Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wait to meet someone or go for it alone?

211 replies

bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 19:31

I would really welcome some advice. I am a member of another pregnancy/parenting forum but I do read on here sometimes and want to get a perspective from people who don't know me.

I'm not sure where to start except that I am probably seen as successful; I have done really well in my career, I own my own property, I have a rich and varied social life. Not many people know I am actually very lonely. I have wanted to just have a family of my own for years but I've never met a man. When I turned 30 I promised myself if I was in the same position in three years I would try alone. Three years passed and I'm still in that very same position. I just don't meet single men - anyway I am now about to start trying for a baby and suddenly have last minute doubts and fears as to whether I'll be able to cope and if I'm throwing a chance of happiness with someone away.

What would you do?

OP posts:
CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 20:49

I used to hate everyone saying I would meet someone, like it suddenly just happens because you reach a certain age. Drove me crackers. Got to be honest, at the moment it doesn't even cross my mind, but I expect I will try and meet someone when they are a bit older.

Yes, I have one of each. I am ridiculously lucky.

I had IUI, rather than IVF.

Would your parents be supportive?

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 20:51

I know mink - it does scare me that effectively I will get no break at all. Having said that, if I go on as I am I will be 50 with no family at all which breaks my heart.

I will get a break of sorts at work - ha!

OP posts:
Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 20:52

I only have my dad. He is supportive to a point - he love me in his own way but in all honesty he has never really been interested in me as a person!

OP posts:
CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 20:54

I only have my dad too, but I'm lucky that he's amazing.

Have you thought about what happens if you have multiples? What treatment are you having?

I had to change all my plans when I found out I was having two...

dirtyface · 18/08/2013 20:55

but even if you never meet someone (v v unlikely!) at least you will still have had a DC

so the time constraint wont be an issue

your post struck a chord with me. because i (sort of) did a similar thing, had my first dc in a bad relationship knowing it wouldnt last but wanting a baby. not saying thats a great thing to do...split up with babys dad just after he was born. and 7 years on got a 7 yo DS and am happily married to a lovely man who loves ds and we have a 4 year old together too. and DS sees his dad regularly and we all get on. his dads got a family with someone else too so everyones happy :o

minkembernard · 18/08/2013 20:55

I have twins too btw. has its pros and cons. i would say it might even be slightly easier being an lp with two because they keep each other entertained....
But would you still be able to afford childcare with two? I did...just...and yes work was a Rest Grin

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 20:58

By the skin of ny teeth, and with careful budgeting I could afford two lot of childcare, admittedly with probably quite a few baked beans on toast dinners in that time! Grin

I have a small house but luckily there are three bedrooms. Hopefully I could buy a more spacious one when the kid(s) are about eleven.

OP posts:
PollyIndia · 18/08/2013 20:59

I actually don't think I would have met someone before. I had too many barriers up, far too independent, never had a night to myself and would never give anyone a chance. Having a baby has made me softer and much less selfish. And actually (ironically) I think I am much more likely to meet someone now than I would have been when I was free and single. My head is just much more in the right place. I actually have a date this week, through a new mum friend, her best mate. She would never have set me up with him 2 years ago - I wouldn't have known her for a start! Who knows what will happen there, but you may find you a not making an either/or choice. You could get the baby then the man afterwards! And if not, well, you still have the baby.

Cynthiarose, good for you. Love that story :)

CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 20:59

Yeah, Mink, I agree, it's definitely not this huge scary thing that is twice as hard as having one kid. Mine are great.

Child care is the problem indeed.

CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 21:00

Thanks Polly. And I agree re possibly being more likely to meet someone now, definitely softer round the edges!

PollyIndia · 18/08/2013 21:01

Minkembernard that is interesting! And agree re work being a rest. For me it saved my sanity I think - meant my life was still varied and I could do some things for me as I had childcare. I think I would find it infinitely harder if it was me and the baby 24/7.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 21:02

One of my friends was a single mum, met a single dad and now they are going to have a baby together. They are both such lovely people - perhaps the same will happen for me. Hope so!

Trouble is ny friends (and I for that matter) are.long past the bars and clubbing stage, I don't get to meet single men at work, so that pretty much leaves the internet which I haven't got anywhere with.

OP posts:
CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 21:03

Yup, Blue, same here, all my friends were married with kids, so we never had nights on the town. I feel your pain!

When you say you're about to start trying, where are you in the process?

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 21:08

Well I had a (failed) cycle ofIUI last month - preparing for a second try but keep getting cold feet!

OP posts:
DontCallMeDaughter · 18/08/2013 21:09

I would do it bluewaves! Sounds like you've considered the practical issues and you can cope with them... And you only have one life, if being a mum is something that you really want then don't miss out on the chance....

Friend of mine is 5 months pregnant and finally admitted last week that it wasn't a random one night stand but a trip to a clinic that resulted in her LO. She hasn't told anyone before because she was worried about being judged Hmm but I think it's wonderful.

PollyIndia · 18/08/2013 21:10

Good luck blue waves. I hope it works for you next time!

CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 21:11

Are you doing medicated? I did two non-medicated and two medicated.

What are the main worries you are having? What's your gut feeling? It's natural to have some wobbles, it's a massive thing to do.

CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 21:13

Yay for your friend, Dontcall! I've been pleasantly surprised how great everyone has been about it. Might be good to try and reassure her as she needs to get her head around it and be positive about it before having to explain it to the child.

minkembernard · 18/08/2013 21:14

Good luck.
And if you can cultivate the friendships you have. babysit while you can so you may be able to call in favours later.

And do not be afraid to ask for help. sometimes just someone doing a load of washing for you makes all the difference.

And things like mum n baby yoga, pram er cise, getting a bike trailer etc. anything so you can keep getting some stress busting exercise get out and about etc.

i think you will be glad you did if you do.

minkembernard · 18/08/2013 21:16

Oh yes and top tip for the dentist when /if you get to that eventuality....bubble wrap. they sit in the buggy and pop it while the dentist checks your teeth.

difficultpickle · 18/08/2013 21:21

It is hard doing it on your own even if you are free of an ex partner. Ds's father vascillated during my pregnancy and decided he didn't want to know when ds was born prem and not expected to live. He's had no contact since so I don't have any on-going input or problems from him to deal with.

The hardest thing isn't the care or the childcare, although both of those are hard. The hardest thing is being the one to make all the decisions and having no one else to share that responsibility. That can be a very lonely place indeed. If you think you can cope with that then good luck with making it happen.

Original poster
bluewavesatsea · 18/08/2013 21:27

I'm fairly sure I want to do it. I had no doubts and was so upset when it didn't work and then my dad made me doubt myself all over again.

Also a couple of wedding pics on Facebook have made me a bit sad!

I know it's hard with regard to decisions but (in the nicest possible way ) I do think some people in couples just forget that's life when you're single. I have to decide and do pretty much everything alone - house buying and selling, new jobs, finances - it all just rests on you.

OP posts:
CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 21:29

That must have been terribly hard for you, Bisjo. How old is your son now?

I do think it is really quite different knowingly going into it on your own. I actually look around at a lot of my friends, even those that have good relationships, and I am pleased that I can make all the decisions about what to do. Admittedly it is early days yet! I think it probably depends what kind of person you are and what relationships you are used to. I've pretty much always been single, so quite used to taking the lead on everything.

CynthiaRose · 18/08/2013 21:33

It sounds like normal wobbles to me, I don't think I would let that put me off. But if you're not sure you could miss a month or two, it's not like age wise you need to do it really quickly.

MumnGran · 18/08/2013 21:39

If the right man does come along ...he will love you with or without baby.
He wouldn't be the right man, otherwise, would he?!

You have thought this through, planned for it, and made your decision. Last minute wobble is not a surprise, but do remember that people in committed happy relationships, who decide to have a baby, are also prone to having the odd wobblies about it!!
Its a big deal.

Good luck.

Swipe left for the next trending thread