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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He was fucking lying...

205 replies

ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 15:46

Some users on here are going to say "I told you so" but I said I'd hold my hands up if I found out he was lying to me.

He cheated on me with my best friend. He looked me square in my face and told me afterwards it made him feel sick and he would cut all contact with her.

He's been telling her he loves her and he left me for her.

I am literally shaking with rage as I type this.

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ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 20:22

I can see the logic...I just can't feel it. Why am I like this, I just feel broken,

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ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 20:25

I am not a stupid person so why am I being like this? If it was one of my friends in this position, I'd be saying what you're all saying. Is this what it's like when you're stuck in an abusive relationship?

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ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 20:25

Is this how you want your life to be, and that of your daughter ?

All this drama ? Fighting, lying, getting arrested, doubt, anguish ?

You can stop it. It is within your power when you take it back for yourself. It's your choice.

cjel · 16/10/2013 20:27

The best thing I think to do is to take things very slowly and make no decisions until you have to. Take it one step at a time, what you have to do tonight, in the morning, after lunch etc. when you are ready you will know what you want to do. Don't worry or over think and most importantly don't expect his companionship or support live your life as if you will never have that again.
It is hard, crap and heartbreaking but in the long run we are happier if you can think of it sooner rather than later, but the mos important is to really be aware of what you want and need and the pace you want to go at.x

Leavenheath · 16/10/2013 20:28

What you do is withdraw and look on.

If you relent now and take him back, it will be the worst mistake you ever make.

Withdraw, stop him coming to the house, communicate by e mail only and then just about contact arrangements- and if you can get someone else to do the handovers for a while, all the better.

Watch what he does. Meanwhile, grieve and start creating a single life.

ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 20:29

No...I can't live like this. I just don't know how to stop the feelings. I can't HELP worry about him. I can't stop it. I wish I could just hate him.

I'm such a peaceful passive person and I KNOW for a fact DD would be better off without all this. I need to be strong for her, but I don't feel strong. I feel like I'm failing her.

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lazarusb · 16/10/2013 20:34

Yes it is. Even despite all the horrible abuse my ex subjected me to, there were times leading up to me leaving when I wondered how we'd got there. I kept thinking about good times. When we had things to look forward to. About how the one person I wanted to be there for me is the last person who would be there.

It's shit and it really hurts. I'm glad you're eating a bit though, you do need to take care of yourself. I'm also glad you don't like chick flicks (although I'm scared of anything vaguely horrifying!).

You're not really there yet but you'll feel the anger soon. When you do it will make a difference. You'll start to disassociate and move away from him emotionally. Offload here though, there are many people here who will support you through this and onwards.

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 20:35

You have to fake it until you make it.

Go Cold Turkey No Contact

It's the only way. You won't listen to any advice though while you are making yourself part of the drama

choose to walk away from it

You are not powerless. He's just a man. A really fucking rubbish one. He is not worth this.

ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 20:36

I was angry earlier, it was helping me. Now I've seen him and he's put doubt in my head again I'm so confused. I just don't know who or what to believe. It's making me question other friendships. I tend to isolate myself when I'm depressed and I get very paranoid...well this is making that worse.

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ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 20:37

I just didn't ever think, despite all his faults, that he could ever do this to me. I thought his love was real.

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ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 20:37

I don't think you are being paranoid.

ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 20:44

I just mean, I don't like to talk to people because I worry about opening up to them. I know I'm not being paranoid about this, but I've always been a nervous paranoid person, and this has just reinforced that because now I know that sometimes that voice needs to be listened to.

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ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 20:57

You have talked to us. We have listened. We will carry on listening if you want us to. And if you want advice, we will give you that too. Whether you take it or not.

Albert27 · 16/10/2013 20:58

Hey there. I remember all your posts and you have bent over backwards to help this man... and I'm struggling to call him that to be honest.

You were so strong when you told him enough was enough. And enough is still ENOUGH.

This man is destroying your sanity and robbing you of your self esteem. Tell him to back the fuck off!!

None of us like to think the people we love want to hurt us but HE IS hurting you, my lovely.

Someone once said we only get the love we think we deserve - could have been a cheesy romcom could have been bloody gandi- but you deserve a damn sight better. You just need to start believing that. So right now it is all about you and your DD.

Try to move away from the details of his lies and just realise he is a liar and a cheat. And there is no room for that kind of man or individual in your life. Remind yourself what you would advise others in this situation.

You can get this toxic man out of your life. And you will. X

cjel · 16/10/2013 20:59

I am 2 years down the line and still don't have anger or hate for H. You don't have to be angry or hateful to spilt up. You can still love him and care for him, but you don't have to listen to him or live with him, Don't be so hard on yourself and don't think you have to do things in a certain way.xx

ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 21:00

I respect your posts so much ScaryFucker, I always read them and think "yes! that's right!". It's hard when it's your own life. I feel like I don't deserve better and I don't know why. I know I'm a pretty fucking amazing person (without sounding big-headed )...but knowing something and feeling it aren't the same thing. I'm waiting for counselling at the moment, I'm hoping it'll help. I sought it before all this, just on a waiting list.

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ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 21:03

I just feel lost. I haven't been single since I was 15 and I'm now 30. I got with DH very quickly after my ex. I'm terrified. I don't even know who I am.

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ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 21:06

It's so easy for someone on the outside to say what would be best for you to do. Keyboard warriors and all that.

There is no way to dress it up though. If someone told you that you can work through this, that everything would be ok, that he is just a troubled man you wouldn't believe them. You know this in your head. Your heart will take longer to catch up.

But is has to...or what is the alternative ? You live like this, waiting for the next axe to fall on your head. You are right, that is not fair on your dd.

cjel · 16/10/2013 21:08

I was having counselling when H got OW and it carried me through. I am 54 and we were together since 16, I was going to counselling to find out who I was! Remember doing a course and one of the tasks was to look at who were and what we did for fun. I cried I was 50 years old and didn't know what I did for fun, I am learning and it is so peaceful being me, I remember reading somewhere that it we live as we were created to be its easy but if we try and live as someone else wants us to be then its always hard. It is a wobbly time when you are not sure but wonderful as you start to step out and learnx

ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 21:10

It's not. She's amazing and has been my rock for me these last few days. She's young enough to not remember all this shit. but I don't want it affecting her, the way DH's childhood affected him. I'm not justifying his behaviour, but I don't think anyone could go through what he did and not be fucked up in the head. However he needs to take ownership of that and deal with his fucking problems. You can get away with as a troubled teen, but at some point you need to say "No! I will not let this define who I am!"

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ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 21:11

30 is soooo young. You are one third through your life. It's a cliche, and must be really fucking annoying to have it pointed out to you.

But you owe it to yourself to use the next two thirds in the best way possible. And that means not allowing a man like this to bring you so low.

cjel · 16/10/2013 21:11

Yes thats so right, also you can still love and understand why he is like he is without letting it ruin you.

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ScaryFucker · 16/10/2013 21:14

Being fucked up in the head is absolutely no justification for fucking someone else up the head. Particularly your own child. The sins of the fathers...etc

Your dd witnessing how this is destroying her mummy is going to fuck her up in the head. And on it goes, because she is going to know in a few years exactly what you would be sacrificing to stay with a man like this

Get out and stay out before it gets to that point

ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 21:15

You're right cjel. I've tried so hard to help him. I've tried at the expense of my own mental health and I can't do it any more.

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ScarletLady02 · 16/10/2013 21:16

It's not a justification, you're right.

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