Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 08/12/2013 06:14

Glad to hear work's going ok.
4:30 is way too early though - I hope that phase passes quickly!

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 09/12/2013 11:07

Tough times at the moment - baby has a nasty cold and was really unsettled all weekend and I only got 2 hours sleep last night. I am so so tired and hope he sleeps better tonight.

I was quite cheered up though to receive a lovely "MN secret santa" package on Friday, it made DS1 and DD very happy Grin

Feeling very self doubty and I hope I can manage all this.

Anyway, on a positive note, I chatted to a lady who works here, she is expecting twins early next year and is by herself too. I have said, and I hope that this is ok with everyone, that I will pass on a lot of the clothes that baby C has outgrown, and his moses basket and anything else I can think of. She has no financial support at all so will be coming back to work full time as well. I hope that those who sent things to me for the baby are ok with this? She has such a lot to cope with by herself, and with expecting twins as well!

It is good to talk really isn't it.

OP posts:
springythatlldofornow · 11/12/2013 09:34

phew that's tough, I hope dear Caspian is over the worst now and you've managed to get some decent sleep.

Glad you've found a friend waves. Well, not glad that she's up against it but, as you say, it's good to talk, good to share with someone else who is also beleaguered. (Have I put that right?) She's going to be needing allsorts when the time comes and I'm sure MNers will be glad that all the stuff is going to a new home.

Hope things calm down for you all soon waves xxxx

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 11/12/2013 18:43

Sorry to hear about the cold. Sleep deprivation makes everything so much worse. I hope he's better soon and you have a better night.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 23/12/2013 19:34

It's nearly christmas.... I've managed to catch a horrible chest infection and am on antibiotics. Went into wok anyway today but after a couple of hours I was "persuaded" to go home. Fingers crossed I'm better for Christmas, not that much is planned, I just want to have the happiest possible memories.

I am now loving my new job, and the baby is once again sleeping beautifully through the nights. As of January he will become one of the "jet set"... I'm required to spend a couple of nights in Europe for meetings at head office and as I'm breastfeeding still they have said it's ok for the baby to come along. My bigger two will stay at a friends so that's sorted at least. I am doing ridiculous hours already, had to cut a meeting short when it was nearing 7 as I explained that I would start leaking if I didn't leave immediately to feed the baby. Usually I leave on time and spend some time in the evening working on the laptop that I've been provided with. That helps a lot.

Oh, also he was Christened last week. He was so good! He seemed a bit fractious so i subtly fed him and he pretty much slept through the whole baptism. Twunt and all his family were there, I was pleased as they aren't at all remotely religious, so it was good that the effort was made to be there for his special day.

I'm almost done with wrapping presents and looking forward to the excitement of tomorrow night, and the smiles on Christmas morning. And just a week later a whole new year begins and I'm absolutely sure it will be FAR better than 2013!

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 23/12/2013 20:24

Merry Xmas Waves and to your DCs! Have been a long time lurked on your threads, I hope 2014 brings you wonderful things Thanks

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 23/12/2013 21:01

Happy Christmas, Waves!
Sorry to hear you're ill - hope you get better quickly.
Thrilled to hear you're loving your new job.
I am certain 2014 will be a great year for you!

auntpetunia · 23/12/2013 22:27

Here's to a fabulous first Christmas for Caspian and a happy and peaceful Christmas for you and your DC. Hope the antibiotics kick in and you enjoy the holiday.

captainmummy · 24/12/2013 16:01

Happy Christmas Waves and your dc! Glad you are enjoying the job, and things are getting a bit easier.

Yes, good riddance to 2013!

WingDefence · 24/12/2013 16:11

Happy Christmas to you waves and the whole family! Xmas Grin

offloadingthisshit · 25/12/2013 00:45

Waves,

I haven't read all of what has happened to you but some of it. 2013 has been a shit year for me too. I too will be visiting the clap clinic between Xmas and New Year because my 'D'P cheated on me (with a bipolar alcoholic who, apparently, does not know men are fucking her).

My 'D'P has treated me like shit this past year and I have always rationalised his behaviour because of whatever else was going on in our lives at the time. Suffice to say I believe he is in self-destruct mode but he is not taking me down with him.

The recent revelation (about the cheating) is the final straw for me because I have worked for 3 years to qualify in a job where I cannot have a blood born virus. Of course, infecting an unborn baby is far worse but, really, it has to be the final straw.

I too have invested my time energy and love in a person who does not value me or the compromises I have continually made. It is fucking heartbreaking! I realise that he will always be a part of your life because of the baby but you really do deserve better, as do I.

I am just replying to say I sort of understand what you have been through to a degree, obviously my situation is very different as there is no baby involved, but to hang on in there and be strong because far better things are around the corner for you.

2014 is the year not to take the shit from the past with you, onwards and upwards, there is only forwards and no going back.

Thinking of you :-)

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 29/12/2013 18:43

Thanks for your messages. Heartbreaking is exactly the right word.

I'm now starting my new year detox early. I've told Twunt I want no contact. We've agreed he can take the baby for a couple of hours each Saturday morning, I'll have a change bag, the car seat and a bottle for him to take. Now that's agreed there's no need at all for any contact.

It still amazes me that he has this power to hurt me so much, so detox is the only way forward. If necessary this time I will actually change my phone number.

2014 has to be better than 2013, I can't imagine it could possibly be worse!!!

(And right now I'm feeling so sad and like I miss him, and I don't want to be alone, but I know I am only missing the idea of who I thought he was.)

Nothing wrong with STILL crying about all this is there?

OP posts:
stargirl04 · 29/12/2013 23:04

Waves, there is nothing wrong with crying still, for you are grieving, and it will take time to get over this. Grieving is not a linear process, therefore there will be times when you feel strong and times when you feel tearful. Cry all the times you can until there are no more left. To feel is to heal.

Happy new year to you honey, and hugs. x x xx

stargirl04 · 29/12/2013 23:05

Sorry, I meant to say "cry all the tears you can until there are none left".
D'oh! It's late and I am tired, Smile

WingDefence · 30/12/2013 21:15

That sounds really positive waves. And of course your heart has been broken and Christmas and the whole retrospective nature of new year makes everything seem so much worse.

Please try to look forward to 2014 and decide how you want to move on Wine

shallowkitty · 30/12/2013 23:21

Hope u feel better soon and 2014 will be better :)

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 03/01/2014 15:25

Happy new year everyone. I am trying to be positive, but the first part of 2014 will be tough. In just over a week I sign the affidavit for the Provisional Order of Divorce, and then 32 days after that the final order should go through. The day after I sign for the Provisional Order, I am flying off to Switzerland with the baby, and one of my lodgers is coming with me to look after him whilst I am in work meetings. I am really pleased she is giving up the time, although I have to pay the flights etc as whilst I explained I cannot go without the baby as I am still breastfeeding, they were not prepared to help by sorting out child care or paying for someone to help. Next time I am asked I will try to be a bit stronger on the point, as it is a big chunk out of my salary.

It is pretty tiring, I am never home before 6, after leaving at 8am (although every other Monday we have to be in work for 7am), and usually it is closer to 6.30. Then it is straight into bathing the baby, then chasing the big two to get bathed whilst I feed the baby, then settle the baby to bed, then get DD to bed then half an hour later get DS1 to bed. And then I have to think about packed lunches, uniforms, tea for me, and then get the laptop out to do some work from home on work stuff.

On this Sunday I actually have to sleep at DM's house overnight as I need to leave for work at 6.45am, and there is no one to get to my house early enough to look after the children etc before school/nursery, so the only way around is for us all to go and sleep there. NOT relishing that idea.

I don't think I realized quite how hard it would be!

In order to try and do something for me, I am performing tonight though, just a short set as part of a big acoustic night, so I am braving the wet and windy weather to take myself out for that. My lodger is babysitting for me Smile

I am back to a full complement of lodgers again as well, so I have 3 other adults in the house but this time they are all really lovely, so hopefully that will continue.

Still crying a lot. Not sure when I will ever get over this.... Every night, putting the baby to bed by myself, and feeling like I am not enough, letting down DS1 and DD by having so little time for them, I can't help but think how it could have been different.

OP posts:
springysofa · 03/01/2014 20:06

I heard something on women's hour about the work/life balance being the top cause of anxiety. I admit I only heard it with half an ear because I was MNing but it does seem to be right up there in the anxiety stakes.

But if you think about it, what are the alternatives? You are new at this job and you'll be able to fine-tune it as you go along, carving out time for you and your family. It's shocking that they weren't prepared to foot the childcare bill and, yes, perhaps you could get more forthright on that - it's not as if you didn't explain the bf-ing etc to them when you took the job, which they accepted. It does seem in life that one has to carve out what one wants, it's not going to be offered.

As for wanker, it sounds like you've had a bit of contact with him, which prolongs the agony, really. You will get over this - you said yourself you have a lot of love to give - was it Nelson Mandela who said we are made to love not to hate (I'm sure I've got that quote wrong but you get the gist). Mind you, I think hate is not far off love - it is indifference that is the polar opposite - and imo 'hate' is an important part of healing when we have been seriously wounded.

You will get over this. You have done so much waves to bring as much goodness into your childrens' lives as possible - good people around you (lodgers), good money coming in, a good role model for your children. It's how we manage crises that makes the biggest mark, not the crisis itself, and you, my dear, could not have done it better. Really, pat yourself on the back. You may well be tired because last year couldn't have been more full-on but you will rally. As well as a lot of love, you have a lot of energy ie resourcefulness. It's winter and that's always a downer but soon it will be spring. HOld on lovely, keep going, look after yourself xxxxx

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 04/01/2014 11:57

You have a lot on your plate - your job sounds very demanding and even without work, looking after three kids is tough!
So be gentle with yourself.

BodminPill · 12/02/2014 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

petalsandstars · 13/02/2014 05:14

waves

I am not trying to make you feel guilty but I remember something that you posted that your DD said when you found the strength to kick out the shitbag

"No more daddies please" or words to that effect

You are worth far more than he will ever deserve and the baby needs a much better role model. Reach out to your lovely local friends and set yourself free again please. He is a ea tosser.

captainmummy · 13/02/2014 20:11

H waves I often think of you and wonder how you are getting on. Please don't feel that you've disappointed us - we're here to help.
Maybe time for that move to Scotland/Surrey? :)

tobethatis · 16/02/2014 20:17

waves I wish i could reach out in person and give you a big hug! and wish i lived closer to you too! you are not alone in this world even though you may feel it ... pm me anytime

tobethatis · 16/02/2014 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 17/02/2014 17:22

I'm in a pretty bad place....I am reaching out for some support really.

About to start my usual evening routine of leaving work, collecting children, returning home, doing dinners, teaching, baths, bed, feeding baby etc.

But things are truly dreadful. I have been a total idiot. I did sort of open up on another thread, but I really need hands to hold and someone to give me a boot up the backside.

I'm not "with" twunt. He has his own home, I have mine (shared with the lodgers who are all great), but somehow I let him get under my skin and I have made myself actually ill. I have allowed myself to believe that I am a horrible disgusting person. It is hideous. I need someone to help me be strong and fully break away from this toxic relationship, and set my boundaries once and for all.

I will post more later, once I am home and have my little tribe settled and sleeping.

OP posts: