Finding the strength to wave goodbye

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to previous threads:

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

[Listmaker]

Hi Waves - just catching up with you and wondering how you are?

[FabBakerGirl]

How are you doing, Waves?

[mistlethrush]

I do think that an au pair could be ideal - and if you go into it with a very clear idea of what is required, what is offered, and house rules, I think that you will have better luck than you might otherwise. And take no prisoners, don't put up with unacceptable behaviour!

Glad its all signed and sealed.

[springykyrie]

I felt meh about my divorce and, frankly, I couldn't wait to get shot of him in every possible way. It's an ending none of us wanted when we started out on the whole thing, so it's bound to be sad.

oh definitely go for an au pair! Grill the agency big time, making absolutely CLEAR what you do and don't want. Then keep the agency on a tight rein, getting rid of anyone unsuitable in a heartbeat: you can't afford to hang about on that, you can't have any added stress.

I bet you looked lovely at your 'do'

[FabBakerGirl]

Hi Waves

I was tidying in the loft yesterday and found the lovely thank you card you sent me after I sent a couple of tiny bits for Acrobat. It made me smile as you were so kind to send it but it also made me so proud of you for how far you have come .

Feeling meh about being divorced is a good thing in my opinion. Much better than any other emotion when there are so many you could have felt.

I totally get the missing reading since I have had my three children. I used to read several magazines a week as well. The other day I finished September 2013 magazine. Now I have to get to school 30-40 minutes before the children come out so that is my time to read and I look forward to it.

[wavesandsmiles]

I'm divorced....

All signed and sealed.

I had the final decree thing in the post waiting for me at home yesterday evening. Feel a bit meh about the whole thing.

Still in two minds about hiring an au pair - last thing I want it additional stress. But I am working more and more hours, and am always tired! I can't remember when I last read a whole book, and I never watch tv. Well, I have read whole books but they are children's books that I read aloud as opposed to a grown up book!

Later I have to pop in my documents for the mortgage transferring to me. It's all a bit scary!

[Jux]

I did a very short stint as an au pair over 30 years ago. The children were at school so not much childcare.

I did getting kids up, fed, off to school (chauffer drove them). Then, as the maid was off ill, I did housework all morning. Shopping for packet stuff like cereal, veg and fruit (given a list and very precise instructions). Then tea for kids (not high tea, jam sandwich and biscuit type tea), then supervision of homework, supervision of bathtime. Help prep and cook supper, and then put kids to bed. I was supposed to have Thursday afternoons off but the mum invariably changed it as I was about to leave the house. i was supposed to have eow off, but didn't. I walked out after 4 weeks and don't know how I lasted that long. She didn't pay me either, rich bitch!

Conversely, when I was a child, we had au pairs. In the school holidays they would take us out once a week - to local landmarks/tourist spots (Mum actually told us we were taking them as they needed to see this or do that). One night a week the parents would go out so the au pair would give us supper and get us to bed. I don't remember ever being got up by any of them, though they would help get us out of the house in the way anyone would. I don't know about housework, though I'm sure they did help, at that age I simply wouldn't have noticed. Generally, they seemed to just do what an adult visiting child would do, or a friend who was staying a while. I do remember mum getting home from work once and thanking one profusely for hoovering or something. Also telling one off for getting drunk and throwing up everywhere one night! Sometimes helpful to think about what you don't want.

Anyway, Waves, hope that's vaguely helpful.

[FabBakerGirl]

My suggestions -

core job list of things that you would need them to do every day.
core job list of things you would need them to do every week.

potential things that could happen daily/weekly

Potential things that might be very rare but would need their help - late finish/early starts, etc

Specify if extra money will be given or time off - I suggest only if it is an unexpected 3 hour late home situation that shouldn't happen again or maybe if they go over their hours on a regular basis you look at a bonus or a small increase otherwise you could be paying for every little thing that you need them to do.

In all my nanny jobs I ended up doing things that weren't in my contract but I didn't mind as they didn't take the piss and occasionally I had extra time off. I wasn't about to bill them for an extra hours work or complain they wanted me to get the shoes heeled/dry cleaning picked up etc.

[wavesandsmiles]

Oh mistle that is exactly why I have been putting off hiring an au pair. Last thing I need is a lonely teenager/young woman in a foreign country who needs a "mother" figure. Fab, I have a list and it really isn't too long as my older 2 are at school and the baby at nursery, so it is literally just doing the supermarket shop once a week, helping out in the mornings from 7 - 8.15 to get the children ready for school, and occasionally watching them all for maybe half an hour before if I have an early meeting (nursery is about a minute from my house), and again, providing a bit of cover in the evenings in case I am a bit late from work, and in any case, just an extra pair of hands for me between 6 and 8. And that is it really, other than I might try to ask for them to do the hoovering and a bit of the kids laundry, as there won't be much to do otherwise. And if they like pets, they could take the dog for a walk. Other than that, loads of time off, and I would pay for a language course, etc.

I am going off now - dashing home from work to get ready for this dinner - black tie do so somehow need to pretty myself up and look smart in very little time. I'd appreciate any input over the aupair thing, maybe I would be just getting someone local in to help with the later afternoon/evening times since there isn't so much to do. Ah well. I have maybe some time this weekend to investigate further.

[FabBakerGirl]

My two penny worth, I took a job as an au pair and had no clue of all my duties until I had been there more than a month and it was really awkward when they asked me to do X. Be clear straight away what you will need him/her to do.

[skyeskyeskye]

the au pair sounds like a great idea. anything that helps you to have an easier less stressful life.

I think that if my XH had come back at any point in the year following his departure, even after the divorce, , I would have found it very hard to turn him away, as I still wanted the family unit and I still loved him, but it would have been very wrong to have had him back.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, it did take me almost two years to get there, but I know now that even if it doesn't work out with the current bloke, that there is life after divorce. It just takes a while to see it sometimes.

You will get there in your own time, with counselling and by going NC with him. Concentrate on yourself and your DC and you will get there.

A couple of days away sounds great. It was pretty daunting for me, the first time I did it, but now it is my life and me and DD have a great time when we go away.

[mistlethrush]

Waves - an au pair (provided you find the right one of course!) sounds like a very good idea. You must make sure that you write down all the things that they will be responsible for though and make sure that they are fulfilling their side of the bargain - don't want an 'extra' person to have to mother!!!

Hope your wrist is healing well?

[wavesandsmiles]

It is really great that you are all still being so supportive. This time last year I was so ill in hospital and just at the start of my "waves alone" journey. Frankly I am disappointed in myself for allowing him to worm his way back in, but I am really confident that I can go NC again, and I WILL do, of course for myself, because I do deserve a better life, but also for my three DCs. I would be devastated if I thought that DD tolerated this kind of treatment/behavior because I had shown her it to be acceptable by my example, and equally devastated if either DS felt it was an acceptable way to treat a partner. And vice versa of course!

Skye Your words are so helpful, it means a lot to hear from someone who has really "lived" this. It is easy for the fear of being alone to completely dominate thought processes, such as the truly awful behavior is in some way "forgotten" and certainly minimized.

Anyway, I feel stronger again, particularly for posting here. And tonight I am going out for dinner for a work event, so am getting all dressed up. If nothing else, it will be company for a few hours in the evening (and free food!)

I am so busy though. It is like I never stop until I crash out asleep in bed. MAYBE this weekend I will get a little down time, but more likely I will be doing further work on current work projects. I just booked myself a couple of nights away in April, so I have something to look forward to, and have booked a week away in the summer for myself and the DCs. I'm also trying to find an au pair, I think I need just a bit of help around the house, and that would reduce my stress levels a lot.

One of the jobs I rejected, the one I would have moved away for, I am pretty pleased I didn't take as the company's future in the location looks rather shaky now. Everything happens for a reason! I am certainly though hoping to move away in the not too distant future.

Back to work!

[auntpetunia]

waves I have been thinking about you these last few weeks but couldn't find the thread, am so sorry to see that twunt is Still a total bastard and that he has wormed his way back into your life. you've gone NC before and it sounds like you desperately need to do it again.

what message are you sending to dd and ds1? that Mum loves bastard so much she will beg and make herself ill just to get a few minutes of his time. Dd is learning that woman cant function without men and that no matter how horrible Men are to you you just have to take it and be grateful! ds on the other hand is learning to treat women like shit.

Please take the counselling and seriously look at moving away.

[maras2]

Please listen to Skye , Waves . She knows her stuff .

[skyeskyeskye]

waves, I went through it all in counselling - the fear of being alone, of being rejected, of being unloved/unlovable... and once you start to look into that and start to love yourself then you will realise that you don't need a man to make you complete.

It is very hard though and my counsellor said that my fear was so clear, that I was never going to meet anyone, that I would be on my own forever.... When the family that you desperately wanted is just smashed from under you, it takes a very long time to come to terms with it all.

I talked it all through with her and it did help to sort out some things in my head.

Now that I have met somebody, I waver between not wanting him around and being too clingy.... so that is something that I am still working on, to know that I don't need anybody else.

You are incredible, you are doing all those things with 3 DC in tow. I work full time self employed and struggle to keep on top of anything at home because I am always working and I only have 1 DD!

Stay strong, stay positive and know that counselling will help you to address your fears

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

He is only saying what we have all known for months.

After everything you have been through, and all the tough words you have had from us, you keep on fighting, keep on posting and get yourself a shit hot job where people VALUE you for YOU.

[oldwomaninashoe]

Waves you knew deep down that you are a hero, hope your wrist mends real soon x

[captainmummy]

You are a hero! I don't think I could do half the stuff you do, daily

How's the wrist? Can you still play? Drive? Knowing you, I bet you still do, anyway.

[maras2]

Waves. You are an amazing woman but the sooner you have propper therapy , preferably CBT , the better . When you have a bit of a wibble , remind yourself that Twunt wanted you to have a late abortion . He also wanted to wet the baby's head by shagging around the town with his so called mates. He's such a waste of space Waves < and an ugly sod too , I've seen his pic on your profile > Please hurry with the therapy love.

[whitsernam]

You're a hero to a whole lot more people than you will ever realize!! Can I get on the list?

[Jux]

I second your temp. You are a hero.

[mistlethrush]

Gosh, you sound a different woman again Waves! Welcome back. I hope that your wrist mends very quickly and as well as possible.

[wavesandsmiles]

I'm ok. I broke my wrist last weekend and DM had fairly serious surgery so I am more busy than usual but still here.... Two, maybe three things inspired me recently. One was a quote "wise women know their limits, strong women know they have none", another was when I sent a message to the people who will be my team as of Friday seeing as I just passed my probation. My lovely temp sent in reply "you're a hero" when I explained I do 40 hours in the office but a lot more from home as I'm a single mum an have childcare considerations. And I guess the other was today when I had to make a presentation to Australia so had to take the 3 DCs to work for 7am so I could do my presentation and I managed. Just fine. No support. And apparently the marketers I presented to were really impressed by my presentation ;-)

Oh, and I guess I think I realised that I am not addicted to Twunt per se. I am literally terrified of being alone, of not being loveable. I am not addicted to his abusive behaviours. I am addicted to the need to be "in a relationship" and I guess that now, as single mum to 3 DCs I see the market as it were, diminishing.

But actually that doesn't matter. Because my temp said "I am a hero". And it turns out he said that because that is what his mum did too. My children don't need a "father" they need me to set a good example, as all of you keep reminding me. So, I am planning, in the counselling sessions I have arranged, to learn how to separate these things, these thoughts.

No idea if this makes much sense, but I had 3 hours sleep only and been working non stop today. But I think i realise what the core problems are. And yes, Twunt is not acceptable. Not to me or to my children. There are better lessons for all of them to learn

[springykyrie]

btw I didn't do that casually - it takes one to know one, basically. there's a lot of us out here, all battling away with recovery of one type or another. The recovery model and community is tough but life-saving - literally saves lives. HUGE step to get on it, of course (ie admit there is an addiction and that we are powerless over it): half the battle; but many, many have and are treading the same path xx