surely dangerous ground in other ways though? Fortunately hubby is not directly senior to this woman (he is senior but he is not her manager).

I didn't mean that OW and her hubby aren't compatible, I just mean that he is not very attractive so I can't do as one poster suggested and go on to hubby about him. They do look in love on their Facebook and she posts soppy stuff about him (looked over hubby's shoulder tonight actually and her status was about having a date night with her hubby and lots of

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 19/10/2013 23:13

Well I'd be more worried by his apparent naivety than anything else.

I'm sure everyone who ever had an affair at one time thought they'd never go there.

Nor is it 'insulting' to discuss what defences he'll put up to stop this getting out of hand. That's just pragmatism and not romantic twittery about how if you're happy in a relationship, you're immune to being tempted.

I'm very, very happy with my husband, but I've met quite a few men I'd have pursued something with if we'd been single. So I've been really careful about out of office contact or getting into situations where we've been on our own and alcohol was involved. I've also made a point of talking about my husband and kids, obviously in positive terms.

I'm married not dead and your husband's no different. Neither are you for that matter.