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DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

(995 Posts)
wavesandsmiles Wed 01-May-13 11:50:43

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

RugBugs Wed 01-May-13 11:57:16

Waves I'm not surprised you sometimes find it overwhelming. Any single one of the things you've got going on would be enough for anybody. I'm in awe of how well you and your DCs are doing.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 01-May-13 12:10:30

You are doing so well to keep the show on the road single-handed despite daily hospital visits, feeling lousy with HG, etc. I love the 'acrobat' by the way - excellent name for a wriggly bump!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 01-May-13 12:14:56

<reaches out to hold hand>

Well done. I remember your thread. What a twunt he has been.

You have achieved so much. I am glad you have found a lodger as I seem to remember your stbXH was using the mortgage to worry you into submission.

Well done. I agree with a diary. Writing is therapeutic.

BookieMonster Wed 01-May-13 12:17:09

I'm good at handholding and I'm in Oz so around when everyone else is asleep! flowers

angel1976 Wed 01-May-13 13:32:08

waves I didn't post on your last thread, I tend to lurk but I was just wondering about you the other day and how things panned out for you. I am so glad you seem to be holding up so strong. Do you know you can get counselling on the NHS? I didn't until I read it on these boards. It might help you work through some of the pain you are going through.

P.S. I am going through a similar situation (my DH upped and left less than a month after telling our marriage has been s* for a few years, news to me!) but I am getting through it and feel mich stronger than a month ago. My boys are keeping me going and the support of my friends have been invaluable. Don't worry about asking for help, seriously, you can always repay your friends later on. Best of luck! smile

WobblyHalo Wed 01-May-13 14:10:14

Waves, you are the reason I delurked.

I followed your entire thread right until the last post and then you dissapeared. And because I had only been a lurker, I knew no-one would point me in your direction to see how you are.

So I've slowly started posting here and there in order to build up my 'credibility' and also look out for you.

Your story resonated with me because my sister was going through the exact same thing. Much planned for second baby and her husband decided that he didn't love her any more and dumped her whilest about 15 weeks pregnant. Even tried to buy her off, and also telling her that she must give the new baby (a boy) to him and she can keep their first child - a girl. It was horrendous.

They are now trying again to sort their marriage out, although I know he will let her down again. She is just not strong enough to see it now while she is pregnant.

You on the other hand have been amazing. I am so in awe of your strength, eventhough I'm sure you can't see it now.

You have done the right thing to go twunt free and I am routing for you and little acrobat and your other children too! You deserve so much more and you will be fabulous. Just believe in yourself.

Always here xxxx flowers

EmilyNugent Wed 01-May-13 14:20:36

How weird. I've been a lurker for a long time too, Wobbly, but am now starting to spout forth!

I remember your thread, Waves, and it's lovely to hear from you. You are doing the right thing and we're all right behind you. Come here any time and we will keep backing you up with positive vibes!

WobblyHalo Wed 01-May-13 14:43:39

<waves at Emily> grin

WobblyHalo Wed 01-May-13 14:45:01

I've just discovered smileys too.

Waves, you got my first bunch of flowers!

wavesandsmiles Wed 01-May-13 15:52:56

Oh, it's lovely that some of you remember me, and that I got first flowers!

I'm having such a wobbly afternoon. I stupidly looked at me and twunt's early emails and fb messages and they are so loving and he is so wonderful sounding in them. It's like I want to forget the dreadful things he has said and done and go back to how things were. And not be all on my own in this. I have to go to hospital every day for IV fluids and medication which is draining. And as my bump gets bigger it's harder to get everything done round the house. I need not to contact him, but it's such a temptation.

I've managed to sell something else today though (he's not helping at all financially) so the money can go into the baby pot. It's again utterly beyond where I thought I'd be, rooting through the house finding bits I can sell so I have a little financial buffer. As he won't pay any maintenance without going through court, so I don't know how long after my little acrobats arrival we will have to manage without that.

Trying to muster together all my survival instincts. I'm sure it will be ok, just feels lonely so all these hands to hold are much appreciated.

tightfortime Wed 01-May-13 15:57:44

Hi waves,

I delurked to post one of my first for you back in January so you clearly have that effect on people!

Glad to hear acrobat is doing well but wish you were feeling a bit better physically.

However I'm thrilled the twunt is gone and the detach has started. Don't forget you will go through a whole wave of various emotions now.

Relief mainly.

Don't stress about babs, these things always find a way of working out and sure, you've a gagle of virtual godvipers godmothers on here to help out.


tightfortime Wed 01-May-13 15:58:33

Oh and that baby pot? Use it to get a solicitor. Fast.

mistlethrush Wed 01-May-13 16:00:38

Waves - remember, that was all a fictional character that he was inventing for you - what he has done since has shown his true colours. Keep up with the non-contact - you're doing so well!

AndMiffyWentToSleep Wed 01-May-13 21:44:47

Hi Waves, I've been following since your first thread and all through your other one too. It it so impressive to see how much you've organised in terms of lodgers etc in such a short time. It would be impressive even if you didn't have hyperemesis, but really, you're incredible!
I also think your coping amazingly in an emotional sense, although of course that will be slower progress and more up and down - you are still incredible, though!
I've been meaning to delurk to ask if you'd pm me your wishlist?

WingDefence Wed 01-May-13 21:52:47

Hi waves. I can't believe he's checked out of this situation financially as well as emotionally and romantically sad When it does come to CSA etc, do they backdate it otherwise can you get the ball rolling now so it's all in place as soon as the acrobat arrives?

Much love brew

wispa31 Wed 01-May-13 23:53:58

im a lurker too, though posting more. i remember your thread also and wondered how you have been doing.
wrt to csa - you cant make an application until your little acrobat arrives, then once you do they will start charging him for maintenance from the date they contact him to advise you have made a claim. thats either the date they speak to him on the phone, or if they cant reach him by phone they post the enquiry form to him and the date they post it will be used instead to set the effective date of the intial assessment.
its usually around 12 weeks from making a claim to 1st assessment completed so he would be charged for those weeks waiting for assessment.

WobblyHalo Thu 02-May-13 05:30:34

Waves, it's okay to feel down. You"ve been through A LOT. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

Have you been able to get more help in rl? I know you were so busy with you music that you had little time for friends.

And your mum? I know she was useless not very helpfull to begin with. How is she now?

Just take it one day at a time. We are here for you. I wish I could jump on a plane and be there for you, but I'm on the other side of the world. (Am planning on winning the lottery soon though and promise that I will be putting it to good use when I do wink.

In the meantime, I'm here holding your hand xxx

auntpetunia Thu 02-May-13 08:09:09

Wobbling allowed! Probably a good idea to delete all his play acting texts and emails, because that's what he was doing.

Don't wait for acrobat to be born approach the CSA now and get all the information in place so that you can claim as soon as he's born,don't let Twunt get away with not paying.

Keep asking for RL support and in the meantime there are loads of us here for hand holding across the internet. You have and are doing so well you need to believe it. Get your lovely notebook and highlighters out and you'll see how well you're doing.

wavesandsmiles Thu 02-May-13 08:47:54

Thing is, I don't want to delete all the texts and emails. Everyone, and I mean everyone, that I know, said they have never known me so happy as I was when I met my husband, and we got married. I've had such a rough time with my exH, and with my mum (detox from her happening too at the moment), and part of me wants to hang on to it all. I'm still struggling, to be honest, to cope with the idea that it was all play acting. I am not sure that it was, maybe he just lacks maturity, and couldn't cope with the reality of blended families and a new baby, and an ill wife? And part of me thinks that I have massively overreacted to all of this.

I want to be happy again like I was sad

I have a homestart volunteer coming round this morning to help with bits so I will see if she can find out about the child maintenance issue for me. The less I need to do practically, the better for me, for acrobat and for my DCs. Then off to hospital, and then school run, then a friend is coming with her DCs after school so the children can play, and we can have a natter.

auntpetunia Thu 02-May-13 09:03:57

Oh sweetheart you haven't overly reacted that's what's been drummed into you by the witch and even ExH just read back your very first thread on here and remember what he said …your title was something like "told me he doesn't love me " that was the truth, he wanted you to have a late abortion whilst texting OW that your marriage was over! That's the real him not the storytelling in your early messages and texts. Stop making excuses for him "lacks maturity " "couldn't cope with blended family " NO IT'S COZ HE'S A SELFISH BULLYING EGOTISTICAL BASTARD! And when you wouldn't follow his way he showed his true colours. And remember other people in RL agree.

I understand wanting to keep them in a way but you have to realise it's like picking a scab you just make detox harder for

auntpetunia Thu 02-May-13 09:06:03

Sorry that's come across like a teacher shouting at you grin didn't mean to have[flowers ]

auntpetunia Thu 02-May-13 09:06:43


Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 02-May-13 09:22:49

Wowy, I read your first thread. Sounds like your doing so well, you've got him out the house. I can't believe he wants you to take him to court for maintenance for the child he wanted. What a spineless arse.

As for the old messages, they are a sign of the person he was and the promises he made to you & your family. You'll get to the point where you feel able to delete them.
I'm so pleased you've popped back on to update, I was only thinking of you the other day xxxx

mistlethrush Thu 02-May-13 10:53:29

"Couldn't cope with a blended family" - he went out of his way to make sure his children behaved awfully to you Waves - and would not even keep them moderately quiet when you were so ill in the house. That is not 'not coping' that is blatant abuse. (Sorry, but you do need to be reminded of that).

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