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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

just had fab date, but.... he clearly wanted to come back to my place...

230 replies

theendishere · 31/08/2013 01:40

that's it really! surely most guys would realise that's not an option on a first date?!

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 01/09/2013 07:09

I have to say it based on the first dates I've been on in the last few months (there've been a lot!), this wasn't ordinary

The only out of the ordinary thing here is that you fancied him for a change.

Over the thread you've moved from almost regretting your actions to deciding you had a lucky escape (from something you'd probably do on a 2nd date anyway?), based on a few interactions with a stranger.

You are way over thinking this. You liked him, he wants a physical relationship from the get go (show me a man that doesn't) - if you are interested text him and say so, if not let it be.

mrspaddy · 01/09/2013 07:31

I totally see your point OP, I wouldn't go home with someone after one date..unless you want to run the risk of a one night stand.

Not against whatever 'couples' do but if it is not for you, it is not for you. He was chancing his arm... I don't think he is a bad bloke.. most of them will chance it.

I wouldn't think anymore of it. You will sift through them easier if you wait for the one willing to wait too.

Jaynebxl · 01/09/2013 07:45

MaureenDaly I agree.

And if you do really like this guy but want to take things slower you could always arrange to meet him for lunch when you have another appointment after or something, so you can see how it goes with him.

Seaweedy · 01/09/2013 07:54

Jeez, MrsPaddy, surely what's at issue here is that the OP inviting a guy home on a first date isn't 'risking a one night stand' but risking sexual assault or any other potential danger involved in having a virtual stranger in your house????

mrspaddy · 01/09/2013 08:16

I totally agree.. I know the dangers.. but there are a lot of dangers in one night stands that aren't as extreme as sexual assault too.

Sorry - I don't really have much of an opinion of other people's sex life - but think what OP is getting at is surely she should build up a relationship with a man before he expects sex straight off from the word go.. no dates, no emotional commitment.

theendishere · 01/09/2013 09:23

Thanks again for all the responses.

I don't know, maybe I am writing guys off too quickly because there's no initial attraction.

The pub guy was very nice but couldn't see myself being attracted to him.

The guy I went on the date with sent a text around 2am this morning saying he was looling forward to seeing me again and wishing me luck visiting my ill mother today. I reckon he didn't want to commit to further dates because he was out on one last night! Not entirely surprising as h's only just joined the site.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 01/09/2013 09:28

The guy just wanted a shag OP, not necessarily with you but with anyone. He may or may not contact you again depending on how it's looking with other potential shags. All the talk about food and massages is just a front.

If you want a relationship, he's not the one. So if you go on a second date, you'll just spend it batting him off and arguably there are better ways to spend time, like plucking out nose hairs.

Consider giving the other guys more of a chance, ie the ones who are gentlemanly and nice but don't have the obvious looks and charm. The guy you went on the date with just sounds textbook predictable to me. ..

theendishere · 01/09/2013 09:34

He initially suggested going for dinner when we arranged the first date but as so many dates I've wanted to cut short after an hour or so, I never like dinner on a first date.
We actually bumped into the pub guy when were were out, was a bit awkward, but he (pub guy ) was very gracious about it.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 01/09/2013 09:37

Pub guy sounds like a better bet. ..

theendishere · 01/09/2013 09:41

I'm pretty sure he'd treat me well but he's also an eternal bachelor! He's 50, never been married and no kids! Not sure that matters though - fewer complications

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 01/09/2013 09:44

Oh dear. He may be looking for a mummy replacement. Anyway it's up to u but forget the player.

theendishere · 01/09/2013 10:07

A mummy replacement??

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 01/09/2013 10:11

I met my now husband through Plenty of Fish. He was the 3rd guy I dated from the site and it really was 3rd time lucky. Ironically, I initially didn't fancy him at all, I couldn't put my finger on it but I just didn't feel that spark and was actually going to end it after the 2nd date. However, my best friend told me to just give him one more chance and so I did. I have no idea what happened but something did because we were inseparable from them on and we moved in together 4 months later.

I think we slept together on the 7th time of meeting although dates 4, 5 and 6 had all ended up with us being at his house and just chilling out together. He never made me feel pressured to have sex at all and I never had to spend days analysing his texts or behaviours.

My advice is that if it is causing you this much angst after just one date I'd move on. I'm. A huge believer in instincts and if something just doesn't sit right with you then there is a probably a valid reason behind it!

Numberlock · 01/09/2013 10:21

50 never married and no kids? Weren't the alarm bells ringing before you even met???

theendishere · 01/09/2013 10:28

The 50 yo is the nice pub guy

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 10:37

hey - i'm 37 and never married - i have a child but that's because i'm a woman and i can do that without getting married/making someone want to carry my child.

let's not be too harsh. when i get to 50 will i ring alarm bells if i've still never married? it is possible to just not have met someone where the feelings and the timing and everything else was right for both at the same time. if you're also male that's likely to mean your childless unless you've gotten people pregnant along the way. which would you prefer?

also 50 never married and no children probably means he is set for life financially Grin

swallowedAfly · 01/09/2013 10:38

i'm quite stung by that comment! Grin why is it better to have married the wrong person than to never have married because you didn't meet the right one?

Helltotheno · 01/09/2013 10:48

Never married isn't an issue... not for me any road. Marriage isn't the be all and end all.

theendishere · 01/09/2013 10:53

Not sure why Numberlock said alarm bells should be ringing tbh!

I think with him it's more a case of never have met the right one,

OP posts:
theendishere · 01/09/2013 12:38

The guy I went on the date with is online (as am I!) and he's just been viewing my profile again...

OP posts:
49howdidthathappen · 01/09/2013 13:04

My partner is 49 he has never married, lived with someone for a number of years. They wanted kids, badly, went through several IVF treatments. Sadly it didn't happen for them.

Just saying.

TwoStepsBeyond · 01/09/2013 13:10

Don't write him off entirely OP, if you liked him and he liked you I can't see why you wouldn't give it another go. You didn't find him sleazy and only you know how much flirting/banter led up to his massage comments, so whatever anyone on here thinks, only you really know if he overstepped the mark.

he wants a physical relationship from the get go (show me a man that doesn't) exactly this (and the same goes for many women too!)

I met my DP online last year, we got on brilliantly, talked about all sorts, got very frisky in the bar and had such a fantastic date neither of us wanted it to end. He did come back to mine, we had a great night and have been together ever since.

I can imagine that if either of us had another date lined up for later that week we would have cancelled it, but if not, it was early days so I would have understood (but hoped that he didn't get on so well with her and came back for seconds with me!) As it happens I did have another date lined up for the week before, but I chose to cancel it and only see one man at a time, which DP found endearing as it is quite unusual in OD.

People seem to have the 'lets be exclusive' chat after several months these days, so him still being online today, going on other dates etc when you've only met once says nothing about him. It may be that he is replying to messages from other people he has been in contact with telling them that he has met someone lovely and can't meet up with them hopelessly deluded I know, but that's exactly what I was doing the week after I met DP!

Boomba · 01/09/2013 13:29

Oh my lord...read a book, go for a walk...just stop obsessing!

TheNorthWitch · 01/09/2013 15:18

I wouldn't be interested in a guy who can't get organised enough to feed himself! A quick snack in the car before meeting you is not that difficult surely? Or something from the bar? Or getting something on the way home? It wasn't your responsibility. I also think he was making excuses to get an invite back to yours which is being pushy (fair play if you made it obvious you were keen).

I know you found him attractive but that doesn't mean you are safe with him or that he is not an abuser. You are quite right to be careful - you don't know him at all.

ImperialBlether · 01/09/2013 15:24

Do you have a nice husband, Boomba?