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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just had fab date, but.... he clearly wanted to come back to my place...

230 replies

theendishere · 31/08/2013 01:40

that's it really! surely most guys would realise that's not an option on a first date?!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2013 20:56

herdy yes, I totally agree. The whole thing is so false and difficult to negotiate. Especially if you've out of the game for many years like me. The SOH is vital I think. I could write a book about my 6 months or so online. A book I tell ya!

However, as an aside, I've met the nicest man in the world from OLD so it does work.

OP, keep a clear head and carry on. I very much agree with what people are saying aboutnot getting too hung up on initial attraction...

Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2013 21:35

Thanks Bitof of practice - so great to hear you've met someone nice though!!
The guy from the pub still wants to go out, but really cant see there ever being any attraction there - do really enjoy his company though. How do you tell someone you'd love to be friends but you don't fancy them - without sounding unkind...

OP posts:
Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2013 22:12

right ladies - help needed!!! The guy I had the date with on Friday has messaged again today, with general chit chat. I have just text back to say we had a nie eve but couldn't see the point of staying in touch as he clearly doesn't want to meet again. I was very polite about it - said it was his choice, which was totally fine and a choice i'd had to make on many occasions. He's replied straight back saying he does want to see me again - wtf????

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/09/2013 22:25

But did he offer a date?

Just don't reply.

Doha · 05/09/2013 22:28

His move l think.
Wait and see if he suggests a date. Do not reply if he is keen he will make the move now or never

Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2013 22:29

Nope - just said he'd like to see me again if that's what I would like...

I said that wasn't the impression he'd given so wasn't sure what to think and have left it there...

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 05/09/2013 22:33

Acceptable to get your reply ..."I do want to see you again. Are you free at the weekend?"
Unacceptable and doesn't warrant your reply..... "I do want to see you again" but no mention of when

So which did he send you ?

How did he come to start texting again? Did he just pop up today out of the blue ?

HerdyHerdwick · 05/09/2013 22:34

Just read the cross posts.

Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2013 22:52

Hi Herdy - yep, the second...

OP posts:
Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2013 22:53

His actual reply was "well i'd be more than happy to meet up again if you do!?

OP posts:
Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2013 23:08

He's still not replied, but just had an email from someone on the dating site who looks and sounds v nice :) Won't get my hopes up at all yet though!!!

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 05/09/2013 23:40

Seriously, just leave this one alone, theend. This is the sort of wishy washyness I hate in men. When I look back on my successful relationships, they never messed me around at the beginning. We went on a date, we liked each other, so arranged another, and pretty soon were boyfriend and girlfriend. The only ones that didn't go anywhere were the ones who messed me around like this one is you.

If I'm ever on the dating scene again (spent many, many years on it), there is no way I would put up with all the shit I used to. I'm embarrassed to think of the time I spent angsting over ambiguous texts. And I don't care if OLD 'sweetie shop' has made things different now.

Original poster
theendishere · 05/09/2013 23:46

Thanks MsV :) You're right - it shouldn't be this difficult, esp at the beginning!!!

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 06/09/2013 00:07

lorna, I hear your point, but possibly you've never really liked/fancied anyone on dating sites, not as much as OP liked the guy. Unlike you, she said she didn't fancy ANY men from online before that she met them, yet she was hugely attracted to this one. In this case it's really hard to forget it and to switch quickly to others. Some people are extremely selective/fussy - it's not superior or inferior, it's just what they are.

Others are quite easily attracted to people - as you are - but then can quickly cool off to if these men are disappointing. But not everyone is like that. I was just saying to OP, they are not on the same page with this guy, she wants to find one guy, and he wants to try all the sweets in the shop - it's not wrong of him per se, but it's the wrong man for her!

Of course she does need to move on, as I suspect she's now annnoyed with his gameplaying - rightly so! I still claim, OP, that he DOES want an invite from you to come to your place for sex, that's the explanation why he keeps puttong ball in your court. He won't offer just a date as he's not interested in slow dating - if he wanted this, he would have done!!

dontyouwantmebaby · 06/09/2013 00:07

MsV is bang on! This one sounds like he is messing you around for sure.

so he's contacted you again, out of the blue, trying to put it on you whether another meeting happens or not rather than him firmly suggesting a date.

well I'd be more than happy to meet up again "if you do" - he doesn't need this qualifier if he was eager to see you again.

good luck OP hope you meet someone fab soon.

beaglesaresweet · 06/09/2013 00:08

when she met them, not 'that'

ALittleStranger · 06/09/2013 07:19

Agh this thread is frustrating. He's not that keen, he's just keeping an option open. I agree with the other poster who said successful relationships don't start this way.

OP you should see OD as a sweetshop. You want a meaningful relationship, chances are you'll have to date a lot of people before you find that. There is no point trying to get something to work for you when you have other options.

Boomba · 06/09/2013 07:25

I think you need to step away from the OLD for a while!

Boomba · 06/09/2013 07:26

His reply meant, yes id like to meet for sex, are you up for it

MissStrawberry · 06/09/2013 07:48

This makes me think of the day I met my husband. We met up and both hoped it would lead to something. It was at the end of the date when he properly made his feelings plain. That is how it should be. This man doesn't have the courage, manners, whatever you want to describe it as to be straight and say he wants to take you for dinner on Saturday. He is hedging his bets as pride not being hurt is more important than taking a chance.

You shouldn't even be thinking about getting your hopes up so that I why I said you sounded desperate and I would definitely give up on this one who can't be straight.

ALittleStranger · 06/09/2013 07:55

Why do you think that Boompa? I think OP just needs to get a bit more insightful, a bit clearer about what she wants and make it work for her.

Original poster
theendishere · 06/09/2013 09:00

Beagle - yes you're right, he is one of the very few guys I've been attracted to recently , and we got on so well on the date - that's why it was a bit disappointing that he's turned out to e such a waste of time.
Its no surprise that he still hasn't suggested meeting.
Had a nice chat to another guy online last night though - he said he'd like to chat again this evening...

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 06/09/2013 13:36

just be blunt and real!!!!

say, 'well proof is in the pudding mate - if you want to meet again ask me out because you're not the only guy interested and i don't like playing silly games and this is starting to feel like that'.

either he goes ooh way too forward and bolshy (in which case you're well shot) or he goes oh, straight forward woman whose not fucking about and asks you out.

all this nonsense inbetween is stoopid. who cares what he thinks? say what you want to say and get it sorted rather than deal with open ended nonsense of cagey egos dancing.

swallowedAfly · 06/09/2013 13:37

and imo open ended nonsense of cagey egos dancing = head fuck central

MissStrawberry · 06/09/2013 13:53

In the future maybe ask out a man yourself. But not this one!!