Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

[bluewavesatsea]

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

Great post Betty :)

There will sadly always be people like Mosman about, in RL. It is better to hear those views here first. When I was pg a friend said that it was unfair as some of my single mum friends had lost partners but it wanted a father for their kids, I was being selfish because I had basically decided I didn't need that. I couldn't really see her point but it seems that a few of the single mums had got together saying it was selfish of me. I was really upset by this as they were in my circle of friends (I keep a wide-ish berth now tbh) and it felt like it had become a competition with them somehow. Whereas I looked at them and thought "what strong women" they looked at me and thought I was challenging them thinking it looked easy...at least that what I think it was all about, funnily enough none of them took it up with me directly!
No one can predict the future, but for me having DD has meant I know where I am and have some control. Leaving it to fate is not wise.

I agree Betty and you may end up searching for a man for the wrong reasons and be blurred to his true character and end up finding out later he is not who you thought he was. Much better to bring your baby into a one parent happy and stable home.

Hi O.P I'd say try for a baby if it's what you want. I'm in kind of the same situation. I'm a single mum and at 30+ I am fully aware that time is running out so I'm sleeping with a guy in the hopes of getting pregnant. He's thankfully never mentioned contraception. I know it's a million miles from ideal but we don't live in an ideal world and sadly for some of us we don't all get whisked away by a prince charming.
I also agree with dirtyface having a d.c does not mean you wont mee anyone.
good luck. xxx

OP I would just like to tell you about my lovely friend. I've known her for 13 years and for the first 11 years she was single - no relationships, no flings, nothing. I don't know why (except that she is shy). Then she met a nice man. They got married last month and are trying for a baby.

So of course now she is glad she held out for her 'ideal'!

However, maybe you think this scenario is less likely than the alternative scenario, the one in which you keep waiting until it's too late for you to have a baby. And I guess it may be too late for my friend - she's 38 now so she may struggle to get pregnant. (I hope not.) Maybe you the sorrow associated with that is too much for you to risk.

In your situation I think I'd go for it. Good luck!

I think you are still too young to need to resort to this. If you have children on your own it will be much, much harder to meet someone than if you are footloose and fancy free.

By 36 if you have still had no joy then I would say go with the IVF/donor plan, but not yet. Try to put all your energies into meeting someone for the next year or two first.

Thanks for new replies.

Tumble, everyone I know knows someone who had given up and then ... I don't know. It doesn't get any easier to meet someone when you're in your 30s, that's for sure, and in all honesty I'm just not sure I would know what to do in a relationship.

The most comparable situation I can think of is someone who had a.good job for several years then gets made redundant. I think we'd all agree they are likely to get another job in the near future.

But what about the person who has never worked? They'd struggle massively. That's sort of the situation I find myself in. I don't meet single men in a day-to-day situation so I have to resort to the internet. Most men want younger women and I find it depressing and forced.

I already told myself when I turned 30 to make a few effort, I have done so but the effort has been fruitless! Honestly, I get no online interest on the paid sites I've joined while free ones just throw up ' hey what u up 2' and 'u have a great smile'. It makes me really unhappy in fact and I am not putting myself through it, baby or no baby.

I think people see this as a desperate "last resort" measure- it does not have to be. I think it is about making a conscious decision at a time that is right about becoming a parent rather than feeling you are in the last chance saloon and have to go for it. Ok I am not sure it is something to do when you are 21 but I think right now when it is a positive decision is a good time.

If now is the right time then do it. I think it is much more sensible to do it now for the right reasons than do it when you hit 40 in a blind panic (not that that is altogether bad)

Melbie I think you have summed it up nicely there, thanks. :)

Wise words, melbie. And doing it on your own is fine - I've been on my own since I was pregnant and it really really is eminently manageable. In fact, in a lot of ways it is easier because you get to make all the decisions yourself and there are no compromises. Of course, that means that the buck stops with you, which sounds a little daunting and can be when you're thrown a curve-ball, but as long as you have good friends around you who will listen while you thrash ideas out with them then you'll manage, I'm sure. Go for it!

Re the meeting someone, I totally agree with Betty's points. Giving yourself a year to find a father for your child is not a sensible plan.

It would be totally different if while you're going down the route of IUI you meet someone wonderful. Afterall, life happens while we're making other plans. But those other plans you must make, and I think you have exactly the right idea, by taking charge of your own destiny.