Finding the strength to wave goodbye

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to previous threads:

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

[skyeskyeskye]

Waves, it broke my heart too that DD would not grow up in a family, that her parents aren't together like 99% of her friends parents are. She was not quite 4 when XH left her.

I felt like my life was over, that I would never go anywhere or do anything. But life goes on and things happen. We are going to London with friends for 3 nights, to Legoland with my brother and cousin, we go to Cornwall on holiday with my parents and on our own.

All those things that I thought were lost to me are still there. Now I'm seeing somebody we go for walks with his dogs and DD loves it.

I wanted the fairy tale, the family together and begged XH not to leave us as I couldn't imagine any other way. But there is always another way.

And every child I know of a single parent, once they grow up, they love and respect that parent beyond belief, for always being there, for not leaving them, for being constant in their life. They love the other parent but they do not love and respect them in the same way.

You can give your DC those memories, on your own or with friends and family, but they will get them one way or another

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Waves, you DID have care. You had all of us who have been with you from you first post right until now caring about you and your baby. We helped you, we thought of you, we sent cards and gifts, we virtually held your hand as you went through labour. We stuck with you when you took him back and listened when he broke your heart again. We did all that because we care. I know it isn't the same as a husband but please don't feel like you had no one, you had all of us.

This man will never change and love you. He doesn't want too. He isn't a decent father. He isn't a decent husband. He isn't a decent person. Move on. Seriously. You have to stop wishing for something that never existed and never will with this person. You are hurting yourself and your children every time you long for him to change.

What is it about HIM that makes you think HE is all there is in the world for you? How many more times are you going to let him trample all over your feelings and life and upset your children before you get it that it is not going to happen?

You are such a lovely person who has been hurt over and over again and you have to stop letting yourself allow it to happen again and again. If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got.

I allowed a man to hurt me over and over as I wanted the fairy tale and I knew it every single time I did it and I hated myself every single time I got the same painful result. Only when you are ready and able can you stop the same happening. You have cut him out before and you must do it again.

He is a horrible person who enjoys your need of him. Stop giving him the power.

You have achieved so much. Don't throw it all away on someone who doesn't deserve a lovely weekend with a baby who is scrumptious. Don't fixate on these 6 weekends a year. He doesn't even want to give you 6 minutes unless it is sex.

Come on my love. You are amazing and you only deserve amazing people in your life.

The whole time you have this twat taking up space in your head and your heart you will NEVER have space for the right man who can bring you love, peace, security and happiness and he is also taking from your children.

If you can't find the strength for yourself you MUST find it for your children.

YOU Have failed no one. Your children are with you and loved. Where is the failure? Their fathers failed them, NOT YOU.

[captainmummy]

Jux has it.. Waves, print out that post and pin it to the fridge!

Also What is it about HIM that makes you think HE is all there is in the world for you? How many more times are you going to let him trample all over your feelings and life and upset your children before you get it that it is not going to happen? from Toffee

• you are the parent who stayed. How on earth have you failed your lovely, well-brought-up dc? You re the one who stayed for them! You are stable, hard-working, kind, generous, loving and see the good in everyone. You are a real role-model for your dc - the only one they need. Your dc are lovely. Normal. Well-behaved.
  
  No way have you failed them. What - by not providing a 'father'? That is not in your remit. Fathers are not provided, they want to be fathers, in more than name. ExDH does not, in any way, deserve to be called 'dad' by any of your dc.
  
  The only way you would be failing the dc is if you let this bullying, abusive, cheating 'man' into their lives, to be their 'father figure'. God forbid they should take his example of male-role-model.

[HopefulHamster]

Waves, all those memories you dream of - you can do those for yourself.

You truly can.

The images with him are a fantasy, nothing more. If he was there at the beach with the children he'd probably be moaning about the sand between his toes anyway.

You need him out of your life once and for all.

I genuinely don't understand how you could bear to spend time with him now. You deserve so much better.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

You know, life is shit at times. I longed for a parent to love me. I wish so much I had a parent who cared but actually it is better to not have one than to have one who is shit. Same goes for a partner. It is better to be on your own to have someone in your bed who doesn't even like you never mind respect, care, cherish and love you. Anyone is NOT better than no one.

My DH is the most amazing person. We don't have everything perfect. We don't have enough alone time, we don't have enough sex. But what we do have is love for each other, respect for each other. We are each others best friends and we care about each other. I appreciate him so much because of all the shit that went before and I know I am worth him.

Why do you feel you are only worth twunt, waves? .

[wyrdyBird]

Really glad to hear you are sorting out some counselling, waves.

We don't know for certain what your ex is thinking; but it seems unlikely that he becomes scared in any way. He's too cold for that. Concerned, perhaps, that he might be inconvenienced by having to do something for you or your children.

I do think Jux is spot on, sadly.

Skye's words are very wise too. Well said skye

[tobethatis]

i have to say this 'fairytale' that you speak of involving the daddy of the baby ... it doesn't really exist. Pretty much ALL of my female friends were disappointed how their husbands/ partners behaved when they had babies. I don't think the behave was intentional its just that men aren't wired like us to want to photo and store everything in a memory box. Of course you're missing those special moments but dont let your unhappiness create something that wouldn't have happened anyway. So happy to hear you're looking into therapy. At lest you will get the chance to talk through all your feelings, thoughts and pain. I can tell from your last post that you are really depressed. Its not easy, but he is the main source of this depression. Him and this idea you have of him. I dont believe for a minute that he is your last shot at happiness - hell no! someone as wonderful and caring and fantastic as you!!! You need time to heal, only when youve healed yourself can you explore other possibilities ... for sure they are waiting for you in your future ... be gentle on yourself

[Jux]

A lot of my male friends do just that, tobe. Photo everything, visibly dote on their wives and children, make memories, store memories, want to be with their partners, all those things. It's not exclusive female territory, honestly it isn't.

Put simply some people are selfish bastards and Twunt happens to be one of them.

[tobethatis]

I didnt mean that it is just female territory what I meant to get across was that when you have a baby with a partner they dont always live up to your expectation. It isnt always like it is in the movies for a number of reasons. It may be that they dont feel the same intensity as the mother or they express themselves in different ways. Its not like the movies, that is real life. And yes I agree with you about Twunt he is off the scale and to a whole different degree.

[mistlethrush]

Waves, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children and your grandchildren. Do you want your boys to think that they can do the same to their future partners - go off whoring to 'wet the baby's head'; physically and mentally abuse their partners, abandon their children except when its convenient for them? And do you want your daughter thinking that this is how a partner should behave? Do you really want to stand by and watch someone treating your daughter this badly and your daughter accept it as a 'normal' relationship? I know that your mother screwed up your formative years. Please make it a line in the sand and say that you're not going to do the same for your children.

I'm sorry this is so harsh. It's not usually my style as you will probably have gathered. I just want to know that you're going to get yourself away from his contamination and make the perfect family life with you and your three children whether or not they ever have a 'father figure' in the future.

[Nanny0gg]

And yet I still keep hanging on to that hope, that he is going to change his mind. That suddenly he is going to love me enough, or at least a little more.

Even if there were the tiniest chance this could happen (and it won't, really it won't), why would you want someone who has treated you and your children so badly, to come back into your lives?

No leopard could change their spots so completely anyway, but everything would be tainted by the past. A past he could never, ever atone for.

Please try and cut contact. And I hope the counselling you're seeking will give you the strength to stay that way.

You are doing an amazing job on your own. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you, but you should be so proud of what you've achieved.

I wish you luck.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

This idiot has had more chances then he deserves as he has shown NO sign at all that he is sorry for the hurt he has caused you and your children. Because he isn't sorry. He likes having you to abuse .

You won't find what you are looking for with this twat because it doesn't exist and you won't find it without anyone else while you are obsessing over him.

[springykyrie]

The problem isn't him, it's you. You are an addict, he is your 'substance' of choice. You have clearly shown that 'he' (or your fantasy about him) comes first, above everything and everyone else - including your kids. If you changed him for a bottle would you see it more clearly? But then, maybe you wouldn't...

Addiction is as old as the hills, follows the exact-same patterns across the board, nothing new, or noble, about it. It wrecks people - and families. If you truly want to get out of it, THE way out is to acknowledge the addiction and commit to working on recovery, usually by committing time, proper time, to a recovery programme, often with other people who are similarly addicted. Addiction to a person, or fantasy about a person, usually comes under codependence - is there a CoDA there? Al Anon also addresses addiction to an addict/abuser. Read everything you can about recovery - if you are serious about saving your kids, which is what this comes down to now. Get on every recovery programme.

If there is no treatment there, it's worth selling up and moving to the mainland to get effective treatment. You are destroying your kids by servicing and excusing this addiction; addiction that drags you - and everyone in your wake - into increasing debasement. Your kids are powerless, but you are not. He is more than happy to have you just where he wants you, let him sort out his demons (if he so wishes, which I doubt). This isn't about him, it's about you now.

Tough words. You wouldn't be the first, waves. Get on with it eh, get on with your recovery - you have it bad if you are going back for more after the truly hideous abuse of last year. Save your kids if you are so in thrall to your addiction that you don't feel, or want, to save yourself. There's stuff out there, go for it.

[springykyrie]

Another site that may be useful in your recovery

[Jux]

Waves, you are probably finding what Springy has said quite hard to take, and may disagree with her totally, but how about you look on it as another String to your bow? Another tool you can use to empower yourself and grow as a person? Looking into addiction therapy, attending addiction recovery, it's not going to hurt you. It can only help you.

[gertrudetrain]

waves you got through being left, pregnant, with hyperemesis, going for an STI when C was 9 weeks old, being verbally abused by taunt & his exes.

You ARE enough. You have survived ^ how much more of your thirties are you going to devote to someone who is abusing you? Don't be one of those bitter & twisted 60 something's who tried to change their man but it didn't work. Don't give a fuck about someone who clearly gives no fucks about you. You are wasting precious years of your life. Cut the cord with him.

[tobethatis]

saw this and thought of you waves ... in particular see table at end

www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2564735/Why-love-drug.html

[springykyrie]

btw I didn't do that casually - it takes one to know one, basically. there's a lot of us out here, all battling away with recovery of one type or another. The recovery model and community is tough but life-saving - literally saves lives. HUGE step to get on it, of course (ie admit there is an addiction and that we are powerless over it): half the battle; but many, many have and are treading the same path xx

[wavesandsmiles]

I'm ok. I broke my wrist last weekend and DM had fairly serious surgery so I am more busy than usual but still here.... Two, maybe three things inspired me recently. One was a quote "wise women know their limits, strong women know they have none", another was when I sent a message to the people who will be my team as of Friday seeing as I just passed my probation. My lovely temp sent in reply "you're a hero" when I explained I do 40 hours in the office but a lot more from home as I'm a single mum an have childcare considerations. And I guess the other was today when I had to make a presentation to Australia so had to take the 3 DCs to work for 7am so I could do my presentation and I managed. Just fine. No support. And apparently the marketers I presented to were really impressed by my presentation ;-)

Oh, and I guess I think I realised that I am not addicted to Twunt per se. I am literally terrified of being alone, of not being loveable. I am not addicted to his abusive behaviours. I am addicted to the need to be "in a relationship" and I guess that now, as single mum to 3 DCs I see the market as it were, diminishing.

But actually that doesn't matter. Because my temp said "I am a hero". And it turns out he said that because that is what his mum did too. My children don't need a "father" they need me to set a good example, as all of you keep reminding me. So, I am planning, in the counselling sessions I have arranged, to learn how to separate these things, these thoughts.

No idea if this makes much sense, but I had 3 hours sleep only and been working non stop today. But I think i realise what the core problems are. And yes, Twunt is not acceptable. Not to me or to my children. There are better lessons for all of them to learn

[mistlethrush]

Gosh, you sound a different woman again Waves! Welcome back. I hope that your wrist mends very quickly and as well as possible.

[Jux]

I second your temp. You are a hero.

[whitsernam]

You're a hero to a whole lot more people than you will ever realize!! Can I get on the list?

[maras2]

Waves. You are an amazing woman but the sooner you have propper therapy , preferably CBT , the better . When you have a bit of a wibble , remind yourself that Twunt wanted you to have a late abortion . He also wanted to wet the baby's head by shagging around the town with his so called mates. He's such a waste of space Waves < and an ugly sod too , I've seen his pic on your profile > Please hurry with the therapy love.

[captainmummy]

You are a hero! I don't think I could do half the stuff you do, daily

How's the wrist? Can you still play? Drive? Knowing you, I bet you still do, anyway.

[oldwomaninashoe]

Waves you knew deep down that you are a hero, hope your wrist mends real soon x