Finding the strength to wave goodbye

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to previous threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

Hi waves, sorry things are so bad. If there is one thing I've taken from your threads, it's that you are a good, decent, trusting person who tries to see the best in others, possibly to your own detriment. Sounds like that manipulative arse of an ex has managed to twist your sense of logic and perspective.

You've been here before and had some benefit from going no contact when you were pregnant. I'm guessing that's more difficult with accommodating contact but could you try minimising your contact with him as much as is practical? Is your DM causing you difficulty again?

Waves - you must be exhausted, by work, kids, baby, house, lodgers... I know you like to keep busy! But everyone needs to blob out every now and then.

You know how manipulative he is, and how he twists everything to be your fault, your responsibility. Maybe you should go NC, it worked before. I know you have baby C who DH needs to see, but surely there must ne a way of letting baby see his df without you needing to be exposed to him too?

Wish I could be of more help, really.

I know that I need to go "no contact". But there is still such a part of me that yearns for the promise of a happy ever after, for the plans we had together, for bringing our baby up together.

Right now I am beating myself up, wondering why I am not good enough for him. What is wrong with me? He "gives" me a few hours a week, he now has a part time job too, but half the time he cancels one of the 2 evenings. Leaving me feeling even more worthless. Why am I worth so little, why am I so low on the list of the priorities. He won't commit to us living together again, he says he won't expose his DSs so my "instability". I am if truth be told, an emotional wreck, because his actions are confirming every one of my insecurities about myself, about not being loveable, about not being good enough (this from the girl who sobbed when receiving 9 As and a B at GCSE, seeing only the B as a big failure)

I am exhausted, yes, I am working long hours, and still teaching part time, and raising this baby effectively by myself, and DS1 and DD. And the pets, and the lodgers.

My lodgers are pretty lovely though. Damn baby monitor was on last night as I was pathetically sobbing down the phone to Twunt, begging him to give me a chance, begging him to love me enough. One of them overheard because she was putting her washing on and came up to see me and was so sweet, she got the other one, and they both had a cup of tea with me and a chat.

Just yesterday I gave an important presentation over video conference, I am working at such a high level professionally. My little baby is not sleeping well at all anymore and I am tired out and I do not understand why he has broken all his promises and, ultimately, why I am such a dreadful person to be around.

And yes, I know, I DO know, that this is not reflective of the truth, but I cannot understand how someone could treat me with such coldness and just cast me aside like this, unless it is a problem with ME. And I am an emotional wreck, I am being appallingly upset, and angry, and always asking for more than at best 2 evenings a week. And to be honest I am now on anti depressants again, and I need to get some therapy sorted out. But I simply cannot explain the pain, and this absolutely crazy fixation I have on being ENOUGH for him, enough for him to move me just a little way up the priorities list, enough for him to keep his promises, and enough for him to love me.

What an utter mess.

You are such an amazing woman, I am totally in awe of you. You are SO much better than him in every way. I don't know how you get over feeling how you do but don't ever put yourself down where he's concerned, you are worth a million of him.

waves dont worry about your lodgers over hearing you they totally understand by the sounds of it. yo are doing so brilliant raising your children all by yourself fending for them, feeding them, housing them. Its ALL YOU. Please dont take this the wrong way because its is heartfelt with no malice intended but it seems to be that yo have a fixation on this guy. You put him on a pedestal. And yet you know hes actually not that great. He is in fact a total waste of space because a) you are clearly struggling emotionally and otherwise yet he still acts like a fuckwit. b) you are still taking on the majority of care work for your son yet he just works part time. Sorry but what man with children works part time? You are incredibly lonely and you feel like a failure. Yet you are so not waves. If you look at what you are doing for your children you can see that that is so far away from the truth. Your downfall is that this man wraps you around his little finger whenever he wants to. Ive been in situation in the past where ive put a man on a pedestal and you know when i look back i think wtf was i thinking!!!!! the man is a runt!!! That emotionally 'security' he gives you you absolutely have to break it because it is a fallacy. He has failed you because he is not a capable partner or husband for you. I know you already know this and i also know it is easier said than done BUT for your own sanity you need to break this chain of behaviour. What supports groups are available to you? I can imagine you have so little time for yourself because you are so busy with your children but please consider how you can join some type of local group/ event as a family so you can fill any spare time you have and also slowly start to meet and put yourself in a position where you are creating a new sense of community for yourself. Keep coming back here if it helps youve got nothing to be ashamed of. If i was your mother I would be immensely proud of what you are trying to achieve for yourself and your children.

Hi there waves,I've read all of your threads but never commented because,well,I never knew what to say.I knew you were always going to go back to this man even during your first thread,I could sense it in all the pain and hurt you were writing down.This may sound harsh but I didn't want to think of a thoughtful and kind response that would give you strength but that you would also disregard because you still loved this man.
However I want to say something to you now...You are a kind and caring woman and mother,from reading your threads your loveliness shines through which is why I'm finding it really difficult to understand why you are subjecting you and your children to this misery.Why?
Do you and your beautiful children not deserve more than this? How many more years are you going to waste on this prick? How many more of THEIR years are you going to waste?
I'm sorry waves,I have no advice to give because only you can decide when enoughs enough and by the sound of things,you are not there yet.I know what I would do in your position but for some reason I cannot fathom,you are in love with this person and seem to need him.I wish I could come and kidnap all of you (including the pets and lodgers!)and keep you away from him but I can't.You will get there though,I hope its sooner rather than later.

Another one who has read all your posts but not really known what to say. You have been through so much. I wish you luck and hope you find the strength to break away from twunt who is using you and enjoying toying with your emotions.

Good luck x

Waves - this is why you need to go NC. He is no good for you or your mental health. He knows you still have feelings for him - that's why he keeps you one a string, cancelling 'evenings', giving you the barest minimum. 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' seems to be his mantra - Maybe you should try it with him ? Although I know you wouldn't - Ive met you, rememeber, and you are far too nice to be so mean to anyone. I've no idea how he can be so horrible to you - maybe it's just because he can? That's why NC is the only way to go.
Is he paying child maintenance? Do you think he would push for access? if you just told him to stop coming round, would he demand access -and if so, is there anywhere you can go to minimise exposure to him? (play centre, park, toddler group)

I'm so sad that you are still struggling with this wave. He really hasn't helped at all, but then he never has had much use really.

He's like a leech, sucking the life out of you. He shouldn't stay on the phone listening to you beg. Why would he want to do that? I guess it's because it makes him feel superior, powerful, in control?

I hope you can find the strength to go properly NC.

waves How are you today?

Doh must read all of thread before asking! I see you updated this morning!

Thinking of you.

Good luck with NC.

Waves, I am sorry to see you posting again (in the nicest way possible). I can relate to that feeling of worthlessness, and feeling that you are at fault and must be unlovable, I felt like that when my first husband told me after 6 months of marriage that he just didn't fancy me and proceeded to letch over any page 3 girl.
I felt like that long after he left, and the feeling only subsided when other members of the opposite sex started to show an intrest in me. I'm not talking "relationships" here but the feeling that I was not so unattractive and unlovable as I felt.
I realised the relationship with my ex was all a "con" on his part and I had fallen for it, but it took me a while to realise all men were not conmen.
You know deep down that you are lovable, you are worth much more than the attention of a conman, you know he's loving this knowing you are emotionally still needing him, and he's playing on it.

Please open you eyes just because your Mum didn't make you feel very lovable, you don't have to believe that any fault in a relationship is down to you.

You are worth so much more, and what a strong woman you are in all the other aspects of your life. Write him off as the conman he is and put all your emotional energies into your DC's for the moment.

Someone who deserves and is deserving of you is out there and will appear when you least expect him.

Keep strong xx

waves I can only echo what others are saying. But I just wanted to add - you ask why he doesn't love you, why he won't give you more etc. He's a fucked up arsehole who gains something from seeing/hearing you suffer, and in his warped mind, every time you reach that low and reach out to him, he sees this as some sort of vindication of his cruel behaviour - he turns it around on you, blames you, points out failings that he sees as yours and yours alone, while managing to avoid taking on any blame/responsibility for his behaviour and treatment of you, which compounds your difficulty. In short, he does this because it allows him to feel better about the arsehole he is, and avoid actually taking a good long, hard look in the mirror. It's all about his ego, and what makes it easier for him to live with himself. He's so fucked up he needs to hear you desparate for him/his company/his input into your life, even when it hurts you - he has no reason to do or give you more because the scraps he throws you seem to keep you hanging on, still willing to take more cruelty from him.

You think it's you, you think you must have done something to warrant this/deserve this/bring it upon yourself because your self worth/esteem is through the floor right now. But, please believe us when we say it really, really isn't you, it's him. You do so much for your DC, you are working hard to support them/you/your home, while that twunt faffs about part time and still doesn't put his spare time into caring for his DS. You are worth so much more than anything that fucked up idiot can give you.

I lost your threads when I took a MN break and I am so sad to see you have let your guard down again and allowed this bully to get under your skin.

Life is going to be hard for a while yet. Motherhood is bloody hard plus working, etc so just accept it will be hard but you know you can do it.

You have to stop giving him any more head space. There is NOTHING wrong with you. It is not about you, it is all about him and his need to bully and control someone. He is doing it to you as he hasn't found anyone else to do it to yet.

Hang in there. You know you can do it as you have done it before. Trust in your new friend and your lodgers. Do not trust in your mother and ex. They had their chances. They blew them.

Waves I'd like to give you a big hug!!

You are wonderful. Please remember that you have so much to offer - you are kind, creative, capable, intelligent, talented, beautiful. He is not only an idiot for not cherishing you, but very cruel as well. I know it is so easy to get hung up on our dreams or ideals of how things could be, but he has proven time and again that he is not the man you thought he was. As long as you're involved with him, you aren't allowing yourself space and time to mourn this reality. It's just not good for you and your gorgeous DCs. I would say that sorting out some therapy should be a priority, you're telling yourself some horrible things about you that simply aren't true (been there!) and it sounds like you could really use help in adjusting your perspective. Things will get better. There can be happiness without Twunt. You are worth so much more.

Hey waves.

Of course you are not a horrible, disgusting person. I think the only reason you believe you are a horrible disgusting person is because you're sure your ex isn't. You still believe he is good, deep down.

Yet if we look at how he behaves, it appears that deep down, he is the same as he is on the surface. Cold, cruel and self serving. He's very consistent about it. So you can't be good enough for him, because no-one can. To put it another way: there isn't a point at which he'll reward you, or anybody, with his truly good and giving side, because it isn't there.

There's no way round this, waves. Your happy ever after may be out there: but while you're giving headspace to someone who is cold and self serving, you have no chance of finding it.

I think, from your posts, you know this; you just aren't feeling it yet. Offering a handhold as you find your way out

oh waves (((hug)))

A big component of abusive relationships is a powerful addictive element. You are predisposed to l-o-n-g-i-n-g to be loved fully and properly, because you have never had it. Along he came and promised it - which hooked you in totally. Then he withdrew (and how ). Now he is dangling you on a string, giving you just enough to keep you hooked but begging for more. = addiction. It must be absolute torture.

Please do read and re-read Why Does He Do That (Lundy Bancroft) and get in touch with eg Womens Aid, Freedom Programme etc. Get your mind renewed and onto his shit - which had been done before and it'll be done again - it is actually quite a tired formula, a script, absolutely predictable and fairly straightforward emotional manipulation.

I pray my dear that your mind will see this, giving you the power to snap this terrible man off for good. He is nothing but bad and will grind you into dust, pestle and mortar style. I have been there!

Oh, and give up the teaching for now !

I echo what's already been said... And add that any decent man would not have treated you as he did when you were pregnant; he would not 'give' you a couple of evenings a week and 'take them away' at whim - he would want to support you and his child all the time; he would not be threatening to keep his bullying, disruptive, rude children away from you because you are 'unstable'. It really is an addiction - you know its bad for you, you know it makes you ill and brings you down low but you can't stop yourself. What chances are there for a relocation with work? I think if you can prize yourself away from his 'gravity' you will find yourself more easily, and I am absolutely certain that you will find people that treasure your companionship just as you are, and without taking from you all the time. Meanwhile I think NC is essential, don't you?

waves I have lurked and posted occasionally on your threads. you do need to go NC with him and you do need to get some decent counselling to talk things through. My XH wrote me a letter that destroyed me, telling me what a bad person I was and it took weeks of counselling to be able to put it aside and see that I was not that person, that it was just a load of crap to give himself excuses to leave.

Your lack of self worth, unable to see that you deserve better than this twunt, needs to be discussed with a decent counsellor who can help you to realise who you are, that you are lovable and that you have plenty to offer the right person.

My XH became extremely callous and cold, no care or regard for me whatsoever, blaming me for everything, making up ridiculous excuses and reasons. The fault lies with him though, not me and it took me several months to be able to realise that.

You are holding down a great job, bringing up a family on your own, you are achieving amazing things already.

I would have given anything for my XH to come back and I did beg him several times, but now I look at him and wonder why on earth I would want to be with such a weak selfish man.

You too will realise that in time. But in the mean time, please put him out of your life, NC apart from over DS. No begging phonecalls, no nothing. For your own sanity you need to do this.

Also, and I'm really sorry to say this, the sanity of your children

I am living in cloud cuckoo land half the time

When we got married, I fully believed it was happy ever after

When we planned our baby, I believed he would be the loving, caring, supportive husband I never had during my previous pregnancies. I believed that I would not be sobbing in hospital as I recall telling him happened when I was expecting DD.

That didn’t happen.

I believed he would be a wonderful father to our baby, being there each night, helping with baths, doing just as much as me. I believed he would be bringing me home from hospital and welcoming us home with flowers and hugs and cups of tea.

That didn’t happen.

Instead, I came home thanks to a lift from friends, in the middle of the night, to spend DS2’s first night in our bed alone.

No flowers

No care

No love at all – him being cold and playing candy crush. Going kick boxing rather than spend night 2 with us. Him lying about having to have the boys the day DS2 was born.

And now, he says that I am so far down his priorities, that he has so LITTLE love for me, that he will not give 6 weekends a year. That there is effectively no chance of us being a family together. Because he has decided that your feelings for me are not enough.

So, I have to accept that ALL my hopes and dreams are nothing. There are no happy pregnancy memories. There are no happy coming home memories. There is no card and photo of flowers from him in DS2’s new baby box.

There are no memories of us nightly waking to look after DS2. No memories of daily baths together.

There will be no memories of family weekends, striding out along the beach with DS2 and the 4 kids and the dog. There will be no memories of family holidays.

And yet I still keep hanging on to that hope, that he is going to change his mind. That suddenly he is going to love me enough, or at least a little more.

But actually, he doesn’t want anything to change. He wants to keep his life in a box, no change, no chance of a holiday with me, casting me aside for weeks on end when he has the boys in the holidays. No weekends for me to keep positive about. That’s what I needed, a fixed date to hang on to for a couple of months, something to look forward to. That 3 nights of feeling like PART of what I believed was our future, is real.

For him, he can just switch off and forget and revert to his “old life”. I am daily with our baby, daily thinking about what I believed was our future, and daily reminded of the fact that ALL those hopes and dreams were based on lies, and reminded of the fact that the memories I have, are not the memories I hoped for.

I wanted just a promise of 6 weekends a year, and maybe 2 week long holidays when I could experience all that I hoped for.

My heart is so sad, he knew how VERY important it was to me, not really to have a baby, but to have those experiences. And those were taken away. I feel robbed. I really don’t know what to do.

It seems that sometimes he is open to wanting us to be a family, then he gets scared of the possibility of things going wrong, and wants to box himself back into his “safe” life. Where he can forget about me, and our marriage, and the promises, and our baby. Where he can do what he has always done.

Whilst every minute of every day (pretty much), I cannot forget.

I wanted to be able to give a child the family I could not with DS1 and DD, to give a child a father, to give myself the happy memories.

I don’t know if I love him even. How could I “love” someone who causes me so much pain? Someone who treats me so coldly. I feel like this is my one shot to have a family. To raise a child with their father.

I have sorted out some counselling. I have so many "issues" that I need to resolve. And I need to do something about these false hopes and crazy dreams. I just can't imagine never being part of a proper family. Of not having a child who doesn't remember growing up with daddy. 3 kids, and I have failed them all.

Absolutely no way have you failed them all! What would be failing them would be getting back with him and allowing him to treat your two older children crewelly and encourage his DS to do the same; allowing him back in to mess up your mind, and abuse you more. Your children have a fabulous, strong mother who is willing to fight for them tooth and nail. But you need to get away from thinking that having a 'father figure' is essential to your family - it really isn't. What chance is there for a relocation with work? I know you're all set up where you are, but I think getting away would really help you sort yourself out.

You have not failed them at all, in fact the opposite. I can empathise completely, my dad died when I was one and my once living husband left me whilst pregnant after he became depressed (ironically over us struggling to have a child) I look at my now four year old and remember how the pregnancy I longed for was a sad time and I cry as I too wanted her to have the family I never had growing up. But, I know I can still give her a good life just as my mum did for me and my sister. I have learnt to live with the sadness and live the best life I can. It's just different to the one I hoped it would be. I am a fighter, you are too, I can tell from reading all your threads. Please go no contact, focus on yourself and your children, am thinking of you.

I wanted to be able to give a child the family I could not with DS1 and DD, to give a child a father, to give myself the happy memories

You don't need a man to give your children or you, happy memories. What your children need is a happy, confident mum, who loves them and cares for them.

What you talk about is a fantasy. It's images off birthday cards. It's nothing that you can't give your children yourself, if you so choose.

Please stop begging him for what he can't give (doesn't actually matter his reasons), and what isn't ever going to happen. Realise that you are the one who will provide the happy holidays, the lovely memories etc, etc.

I think you are investing too much emotional energy into something that never was, and never will be. Please, stop putting this man on a pedestal, stop making him into some god-like being that is the answer to all your hopes and problems. Use that emotional energy into being the best mum you can be (as you already are doing) and in enjoying all the fabulous things you already have in your life.

Waves, my love.

It's power. That's all he's interested in. Power. When he has that power strongly enough then he uses it. He uses his power over you to make you miserable because that makes him feel like a big strong bloke, a powerful being, the ruler of the world. He likes that. He likes making you miserable. He likes fucking you up. He likes knowing that he can take your attention off your lovely innocent children, and divert it to him. He likes seeingmyou crushed. He likes you being distraught. He likes you being sick and miserable with omhelp and nowhere to turn. He likes it, waves. It's his raison d'etre. He gets off on it. Your misery makes him happy. Your children's anxiety makes him happy. He can keep you all unsettled and he loves it.

When you want to go no contact, he's OK with that, because it shows you that you are worthless when he doesn't make a fuss. He thinks you will spend the time yearning for him.

And when you start feeling stronger then he can beat you up again. Wow! What a kick he gets from that! Strong waves being beaten down and crushed again. WaHey! Christmas for whenever he wants it. Fabulous.

Oh waves, make no mistake, he is having a brilliant time. He's got you as a permanent victim. He can reel you in with minimal effort, make you putty in his hands, lift you up to the heavens and then squash you right back down again. Time after time after time. He knows he can use you forever. You will last him until you die. And there is the added bonus that you have 3 children!!! Bonus! Result!