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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

MissStrawberry · 01/10/2013 18:35

I have been thinking and worrying about you for a while, Waves, as I lost the thread and it has taken me so long to find you again. I also had a feeling things weren't going quite to plan.

Remember, whatever we may say to you this is YOUR Life and if you want to go back to him then that is what you must do. We will still be here for you if it all goes wrong again. I have experience of leaving a man I loved because people told me too but they weren't around when I was breaking my heart again and again over him and there is part of me that will never get over him as it didn't come to its natural end.

If you continue to sleep with him you must use a condom. You do not want to be in this position again and you know that he has probably slept with more than this Latvian woman.

I really hope your tests come back fine but see this as a wake up call whether you stay with him or not.

I could cry for what he has put you through and the fact that you not only have been seeing him but having sex with him as well as you are worth so much more than this.

You can not stay with him so that you don't have to be parted from C. It isn't fair on C. If it all went wrong he would blame himself as you were only with twunt because of him. That is how he would see it.

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pointythings · 01/10/2013 20:10

waves I am so sorry. If it helps you to be angry at yourself then by all means allow yourself that, but you need to start seeing twunt as something akin to alcohol or heroin - you are addicted to him and you need help, not just self-led emotional detox.

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ThreeTomatoes · 02/10/2013 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wavesandsmiles · 02/10/2013 12:18

Thanks for the interpretation of the Hulk scene Smile I really am feeling so much stronger in myself at the moment.

I can't name check because I'm on my phone, Caspian has a cold and is being very clingy to computer access is limited.

It's not a good idea to move away now. I don't want to do that until my head is a lot straighter in terms of self esteem, self image etc. I think then if I did I would just be moving with my problems and potentially hitting repeat. It would obviously be a huge upheaval for the DCs and I don't want to do that just to run away.... There are also cross jurisdictional issues which could be problematic.

For what it is worth, I do not love the actions that Twunt has done this year. I am not a masochist. I actually hate him for what he did. I also acknowledge that he is a very broken person, and have a hunch that he is not actually bad deep down. He can be kind and loving and helpful and considerate. This part of him is why I married him. Ironically he was the first "nice" person I was ever involved with.

But, I have seen what he is capable of, that he is essentially an incredibly selfish person, with the ability to be frighteningly cruel. I hope that he gets the counselling and therapy he says he will. I don't need him at all. This year I have absolutely proved that. Part of me very much wants him, but not all of him. I don't think that is enough for me to return to a real relationship with him but it is something I need to think about. You see, before it was his decision to end everything, now it is up to me. It's different.

OP posts:
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maras2 · 02/10/2013 12:44

Hiya,Waves.Just delurking for the second time,but have followed your twisty turny journey from day 1.I've been impressed with the fierceness with which you have protected firstly your unborn baby,then your lovely born son,Caspian.However,Twunt is still a twunt.Keep reminding yourself of his attitude toward his unborn child and of his sexual incontinence before,during and after your very traumatic pregnancy.You are a spiritual person so when reading up on Hindu deities,try Kali.She'sthe goddess of time,change and destruction.Keep her in mind and please stop having sex with Twunt.Best of luck for the STI test results. Mx.

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MissStrawberry · 02/10/2013 12:55

Don't get carried away thinking you have all the power now as you can walk away if you want too. Irrelevant. What is relevant is you sharing your body and home with a man who has treated you despicably and will be messing with the kids heads as they will have no idea why he is suddenly around again. Now you have children you have to put them first and if you can't see that he is bad for you then acknowledge he is bad for your kids.

Deep down a good man? No no no no. And even if it were true you need a man who is good high up!

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FrancescaBell · 02/10/2013 13:18

Your hunch is utterly wrong. He is not a nice person, deep down.

Not that it matters a fig. He is not the right person for you and is especially not the right person to be around your children, modelling a relationship of such appalling dysfunctionality.

You don't have the power where he is concerned to make good decisions for you and your children. You never did. It is no different now than it was before. You are as much addicted to a falsehood of this being your happy-ever-ending relationship as you are to the man himself.

I asked you twice about the pyschotherapist you are seeing. Is there a reason you're not answering?

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pointythings · 02/10/2013 13:46

waves he is not a nice person 'deep down' There is no 'deep down'. What you have put up with is the real him. Stop clinging to the hope that he will have therapy and change - why should he, when you are giving him everything he wants without him having to change a thing? All he has to do is put on an Oscar winning show and he's back with his feet under your table.

And harsh as it is, I agree with FrancescaBell - you have a responsibility towards your children, and that includes cleansing your life of him. They will learn the patterns of their future relationship from you. Is what you have been through, what you have gone back to, really what you want for them?

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JaxTellerIsAllMine · 02/10/2013 16:44

oh waves, the others are right, he isnt nice - that part is a facade to reel you in again. Sorry - there is no nice part of him. He is cruel, selfish and utterly nasty, that is the real him. Sad

The one thing that I do agree with you on, the moving away. Running away is never the answer, stay where you are, its your home. Get your life together, keep twunt and tb at arms length and carry on being the great mum, person, employee, musician that you are. All you have to do is change your mindset, not your personality. With help, whether CBT or other therapy you can do that far easier than you think.

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auntpetunia · 02/10/2013 16:58

In not way is He a nice person deep down! Deep down he is exactlay what He appears on the surface …an utterly selfish, cruel evil bastard, like a bar of rock break him and you'll see Bastard written all the way through.

He still has power over you if you think he'll "get better" He won't.

I'm really sorry you've been reeled in again by him,

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nemno · 02/10/2013 18:13

I say/write the following with concern and respect for you waves, I really think you are a very talented and resourceful and likeable woman.

No, he's not nice deep down. The nice bit is the superficial stuff that he can turn on. He's shown you who he really is quite consistently over the past year. You might well be hoping that he is fundamentally decent because that would make your life easier and would show that you hadn't made such a huge error in judgement. That would be totally understandable but you would be deceiving yourself further.

You NEED to get this man out of your children's lives.

If only you could actually feel the collective strength of goodwill that MN is displaying here. You'd never doubt yourself or be vulnerable to him (or others of his ilk) again.

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shiningcadence · 02/10/2013 18:27

waves you could say about anyone that they are 'nice deep down'. Even people who have commit horrific crimes have people, family etc. say that they are good people deep down. Everyone has a good side. But twunt has behaved in an unforgivable way (imo) towards you, waves. Please don't let him blame it on the fact he's 'damaged' or whatever. He was horrible, really horrible to you when you were at your most vulnerable. How can you ever be happy with him? How will you ever feel loved and protected and respected and secure?

Waves, please listen to me darling. Normal relationships are NOT like this. They shouldn't make you feel this sad and confused and drained.

I feel for your dd, I really do. Because she will think it's ok to be in a relationship with someone that makes her sad.

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themidwife · 02/10/2013 18:32

I felt a thud of fear in my chest when I read the bit about him being good deep down. Please read the Lundy Bancroft book I sent you again. Please. Sad

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MrsZimt · 02/10/2013 18:33

Another one delurking.

Waves, No No, No, he is not a nice man.

A nice man doesn't have unprotected sex with strangers and then unprotected sex with his (pregnant) wife!

Please don't wave goodbye to him but kick his arse out the door at top speed.
Please. He is a dangerous charming bastard.

I really hope he hasn't given you or your baby anything.

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MissStrawberry · 02/10/2013 18:38

I know all these posts must be hurting you waves for many many reasons but we are saying this because we are so desperately worried for you and your children.

Why has he come back? What has he said is his reasons? Has he apologised for all the abuse he has inflicted on you? Is he back because no one else will have him and you are a guaranteed welcome?

He doesn't love you. He probably never did. Don't let him hurt and abuse and use you anymore. Please.

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MrsZimt · 02/10/2013 18:46

Waves, he messes with your head.

Any decent therapist would have told you long ago that you have to take yourself away from him, to be able to see what he is doing properly.

He doesn't give you any time to do that.

We all here are afraid for you. Afraid of what he will do to you and your children next.

He's not your happily ever after, he's a nightmare. Please wake up.

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Whocansay · 02/10/2013 20:32

This is probably not going to be a popular view, but I really think you should stop posting under this username and start a new thread in OTBT or somewhere else entirely. PM the posters you want to keep in touch with. He knows your username and he is using the information he gets from here against you.

He is, in no way, a nice man. He has thoroughly enjoyed hurting you and spreading lies about you. Suddenly, you're back in the money and he wants his cut. That's why he's back. You're clearly a clever woman in other areas of your life, but appear to be totally blind to this. Don' t keep doing this to yourself.

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EachAndEveryHighway · 02/10/2013 20:55

Another delurker, wanting to say that I agree completely with whocansay - he is using what he reads here to maximum effect .... he knows your highs, your lows, your fears, your insecurities, your aspirations and can therefore effortlessly worm himself back into your affections.

Unfortunately what has really benefitted you, (a place for your outpourings and to receive support) is also harming you awfully because this arsehole has it as a ready-made weapon.

Wish you well Waves and hope you can find the strength to protect yourself and your dcs against his poisonous disguised as charming presence.

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auntpetunia · 02/10/2013 22:16

Totally agree with those posters who say he's still reading your threads. Name change or go otbt but stop giving him ammunition!

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Greengagesummer · 02/10/2013 23:53

Delurking but have been cheering you on and amazed by your strength.

Agree re namechange and OTBT. You are not doing the best for you and your children despite your incredible energy, flair and intelligence because you are undermining yourself by being open and true to yourself here, and allowing him back into your life.

Pleases use your strength of character in yours and your children's best interests.

Please don't let Twunt model relationships to your boys. Would you want history repeating itself with two other women like yourself, your boys' partners? Would you like your daughter to accept as her right some twisted version of a relationship such as yours because that is what she has grown up with?

I feel very harsh saying all this, but I really want your family including you to flourish in a normal loving setting, as you truly deserve.

I don't know you and you don't know me. Sorry for sticking my oar in and I hope that I don't upset you too much, but I send you waves of strength and hope.

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KiwiJude · 03/10/2013 06:37

Waves honey, there is nothing good about thwunt and you need to see this, if not for yourself then for your children so they can go on to have good, healthy relationships in their lives.

Yes he may be broken but you can't fix him.

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MissStrawberry · 03/10/2013 12:16

Absolutely pointless having somewhere to post more safely if posters are going to give the name or acronym!

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Jux · 03/10/2013 22:38

Waves, missed your last thread (how? Blush). Please go to the secret place and change your name.

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Jux · 03/10/2013 22:42

FWIW, your ex is abusive abusive abusive. He will always be abusive. He will never change. If you continue to see him you will be subjected to the Mr Nasty/Mr Nice cycle for the rest of your life and your children will too, until they leave home and stop seeing both of you.

Please don't let him reel you in. It is so sad to see such a talented, wonderful person like you being treated so ignominiously.

Take control. Dump him. Don't have him back.

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JaxTellerIsAllMine · 04/10/2013 14:28

waves, anything nice planned for the weekend with the DC? Any music things going on?

Ive got a busy Friday night - DD has a music, acting, singing, dancing thing she does. 3 hours which is pretty full on, but she loves it. Only thing is it totally disrupts Friday evening for me. 5.30-8.30pm oh well, its nice to have a social life. Grin

Tomorrow a friend and I are off to a craft event, cant wait. Everything is handmade, nothing is allowed to be 'bought crafts' not good for my bank account, but good for getting slightly different presents. Yes, Ive started the C word shopping. Got to, we have lots of birthdays in October, November and December so have to be organised NOW.

Sunday morning puppy class for my little hooligan pupstar. He is still fab, still snuggly and still mummies boy.

Hope all regs on the thread are well, just thought I would lighten things up a bit for waves.

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