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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He was fucking lying...

205 replies

ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 15:46

Some users on here are going to say "I told you so" but I said I'd hold my hands up if I found out he was lying to me.

He cheated on me with my best friend. He looked me square in my face and told me afterwards it made him feel sick and he would cut all contact with her.

He's been telling her he loves her and he left me for her.

I am literally shaking with rage as I type this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 22:38

I didn't mean to imply anything that offended you Boo, I'm sorry.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 16/10/2013 22:40

Do you think you can manage the plan that Scary and I suggested then, love?

It means no personal contact and the point of it is to break your addiction to him, while sending a positive message to him that this is over.

Can you do that?

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 22:48

I don't know....being honest...I don't know...I want to be able to. In strong moments I feel like I can. But right now I feel wretched again...my eyes hurt from crying.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 22:48

You didn't offend Hissy, Scarlet.

She is sayign what you are saying yourself. There is no justification for fucking someone else up, no matter how fucked up you are yourself. Ever.

My childhood was not the best (documented on here, in brief and very sporadically). My mother stayed with an emotionally abusive man who started with er and then moved onto his kids. She is still with him, still pandering to him. he has mellowed a little with age, but his core attitudes remain. He was damaged by his own father before him.

I made a vow I would be the opposite of everything my father stood for. I mostly manage it.

BooHissy · 16/10/2013 22:49

Oh no, not offended at all! I just wanted you to see that his abuse was no excuse to do as he did to you!

It is so easy to try to look for a reason they do what they do to us. in the absence of reason, they would be monsters, and then how big a fool does that make US?

You have every right to try to make sense out of this, but HE is the one choosing to cheat, lie and generally fuck up your life.

YOU however get to choose who you have in yours.

What he has done is his choice and none of it reflects on us for a second. If anything we are to be lauded to giving these inadequates more of a chance in life than anyone else would!

You need distance to gain decent perspective and to realise how much better life is when you don't have him to mess it all up.

Remember when you thought he was going to go in hospital, so would be out of your hair? Well get rid of him (as he utterly deserves) and you can feel like that AND BETTER, every day!

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 22:52

Cry as much as you need to. Get it all out. Rise from the ashes like the woman you want to be. Like the example you can be for your daughter. You can do it. Stay away from him. Cold turkey. Do not allow him to talk you round. Cut him right off, he doesn't deserve your head space.

cjel · 16/10/2013 22:53

scarlet, the strong moments that you can even consider it are good, even if you don't do it yet, Every good thing starts with a vision.also remember when my eyes felt they couldn't open because they were so swollen with the cryingSad
Maybe time to go to bed if your feeling bad again.? tiredness doesn't help positivity.x

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 22:54

It hurts so much, the day we got married I thought it was forever, I'm just a broken shell of a person now...

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 16/10/2013 22:55

Enacting the plan doesn't mean you'll stop hurting, or grieving you know. Nothing and no-one can halt that- it just has to be gone through.

But if you take this bloke back, you'll be hurting and grieving just the same because of what he's done and if you don't take him back but keep seeing or speaking to him, that grief and hurt keeps getting interrupted only to resume and then take much longer to work itself through your system.

Think Scary used the phrase Cold Turkey. That's accurate, but you won't be alone if you get some help with it- and no-one least of all you should expect yourself to be weaned off him overnight.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 22:58

I don't want him back...I just don't know if I'm ready to stop worrying about him and trying to help him yet. I know the relationship is fucked, but I still want to help him. Why the fuck IS that after everything he's done?

OP posts:
crazynanna · 16/10/2013 22:58

Oh fuck scarlet I am so sorry. Really sorry.
You know where I am >

cjel · 16/10/2013 22:59

its like picking a scabSad it won't get better while you pick it you have to give it chance to healx

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 23:00

Think of it like this. You have been constantly shielding him from the consequences of his actions. Cutting him loose will help him in the end, because he will have to own his decisions and his behaviour.

There is no better lesson than that.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 23:09

You're right ScaryFucker

I hope it does help him. Think I'm going to take the laptop to bed...don't feel like sleeping yet but maybe getting comfy in the dark will help.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 23:22

I had a really random weird "I'm going to be totally OK" moment then...not sure where that came from. Something silly like playing stupid facebook games in bed and thinking...I can do what the fuck I like now can't I?

OP posts:
MillyMillyMe · 16/10/2013 23:28

Go You Scarlet you will be fine. Just give yourself time to go through it all.

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 23:29
Smile

Savour those little moments. They will come faster and closer together over the next few weeks/months. You have your own little family, you and DD. You don't need a fuckwitted individual spoiling it.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 23:33

I will...I feel shit again now. Knowing I can have those moments spurs me on though.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 23:39

< nods >

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 17/10/2013 00:15

FFS...I've started skin picking again...time to try and get some sleep.

Thanks so much for everyone's support. You really don't know how much it means x

OP posts:
MillyMillyMe · 17/10/2013 00:51

Scary your nods do make me smileSmile

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/10/2013 01:16

You can have lots & lots of those moments now :) You and DD can live a 'lighter' life, she will grow up in a much less stressful home - do this for HER, even if you can't do it for you just now.

It is hard to let go of someone, even when they have treated you really, really badly... love doesn't stop just because they act like a bastard, especially if they had a terrible childhood etc. However, even when you can't change your feelings, you can always change your actions - do what you know you have to do and fake it until you make it feelings wise. It's hard and I wouldn't be back there for all the money in the - but you will come out of the otherside of this and you will wonder why you put up with it for so long.

Anytime you feel your resolve is low - look at your DD and ask yourself if you would want her to be in the relationship you are in - if you stay with him, the chances are she will end up in a relationship much the same :( I know that's not what you want for her, so you have to follow this through. Be strong.

Brew
PerpanddickchewerVince · 17/10/2013 05:22

The fact that he's lied and patronised you giving such lame excuses is all you need to know, he doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve all this crap.

You can get through this, and you will move on.

lazarusb · 17/10/2013 09:18

Those moments are the seeds of what you can make of your life and yourself. They will become bigger and stronger. Of course you can't just turn your feelings off but, once you have grieved, you will begin to see the lights at the end of the tunnel.

cjel · 17/10/2013 11:10

Morning, Glad you had a glimpse of peace last night, Hope you got good sleep and feel ok this morningx