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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

springybuffy · 29/09/2013 01:30

See that fishing rod? See him swinging it through the air and ... CATCH. Got her again. Now reel her in... and fuck her over even worse than before.

I'm sorry to be blunt Sad

Dear, lovely woman, you are not the first and won't be the last to be reeled in by someone like this. He is a very sick and very dangerous man. Tribpot's posts are excellent - I absolutely agree that YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM.

If you were an alcoholic, would you work in a pub? It wouldn't matter how well your recovery was going, how resolute you were, you'd fall. You need to get away from him - he will reel you in again and again. He knows how to do it, it's successful every time. The only thing to do is get away so he isn't within arms reach with his charm and his care and his sweet texts and his concern and his SHIT Angry

I'm so sorry this car crash is happening to you. I hope Caspian is ok, and of course you are ok, too. This man knew he could infect your baby - the baby he wanted to abort. At a late stage, remember? Why would he want to do that?

He knew you were pregnant when he had sex with you (I assume he was having sex with a very sick woman, half dead with hideous hyperemesis). He knew he could very likely infect you and he knew he could infect your baby. Now he tells you because he has 'to be honest'. Shame he couldn't have been honest at the time, eh. I don't want to paint the full horrific picture waves. Just get away from him - please.

violetshoes · 29/09/2013 02:45

I have lurked on your previous threads and I agree with FrancescaBell. I'd like to add, please consider having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I think you could really benefit from it.

You have had a lifetime of abuse from your 'D'M which has trained you into thinking you have no worth and therefore attract men who treat you that way. It's a vicious circle which you have to break. CBT will help you do this.

You are a lovely person and I wish you (and your children) all the very best. If you put some of the energy you expend on making cakes, getting fabulous jobs and all the other amazing stuff you do, you will soon be on the right track.

Can also recommend moving, once you have had CBT. Then you can reinvent yourself as someone worthy of love who won't take any crap from anyone; men, people wanting you to perform at their weddings when your baby is 2 days old, lodgers, your bloody M.

Time to get cracking.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 29/09/2013 09:26

Thank you all for posting, it helps so much. I'm definitely going to do CBT, I did it years and years ago, and reckon now is a good time to tackle this. I was meant to see my psychotherapist last week but he was ill so I'm now waiting for a new appointment, but I am sure he will be happy to help me work on this.

Thing is, I really do still love him. Well, I know to all of you on the outside, as it were, that sounds so messed up. But you can't just flick a switch and turn your feelings off - I can't anyway. With a heavy heart I acknowledge that I have to do the detox thing again. I don't want to get angry, I hate feeling angry (I know this all goes back to childhood etc) but I think I need to. I know I need to.

This morning I am off to church, DD has rejoined the choir that I also sang in as a child. Just trying at the moment to decide whether to walk there and risk getting soaked in a shower, or be a bit lazy and drive. I think we will walk, but with the baby in a pram instead of the sling, he can be wrapped up in one of his beautiful blankets and under a rain cover whilst we have waterproof coats. I want to stride out and fill my lungs with fresh air and clear my head.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 29/09/2013 09:32

New day new start waves

Your dcs will thank you for it Flowers

nobeer · 29/09/2013 09:36

Do you really love him waves? Or do you love what you thought was him? Because the real him is quite a poisonous individual. You know better than me, but is he worming his way back in because he's heard about your new job. I hope you find the strength to have as little to do with him as possible.

tribpot · 29/09/2013 09:41

I still love booze. I don't drink it though - because it destroys my self-worth from the inside.

Why don't you love yourself, waves? Why does anger frighten you? You have mistaken passivity for calm.

AgathaF · 29/09/2013 10:01

I realised that you were letting him back in, but I hadn't realised he was so thoroughly back in your life.

I think physical distance is the only way to get him out of your life. You know what he is, you know what he is capable of, yet you still want him. Physically moving to a new area away from him would prevent those casual encounters that turn into permanent ones, would put things on a different footing. I know you have a new job now, but is moving to the mainland somewhere a possibility?

springybuffy · 29/09/2013 10:45

Tribpot is right about the booze. It is possible to be addicted to a person - especially if that person has charmed you with impossible loveliness that has captured your heart. Especially if you have a damaged heart that craves loving attention. It is a fake loveliness, all the better to capture you with Sad

I have been following another thread that has now gone poof - the OP was similarly enraptured by her cruel, frightening abuser. Thankfully, she at last sees her abuser for who and what he is (and has been all along). I hope you make a similar transition, lovely. You wouldn't be the first or the last - so many of us have been enraptured (and captured) by a cruel abuser who charmed us with impossible loveliness, which we craved because of primary abuse.

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 13:03

I vaguely remember from one of your threads, thinking that the pyschotherapist you were seeing sounded really odd and unprofessional. Is this the same one?

I don't know anything about CBT, except it's quick and the NHS like it because of its speed and therefore its cheapness compared to other therapies.

But if you've had CBT before and you've been having pyschotherapy and you're still in a position where you love this awful man, I'd be questioning its value. Maybe a new course of CBT and a very different therapist might make a difference (although don't know the ethics of having two therapies at once?)

I agree you can't flick a switch and turn your feelings off, but it's hardly a flicked switch is it? This has been going on for months and months, if not a year? It was a campaign of sustained cruelty on his part. To still love after that is not normal and it's certainly not healthy. It points more to hating yourself than loving another, because it's masochistic.

Anger is essential not a luxury and definitely not something to avoid.

themidwife · 29/09/2013 13:49

How could we be "cross with you" Waves? None of this is your fault! He will never leave you alone & will make you ultimately make you accept his version of events. It will be down to you to end it & cut the ties if that's what you want.

You will reach that brick wall, really you will, eventually Sad

themidwife · 29/09/2013 14:25

Perfectly put Springy!!

TalkativeJim · 29/09/2013 15:01

If you let this guy in, if you get back with him, if you don't find a way to truly recognise what a shitbag he is and how utterly destructive your 'chemistry' is, this person is going to fuck up your family and your children permanently.

They only get one childhood. You are clearly an excellent, caring, responsive mother. I feel absolutely sick for you that you might look back and see how this man took that away from you, and from your children.

Get away from him. And don't let the thought of having to spend time away from your son stop you. The fact is, if you block him, he will quickly move on - to someone new, to children new, probably. Hell, he'll probably do that whether you're with him or not!

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 15:37

Yes I wonder what your children are making of all this OP. They've seen their stepfather treat their mother with astounding cruelty- and then let him back into their lives, as well as hers. What message is that giving them when people treat them badly in the future?

auntpetunia · 29/09/2013 18:11

Oh you poor thing! I knew something was up and that the bastard had somehow wormed his way back in. Do you not see that you landing that Fab job will attract him more than anything else, that and the fact that you're willing to sleep with him...He must think it Christmas, and that he's the big man who can mess you and your kids about leave you while the going is tough but jump back on the bandwagon once the good times start.

I'm not going to be angry at you I hope you're going to do that to yourself x

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 29/09/2013 18:24

I am angry at me... It's the only type of angry I'm good at.

I just read a really interesting article about the Hindu goddess Akhilendeshvari, the always broken goddess. In essence the teaching is that it is when you are, as I was for most of last week, lying in pieces on the bedroom floor that you are at your strongest. Because that is when the imagined future is collapsed and the power to change falls into your own hands. So, being broken us a gift and an opportunity to be strong, to challenge toxic relationships and thought patterns and do something new, different.

I'm going to really consider this and doubtless spend some more time sobbing on the bedroom floor tonight. I want to be strong and to break this cycle, I want to bring up my daughter so she never accepts toxic abusive relationships, and my sons to be the gentle, kind men I've never known. And vice versa obviously. They will only learn this from me, by my example won't they.

I will also consider getting someone else to work on cbt with.

Anyway, I need to be spending a bit of time with the DCs before bed. Busy busy week ahead in terms of the redecorating.

OP posts:
auntpetunia · 29/09/2013 18:36

You are right about your daughter she needs to learn how to spot a bastard at 100 paces and walk away, what's the betting she's got a good idea already? She said to you way back on thread 2 "No more husband's mum " you need to take her advice!

But only you can teach your children and I wonder if you can do that in your current community? Maybe you need to move …twunt won't want Caspian I'm pretty sure of that He night say He does but really …Nah not gonna happen! Hard to find random Latvians to shag in toilets with a baby in tow.

tribpot · 29/09/2013 19:41

Being angry at yourself just reinforces your world view that you deserve to be broken on the floor.

There was no need for a crisis here. If you are guilty of anything it is only of allowing another one to happen by believing irrationally that this time would be different.

The more you turn your negative feelings inward, the more you wound yourself and chip away at your courage. Like you're holding your hand over a flame and saying it's teaching you endurance, when you already have third degree burns.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 29/09/2013 21:40

stop beating yourself up, please! What I am about to type is pretty harsh, but I feel it needs to be said, and I say it with love. Ive been with you from the very start and feel I should say this. Sad

Honestly, giving yourself a hard time is not what is needed. You really, truly need to give yourself a shake regards twunt. He will NEVER change, he will use and abuse you again and you need to get help. Seriously, proper help. RL help, CBT, get as far away from him as you can, because if you dont he will destroy you further.

He has already fucked up the DC to a degree. He ruined your pregnancy and yet you have let him back into your lives again. How many times can you yoyo with him? Until he has bled you dry of money and emotion? When your older DC dont respect you or when he moves back in to your family home and then wont leave, or he thinks that now he has a claim on your house again?

Please allow yourself to heal, you have deep wounds emotionally from your own childhood, your first marriage and subsequent marriage to twunt. Until you confront and deal with them properly you wont blossom into the beautiful flower that you should be. Its like you are pricking yourself with the same rose thorn over and over. Sad

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 21:52

Really good posts.

On a very practical note, what about this psycho-therapist you've been seeing for ages?

I cannot see how he/she has been adding any value if you're in this situation now. Would you consider trying a different one?

BerylStreep · 30/09/2013 09:20

Waves, I thought something was up because of the radio silence.

I can't add much more to what others have said. It makes me very sad indeed that your DC have to witness this. I wonder what they think of the whole thing?

I wish to goodness you would stop self flagellating and gather the strength to get rid of this guy from your life. He will bleed you dry - emotionally, and financially, if you give him a chance.

Do you think that the cake making and decorating are displacement activities so that you don't have to face up to things? I know all you want is a happy ever after - we all do. But he isn't the one to provide that for you and your DC. As others have said, your kindness and brilliance is apparent - you come across as such a good mother - but for some reason this bastard is your achilles heel.

I wish we could offer more support, but at the end of the day, the only person who can help you is yourself. [hugs]

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 30/09/2013 20:37

waves, come back lovely, let us know that you are ok.

auntpetunia · 30/09/2013 21:56

Waves you can do detox you've done it before when times where much harder than they are now! Think of his as a parasite a disease you have to fight, coz that's what He is, He wants your money and your house and doesn't care how much He hurts you or the dcs to get what He wants. Please keep talking to us

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 01/10/2013 05:44

I'm still here, yesterday was a bit busy in terms of decluttering and painting. And whilst I am blessed with a baby who sleeps for between 10 and 12 hours solid at night, it means he wants feeding every couple of hours in the day at the moment. We've both got a bit of a cold too so yesterday I had him in the sling most of the day so I could get things done.

I know I can do the detox, I know I'm strong and in fact a lot stronger than I was back earlier this year. I've also been speaking to the people who've been helping (Homestart and the family support worker) and have an appointment with my psychotherapist today. I'm not wallowing in a state of self pity or self flagellation but trying to carry on being a good mum. Thinking lots and lots but also staying rooted in the present because that's where my DCs need me to be.

OP posts:
PyroclasticFlo · 01/10/2013 08:23

Good for you Waves, we're all here for you, willing you on to better and happier times.

One thing that occurred to me - have you ever tried hypnotherapy? It may have been suggested on one of the previous threads. It helped me years ago when I was battling with all sorts of self-image problems (which led to other problems like eating disorders). I would love to see you change your self image to the image we all see of you - a capable, funny, clever, strong, loving woman who is a fantastic mother and deserves to be treated well, deserves to be happy and can enjoy being happy and being treated well.

You deserve so much happiness. Allow yourself to have it. xx

MysteriousHamster · 01/10/2013 13:28

Waves is there any chance you could go back to the job where you'd have to move? I think you need to be as far away from twunt as possible to move on.

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