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Original poster

Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

211 replies

bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 19:31

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Laura0806 · 19/08/2013 00:06

Sorry I haven;t read all the other posts but I know someone who had a child alone as she hadn't met anyone and she did receive quite a lot of negativity from people which I felt was completely unfair. She was quite a bit older than you at 42 but I fully understood and supported her decision (nt that it was my business anyway). However, she has found it terribly hard and due to finances ( she has a reasonable job probably earning 36K ish , same as me) but she had to move to live near her mum for help. She didn't go on to have another child as it was too hard but adores her little girl and wouldn't change it for the world. My advice to you would be wait, you are so young and you don't know whats round the corner. I know that is so hard to hear when you want something desperately now and I would probably give different advice if you were 40+ but at 33 you have a lot of time ahead. It may be worth having an ovarian reserve test done if you are very keen to have children to reassure yourself that everything is normal good luck xx

Mosman · 19/08/2013 00:08

You're very young still if you were 40 I'd say go for it depending on where this sperm is coming from, but I think you have to think of the child. The right thing is two involved parents, that is what you ought to hold out for.

patienceisvirtuous · 19/08/2013 06:05

Don't wait until forty. You go right up to the wire then and it doesn't leave you much time if things aren't straightforward. It also limits your opportunities to have more than one, if you so wish.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 07:25

Forty would be too risky to be honest. I have a friend who tried at 37 an couldn't get pregnant which has made me wary I suppose. Also, honestly and selfishly, I don't think I could wait six and a half years.

I am 33 now but will be 34 by the time I have a child so while it isn't old of course, it isn't young either for a first baby and could well be 35 if ttc takes a while. Ideally you see I would want two children and again ideally a space of three years so baby no2 would come along at 37ish.

I'm relatively happy alone. I'd like a partner but I think what I miss is feeling loved. It can be hard to know you don't really matter to anyone! Really though I just want a family. :)

OP posts:
Mosman · 19/08/2013 07:28

Who is going to father these children, have i missed a vital point ?

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 07:32

Yes, you seem to have missed it Mosman. I had/will have fertility treatment using donated sperm.

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 19/08/2013 07:47

blue none of the decisions you make on your own in your normal life can prepare you for some of the decisions you have to make as a parent. Sorry if my point wasn't clear. I've bought houses, moved countries etc as a single person and it is definitely not the same. As a parent you are deciding about another person's life and future. In my case I had to decide on medical care. Absolutely horrible doing that completely on your own. Hopefully you won't have that to face but even the easier decisions like childcare and education can be scary to do on your own. Friends say it must be nice not having to consider someone else's point of view but sometimes it would be nice to have that support. I have plenty of friends and family who are great but ultimately the decisions are mine and mine alone and there are times that that is a very lonely place to be.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 07:50

But then what as an alternative bisjo - not have them.at all?

In my heart of hearts I think I know I'm not going to meet anyone, but other people's propaganda can be powerful.

OP posts:
Mosman · 19/08/2013 07:52

Ok.
So my story of IVF.
DH - now stands for dickhead not darling husband for these purposes the latter will do - and I had no fertitlity issues whatsoever, he'd had a vasectomy and then we wanted another child. So we'd both got a provern track record, fit as fiddles and nothing in theory would stop us having a baby. I was incrediably luck and got pregnant with twins after the first round of IVF. To get to that stage they took 38 eggs. 19 of them fertisilised, 6 of them went to day five without dying and two were deemed first for purpose. Two became babies and only one made it into my arms.
The odds are not amazing even with IVF, all that little lot cost about 6000 pounds and the stress and at times it hurts physically.
Throughout the pregnancy I bled, a lot kept thinking I would lose the 2nd baby.
Honestly if there's another, simplier way I would give yourself a chance to achieve that first.
I've also been a single mum, in labour on my own, watching everyone else get visitors on the ward whilst you don't, seeing the other dads look at their babies with beaming faces knowing your kids dad couldn't care less. Not great.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 08:09

That sounds really difficult mosman and I am sorry you went through that.

I do think there is a difference in knowing what you are getting into an being left during a pregnancy - that must be really hard.

I'm having IUI rather than IVF but yes it is difficult to experience and deal with alone.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 19/08/2013 08:14

I wouldn't wait until 40.

Blue did you try online dating?

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 08:15

Yes, I didn't have any much luck!

OP posts:
CynthiaRose · 19/08/2013 08:15

IUI is much less invasive, as you know, and cheaper. I used to pop out in my lunch hour and have it done.

ImagineJL · 19/08/2013 08:31

I have no regrets at all. I started the journey at age 35, and needed many goes at IUI and IVF before I got lucky. By the time I had DS1 I was nearly 38, and 41 when I had DS2. So I'm glad I didn't leave it any longer.

My story is slightly different in that's had met, so I thought, Mr Right - but after a couple of years together he announced he didn't want kids. I knew I wasn't in the right mind-set to meet someone new as I was devastated at his revelation, and also knew I didn't have time to recover and start the dating game again. But I knew with absolute conviction that I wanted children. Despite having a good career and lots of friends, my life would have been empty and incomplete without kids.

As I say, it turns out my fertility was already reduced at age 35, so if I'd left it to chance and finding a man, it's highly likely I'd have remained childless.

Fertility treatment has cost me a fortune, but being a single parent has been completely manageable for me, and my boys are my world. The response I've had from other people has always been very positive, and people are very kind and helpful if I need anything.

I think you need to go into it with eyes open, aware that it may not work first time, or even at all, and that it will cost a lot. And that having kids on your own is hard work. But as long as you are aware of these things, it's well worth it in my opinion.

MissWimpyDimple · 19/08/2013 08:32

Absolutely go for it if its what you want. Yes being alone with a newborn is hard, but so is being in a bad relationship with a newborn.

I have been alone from pregnancy (although the dad now does have good contact) and honestly, speaking with all the other new mums, I think it was easier for me. I had no expectations of someone else doing the night feed etc. Yes, a great hands on partner is fab. How many actually have that? The reality often is that you are effectively caring for two children. (Obviously not always but it is often that way)

Plus- as a single parent with a newborn I was a novelty. It was sad seeing the "perfect families" at the weekend etc. Now, at age 6 my child is one of about 40% of her peers who are part of single families. I have met a great support network of amazing mum friends and have never had a problem meeting men.

I don't think you could ever having your child, but you might well regret not having them.

Imagine you fell pregnant after a one night stand? Would it be different?

Mosman · 19/08/2013 08:35

No no I wasn't left during a pregnancy at all, I knew what I was doing .... I was a twat looking back and then attracted another test all because I didn't have the confidence in myself to believe that the happy ending could have been mine and more importantly my children's.

VenusStarr · 19/08/2013 08:38

Hi Blue. I'm watching this with interest (hope you don't mind!) I can completely understand your situation, I'm turning 30 this year and been single for 3 years. My cut off is 35, if I'm still in the same position, I'm doing it alone.

I've told a few people about the plan, my sister is convinced I'll meet someone - not sure how she is so certain, it's not happened in the last 3 years and now I'm approaching the wrong side of 30, it's even less likely!

I'm not choosing it lightly or because I feel lonely, because I don't. I want to be a mum. I can't imagine not having children, so i understand how you feel. Good luck :)

rubyrubyruby · 19/08/2013 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 19/08/2013 08:44

I don't mind at all Venus.

Ruby it's.young but quit old to meet someone and have a family and very old for a first boyfriend. The other issue is I should be eligible.for a promotion at work in 3 years but I couldn't and wouldn't want to.do that.with a small baby.

OP posts:
Xenadog · 19/08/2013 08:45

beaglesaresweet I have dated all of my adult life - had a few serious long term relationships and quite a few disasters on the way. I met men through friends, internet dating and at one point even work. I was never into meeting men in bars but also not into marrying, having kids and settling down so luckily never felt the pressure/desire to have children.

I have a friend who, like the OP, was single (with a string of useless boyfriends) and wanted children. She gave herself until she was 35 and then, if still single, was going to have a child by herself. She then met her DH a few months before her 35th (internet dating) and now they are married and have 3 children 5 years later. I have no doubt she would have had IVF by herself and made a success of it but she is incredibly happy with the way things have turned out.

I think providing the mum has a support network and is financially stable then having a child by yourself is certainly manageable and will bring many rewards - you don't need a partner. It's such a personal choice and if the worry/fear of never having one's own child is immense then why not go it alone when you are younger and fertility levels are better?

xxx

Pinkpinot · 19/08/2013 09:05

I would definitely not wait for a good man to come along
I met dh at 35 and settled, subconsciously figured he was the best I was going to get, huge mistake.
Wish I'd done it alone
I'm not saying mr right won't come along, but it is very difficult and a lot of pressure

Helltotheno · 19/08/2013 09:31

seeing the other dads look at their babies with beaming faces knowing your kids dad couldn't care less. Not great

To be fair Mosman, the OP's situation is not yours and with all the thought she's put into it, I doubt feelings like the above would be foremost in her mind when she first laid eyes on her LO :)

Also, I really totally disagree with anyone saying 'hold out for the right man' etc. That works out really badly for lots and lots of people. OP the key thing is to know yourself really well as a person. If you haven't had loads of success on the dating front up to now, let's be realistic, there isn't a cast-iron guarantee that that'll turn round overnight and Mr Right will suddenly be at your side making warm fluffy noises about kids! You have on your side that you're independent and well able to make decisions on your own. I know now looking back, that I'd be equally able to have children on my own ...

Children open lots of doors. You can do loads of things with them, build up a totally new social life, develop new supports in your life that aren't family... I know loads of single mothers and adopters who've done this. Yes of course there will be times when you're lonely, but if you look at the Relationships boards, you'll see lots of attached people are lonely... that's just what we have to face sometimes as humans!

I say go for it and good luck to you. It'll work out :)

maleview70 · 19/08/2013 09:37

Have you considered one of those arrangements with a man who also wants a child but doesn't want a relationship?

There was a Dail Mail article on this yesterday I think.

There are websites where you can find someone with a similar need as yours.

With this arrangement, your baby gets two loving parents and you get financial support too. You would also have someone to reach to when things come along in a child's life that are difficult to deal with. Illness etc....

It is still done by IVF etc..

CoteDAzur · 19/08/2013 09:37

I had my babies at 35 and 38, falling pregnant in a month each time. You have lots of time.

Consider going it alone if you still haven't met someone when you are 36 or so.

Unless you have family living nearby, who would be happy to help raise your baby, I would recommend avoiding having a baby on your own if at all possible.

Helltotheno · 19/08/2013 09:42

I had my babies at 35 and 38

That's you though.