Hello Waves, I am sorry that I let you disappear. I know I shouldn't have done so but I could see what was going to happen and I was getting frustrated, and I have no right to do so as it's not my life. Realising this, and that my posts were going to become less and less constructive, I let you fall off my Threads I'm On.
But I had forgotten this point! And today realised I hadn't seen you around for a bit so went looking.
I am sad that you are in a quandary again. I am really fucking angry for you that your selfish shit of a husband put you and your baby's lives at risk. I really really hope that you are both "clean" and safe.
I think I said it before but I'm going to say it again - the way you talk about your feelings for him, he is like a drug to you. You know that there is a risk, that there is a good chance you'll end up feeling like shit, but you still like the "high" too much to give it up. Would it help you to sort this out in your head if you liken him to a drug? Then you could go into voluntary "rehab"/detox to get him out of your system.
Re. the thing about people being inherently good or bad. I believe that babies are, when they're born, a largely blank canvas. They have some inherited traits, but these traits will either become exaggerated by their nurture, or subdued by it. Their upbringing will determine a lot of how their personality develops, but not all of it (the whole "nature vs nurture" debate).
There is a school of thought that says our experiences prior to age 4 set our core beliefs in ourself and the world; to some extent we can set more of them up until the age of 7 but after that, all our beliefs are peripheral to our core beliefs and radiate out from them. These core beliefs set our primary behaviour and responses to the world.
You have a core belief along the lines of "I need to be nice for people to love me" (It won't be exactly that, but something like that) and it was given to you by your mother.
Your H, somewhere along the line, has picked up the core belief along the lines of "I am the most important person in the world and I can do what I like, when I like, no matter who it hurts". (My BIL has this one too)
Core beliefs can be changed but not quickly and not that easily. Often there are layers and layers of peripheral beliefs around them, and these can be seemingly changed quite easily - but changing the peripheral beliefs will not be as lasting a change, because the core belief still affects them and can slowly swing them back, iyswim.
You are probably right that your H is, deep down, a nice person. But it's buried so far under the many layers of shit that it's going to take YEARS of therapy to unearth it sufficiently for it to become a normal behaviour for him, and he'd need to lose his core belief that only he matters. Do you honestly think it's likely that he would choose to do that? And he'd have to believe he needed to do it, not just give it lipservice. And what would be the benefits to him to change? So far, he's got on just fine. He would have to suddenly have a realisation that someone mattered more to him than himself - and I honestly do not believe that is going to happen, sorry.
You still need to do what is best for you AND your children, all of them. Having an utterly selfish "I-don't-care-who-I-hurt-so-long-as-I'm-okay" person in their lives is not going to be an enriching experience for them. And could imprint on Caspian as he gets bigger, something I can guarantee you wouldn't want for him.
I am glad that you have told him you want a divorce, and that you are going to do the detox again - I really really hope that some of what I have said helps you to stick to it - and I really really hope that it gets easier for you. xxxx